I wish there was a set time period of getting over someone or moving through a divorce. There are many, many days when I can't honestly see the other side of this tunnel I'm trapped in. I know others have made it out - have built new lives, met new loves, have smiled again. I want to fast-forward through all of the pain and get to that point. This crap I'm in is a total rollercoaster. And, no matter how much I try to tell myself I'm tired of being sorry for myself, for being the victim, for loving someone incapable of loving me - my heart tugs me right back into that sad, dark, corner of my mind. I know then that I'm no way near through anything ... I have a long journey still ahead.

Many times during the day I feel like I could just burst into tears. My energy is completely zapped. I want to lay in bed, cry and feel sorry for myself. Hey - it's just what I want to do.

Days flitter across my face and for a moment I can barely forget what has happened. I still feel a surge of love for her hit my heart. But just as soon as I feel that, something else will dash across my mind ... it could be a visual of what I walked in on ... it could be a flash of the text message I found, "You know I love you," it could be her cold eyes glaring at me in our most heated arguments - the love of my life telling me to leave her the f*ck alone and only speak to her about the divorce or the children. That she's tired of re-hashing what's happened 80 times a day. The audacity. And my fragile heart shatters all over again.

Her favorite sayings as of late are, "You have everything all figured out, don't you?" or "You've just pieced it all together, haven't you?" The truth is I still feel like I know nothing and am forced to make sense of a terrible situation because I've been given no explanation. I'm told I've been given an explanation that I choose not to accept. That I have had a part in the demise of our marriage too. That I haven't handled the end of our marriage with class or respect. You read that correct - I was lied to and cheated on but I was expected to suck it up and exit with "class and respect." That makes me want to vomit.

"You do realize this all happened over two months ago, right?" That was the newest one. Like I was supposed to be over 8 years of my life with someone in two months. That was enough time to bottle it up and move on - peacefully. Even though I was the one blindsided by this and she had a year [apparently] to figure out her feelings - all while in the comfort of a marriage. I have to battle through my feelings with zero sense of security from the person I loved.

Am I still in love? Am I merely obsessed and frantic? Am I desperate to be loved and mixing that up with feelings of real love? Does your love end when theirs does? When you have experienced deep pain? What happens to that love? I think it transform to anger. And if we can't forgive [I'm not there yet, either] we live with that anger in our hearts - it'll hold us back from ever trusting another person again.

One of her relatives reached out to me on Facebook. She sent a message of hope for me - that she's sad that we're all going through this. That she's prayed for us. That when her husband left her and her two daughters, that her girls became her life - and that she learned to believe that God had a bigger, better plan for her. It was a long time coming but she made it through and has since re-married and lives a very happy life. Her daughters are now grown. She feels that there's a better plan out there for me too - regardless if I believe in God or not. She believes that He has something else in store for me. That warms my heart, to know that her faith brings a message of hope to her for me. That she has been through this dark part of her own life and has made it to other side. That her daughters have found strength in her. And, that she has found love again.

Who's Crazy?

I'm still wrapped up in the "craziness" of the break-up. Sometimes I'm super calm and other times I'm completely off my rocker. Like rifling through the garbage looking for "clues" that Ex-L was with the woman she cheated on me with. Who does that? You ever sit back and go "This isn't me?" I'm like that all of the time lately. I feel like the life has been sucked out of me - that who "me" is isn't here. I'm not really sure where she went or if I can ever get my true self back. Maybe I'll just have a new self.

Everyone tells me none of it matters. If Ex-L is still seeing that other woman or telling her she loves her or whatever - it doesn't matter. She and I are over. So what's the point of continuing to just hurt myself over and over by little discoveries? But I think toxic relationships like this one are like a drug - and the pain is addicting. The problem is that I am still working through all of the pain and every time I inflict new pain on my heart, it's like getting a fix. It's weird - I know. It all hurts like crazy but I feel like I'm still waiting for that "A-ha!" moment where I'm like "f*ck her! I'm over it!" and start super focusing on my new life. I'm not there, yet.

