Not My Fault

Friday, July 31, 2015

Break-ups suck. Divorce sucks more. It's often compared to a death ... in that both parties, regardless of who asks for the divorce, grieve the relationship much like you'd grieve a death. And most of that is due to the dying of lost dreams, building a future together, etc. I'd agree. This sh*t sucks. Not only am I losing my love, but I'm losing everything we had planned together, the dreams of raising our girls in an awesome family home environment, and even my super awesome extended family.

If life was so great - why is it ending? I ask myself this daily. I can sit here and say, "It's not my fault!!" all day long, but I know part of it is. During my pregnancy and the postpartum period, I changed. I didn't have a tough pregnancy but was put on bedrest for 7 weeks. Then after I delivered I think I had a bout of undiagnosed postpartum depression that pretty much left me unmotivated to do anything. I cried a lot, I felt hopeless, I was lonely. And as much as it impacted me - it apparently impacted my partner too. That was something I was unaware of. I thought I was battling this thing on my own. I didn't realize that it was shutting her out, it was changing our dynamic. 

Now, she takes responsibility for not bringing things up sooner. For failing to tell me how she felt because she thought it would all blow over. But then it got to a point where resentment built up and then eventually anger. And, before I knew it we were barely speaking to each other. I didn't even notice things were bad until last month. (Hello, Clueless!) By that time, it was too late. She said she wanted to work on things and save our marriage, and even considered couples counseling. But it was too late for her. Her feelings had changed and she admitted she fell out of love with me.

Now, enter her new-found co-worker friend. Constant text messaging and calls all hours of the day. My soon-to-be ex was so emerged into this new "friendship" that I basically lost my shit constantly because I was insecure of the relationship and didn't understand how she can lean on this person I barely knew yet want nothing to do with me. I was told I was crazy. That this person was just a friend.

And, then one day I came home from work early and found a strange car in my driveway. As I entered the door, I found my wife and her "friend" fooling around on the couch. Then, two days later I went through her phone and found a text message saying, "You know I love you" followed by similar sentiments from the co-worker. So they loved each other?!

As you can imagine, I'm hurt and heartbroken and confused and angry. What the f*ck has just happened? How did my wife fall for someone else? Why does she want out of our relationship? Why couldn't she support and stay by me when I was at my worst? A ton of crazy questions float in and out of my mind all day long. And let's not even get to the topic of every time I come home now, I "see" that car in my driveway. And every time I look at our couch, I "see" them on it. And it breaks me. 

I've spent many a times huddled on the floor of my shower with scalding hot water spraying on me as big heavy, ugly tears stream down my face. I've contemplated not living (but I have kids and would never do that - just trying to be real here). I've had a rage surge through me that I didn't know existed. I've felt hopeless. And, I've incidentally have had moments of relief and calm overtake me. I'm all over the place. That's how I know why they compare divorce to a death. You think you can bargain to save the relationship, and will find yourself on your knees once day begging to be loved in return. You find yourself spewing such hateful words that you're ashamed of yourself the next day. You find yourself swirling the bottom of the drain with such feelings of hopelessness that you don't know which way is up. 

And everyone tells you that time heals. That life will get better. That you need to hang in there and keep trucking along because you have kids and a full life ahead of you ... and this isn't the end of all that. It just changes things. So, you desperately try to hang onto that hope in those moments of despair and hope the terrible feelings fade soon. 

A Library of Self-Help

Thursday, July 30, 2015

I've found myself semi-desperate for answers to what is happening right now. I think on some level ... some really super smart, college-educated level ... I'm completely aware of my situation. But I still feel a strong need to understand what my ex-spouse (we'll call her L, so we can call her Ex-L) is thinking and feeling because I'm basically super confused. So even though there are really concrete things coming out of her mouth - I still need answers. And, I'm not hearing what I want to hear. (Hello, Denial!)

Anyways, I've found that I've been basically eating up self-help books. Literally, putting them away in about 2 days time. So, if you're like me and looking for something to at least take your mind off the shit-show your life is going through right now, check out some of these books:

You Are a Badass - Jen Sincero
     Sincero is a self-help, motivational speaker that aims at getting you to see what a freaking spectacular piece of the human race that you are. A lot of what she refers to is the Law of Attraction ... basically, if you think about good, good will come to you. But it's also about realizing your potential and quit wallowing your your own cesspool and getting out there to take charge of your life. This is a book that I plan to re-read very soon. 

Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? - Mindy Kaling
      I'm a huge Mindy Kaling fan. I was literally 1 of 200 people that watched the Mindy Project - which is now a Hulu original series! It's not really divorce-advice material but it's an easy read, with a quick laugh told in that Mindy-style of speak. If you're looking for a good "girl book" or beach read (ala Eat, Pray, Love) style ... grab this book today!

Eat, Pray, Love - Elizabeth Gilbert
     Speaking of Eat, Pray, Love ... this is seriously one of the best books. The movie is even better. And Elizabeth Gilbert is so quotable, she'll quickly become your divorce guru. No joke. EPL is a snapshot into Gilbert's past and how she dealt with her own divorce, aftermath and re-emergence. It's totally about a woman taking life by the balls and showing it who's boss. She discovers not only new lands and experiences, but runs into many awesome people. Eventually, she finds love again ... and we all can use a glimmer of hope that we can too. 

Crazy Time - Abigail Trafford
      Ok, so this book is based in the 90s but the material is *so* relatable. It has been my God-send in terms of me looking for answers to my own marriage's demise. It helps you understand the mindset of the Divorce Seeker and the Divorce Opposer and then how people navigate through these situations. It's relatable content and I've time and time again found myself going "Aha!" and folding over page corners. 

The Total Money Makeover - Dave Ramsey
     Let's be real ... I didn't do the finances in my relationship, even though I was the primary breadwinner for quite a while. I'm not good with money. But now, I'm going to have to be ... especially if I eventually want to buy a home in a kickass school district so that my kids can have a super awesome education. It's time I grow up and become financially smart. It's not just me anymore so there's no excuse. With Dave's book, you learn how to efficiently and quickly manage your debt ... and also plan for your future. Plus he has a bunch of neat online resources to help get your act together. 

So, that's what's holding my life together for the moment. Or at least my sanity. What reads have helped you during this process?

So, here I am ...

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

So here I am - my first blog post in my first new blog. I'm writing anonomously because I'm cool like that. Kinda like that little aura of mystery that is complimenting my not-so-mysterious real life. Who am I? And, how the hell did I get here?

Well, for now you can call me Ms. Moscato. I'm based in the midwest and I'm in my early 30s. I have two very young twin kiddos. They're pretty amazing, if I do say so myself. I'm on the verge of the big D (aka Divorce) - and I'm not the one asking for it. I'm what you would refer to as the Divorce Opposer. Well, that's what all of my self-help material, that I've been eating up like it's going out of style, has told me. I'm currently balancing 4 out of the 5 stages of grief at any given moment of the day. So, I'm a little nuts right now. 

And - I created this blog as an outlet to share my experience over the next few months, year, etc. of my adventures through the divorce process. I'm sure it'll get ugly. I'm hoping that there are far more cooler moments, honestly. And, I'm just hoping that some lonely soul out there that may be going through the same thing can find hope ... or at least can laugh at the insaneness of my life.