Last night before my counseling appointment I went to eat by myself. I have no problems doing things by myself or eating by myself. I think all of those times traveling for work and trying to navigate new states, cities, etc by myself have gotten me used to sitting in a Sizzler sans a dinner date. (sidebar: I only went to Sizzler once - it's a bucket list check off!) But as I left Corner Bakery and headed to my counseling appointment, it was starting to get dark outside and I drive by houses that had their lights on. It hit me then. It hit me that soon, I'll be returning to a home where no one else lives (when I don't have the girls). I won't have Ex-L to return home to. We won't be building a home together any more (not like we are currently, but you know ...). I pictured myself sitting on my couch at night with the lights on in an apartment. It made me super sad. We were supposed to be trying for another baby this winter and looking to buy a house next year. Now I'll be by myself in a rented apartment, seemingly starting from scratch.

Instead of being a happy family unit, I'll be making memories and traditions with my girls alone. Then, they'll go to their other mom and participate in her traditions and build memories with her separate from me. I think this was the first time that it all just sunk in for me. That there's a definite ending to all of this and the limbo that I begged to be over, will in fact be over soon. I will be forced to live alone. I will be sharing my children with another person. I will have to start dating some day (not like any day soon and I can surely never date again ... but ya know). And it's all new and it's all terrifying - to let go of the life you thought you were building and the future you envisioned for yourself. You have to start to let that go and realize that it's not going to happen quite like that anymore.

I'm hoping the crazy moments start to subside a bit. I hate that there's no hard-deadline for the feelings to fade or to start feeling better. To start feeling a bit more hopeful for my future. I'm exhausted just thinking about all of the work I need to do internally. Blah!

You Know I Love You

"You know I love you" ... that term holds such strong meaning for me. It's the statement I found on Ex-L's phone in a text message exchange between her and the woman she cheated on me with. It's the term that resounds in my head over and over whenever I think about what she did. It's a term that snaps me back into remembering how I deserve better.

Sometimes I laugh. I laugh because she was supposed to love me. She vowed to love me. She told me many times over how much she loved me - how happy I made her, how I was the love of her life. At our wedding, she told me (in her vows) how she has never loved anyone as much as she has loved me. And then I found myself staring at a screen where she was telling some crinkly-haired woman whom I've never heard of that she loved her ... that she "knew" she loved her ... meaning it wasn't the first time those words were uttered. I feel sorry for that girl. I was that girl.

"You know I love you" gives the power back. It tells me she's a joke. She doesn't know what love is. She's incapable of love. She spits those words out so freely ... and instead of fostering the love of her wife and family, she gives that love freely away to anyone that gives her attention or feeds her ego. That isn't love. That's selfishness.

Today, she was prepping before work and the girls were a little in her way in the kitchen. She tried to give a light and airy voice to them - to encourage them back to me and away from the kitchen. At one point though, her frustration surfaced as she carried a girl back out. All I could think of was how lucky I am to not have to live with that constant frustration and tension in my life. I don't have to worry about what will upset her or what will set her off. I am not on a constant mission to please her - to feel bad about myself when I "fail". That can be someone else's issue.

You Oughta Know

Did you know that Alanis Morrissette's song "You Oughta Know" is about her ex Dave Coulier? Like, straight from Full House, Uncle Joey - Dave Coulier? He straight broke her heart and then she lit him up lyrically.

It's such a raw song, though and full of that angry rage that you get when going through a break up. Empty promises, and the realization that the person that broke your heart is now with someone new. "I'm here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away ..." Seriously - she's like you can't just walk away from this because it meant something to me and you made a mess of it all. PREACH GURLFRAND. Not gonna lie - this is like my break up anthem right now. AHHHH!

When you're in that dark place and looking for some "oomph" to get that girl-angst going, I have some inspirational resources. Hope they work for you, because sometimes you need a healthy way to get that angery out (read: singing an angry song at the top of your lungs or repeating an awesome empowering mantra to get your head right). Do you!

Article: Fool Me Once - Hot damn this article will get your blood boiling and put you in the "I DESERVE BETTER DAMNIT" camp immediately! It's basically - "you're an asshole and a terrible person and I deserve better." It'll get you feeling that you deserve better - even when you're not sure what that looks like.

Blog: Lessons from the End of a Marriage - Tons of articles that may or may not pertain to you and what you're going through. Isn't it nice to know that someone understands that hot mess of a rollercoaster you're riding right now AND has advice about some of it. Eat this sh*t up, people! I like this article ... it has some great advice on moving forward.

Song: Hold On - Because after you're done screaming at the top of your lungs with Alanis, you need an empowering 'moving on' song. Something that motivates you to be the best you, you can be! Wilson Phillips has this power, ya'll. Use their mystic powers to your advantage!


Blog: Ms. Single Mama - She's since re-married and bounced back from her divorce, but she has an archive of awesome and empowering videos for the single moms out there going through divorce. From dating advice, to even just emotional stuff and getting on with your life - plus, she's on the other side! You can read about her journey from start to finish and know that it can get better for you too! You can also find love again!

Writing: Enough - One of the first (and best) pieces of writing about divorce that captured how I truly felt. Finding Ex-L with another woman took a huge blow to my self-esteem. I felt like a loser. I felt I wasn't good enough. And this women went through something very similar. But it's not about the person your spouse cheated on you with. It's not that they are better or prettier or smarter. “Whatever issues that other person has, they have no bearing on your own validity. You eventually just realize it’s not all about you.” You shouldn't have to question or self-worth, because 99% of the time it isn't even about you or what you're lacking. What caused them to cheat, is not your fault. And what caused them to pick that person isn't because that person is perfect in ways you are not. It has to do with their own internal struggle - their own issues. 

Instagram - Carrie Grace Shop - Carrie Grace is an encourager. I have been a follower of her IG feed for a while but recently began just absolutely devouring it. Carrie likes to motivate people and tell everyone how great they are - even when (especially when) they're going through a difficult time. She was my saving grace that first week after I found Ex-L with someone else. She reminds you to keep going, to spread happiness and joy whereever you go, that you have value and worth. She also sends out weekly emails on Wednesday to share a snippet of her life and provide some mid-week encouragement. She's awesome and happy. Awesome and happy people are what you need in your life - even virtually. 

Not My Fault

Break-ups suck. Divorce sucks more. It's often compared to a death ... in that both parties, regardless of who asks for the divorce, grieve the relationship much like you'd grieve a death. And most of that is due to the dying of lost dreams, building a future together, etc. I'd agree. This sh*t sucks. Not only am I losing my love, but I'm losing everything we had planned together, the dreams of raising our girls in an awesome family home environment, and even my super awesome extended family.

If life was so great - why is it ending? I ask myself this daily. I can sit here and say, "It's not my fault!!" all day long, but I know part of it is. During my pregnancy and the postpartum period, I changed. I didn't have a tough pregnancy but was put on bedrest for 7 weeks. Then after I delivered I think I had a bout of undiagnosed postpartum depression that pretty much left me unmotivated to do anything. I cried a lot, I felt hopeless, I was lonely. And as much as it impacted me - it apparently impacted my partner too. That was something I was unaware of. I thought I was battling this thing on my own. I didn't realize that it was shutting her out, it was changing our dynamic. 

Now, she takes responsibility for not bringing things up sooner. For failing to tell me how she felt because she thought it would all blow over. But then it got to a point where resentment built up and then eventually anger. And, before I knew it we were barely speaking to each other. I didn't even notice things were bad until last month. (Hello, Clueless!) By that time, it was too late. She said she wanted to work on things and save our marriage, and even considered couples counseling. But it was too late for her. Her feelings had changed and she admitted she fell out of love with me.

Now, enter her new-found co-worker friend. Constant text messaging and calls all hours of the day. My soon-to-be ex was so emerged into this new "friendship" that I basically lost my shit constantly because I was insecure of the relationship and didn't understand how she can lean on this person I barely knew yet want nothing to do with me. I was told I was crazy. That this person was just a friend.

And, then one day I came home from work early and found a strange car in my driveway. As I entered the door, I found my wife and her "friend" fooling around on the couch. Then, two days later I went through her phone and found a text message saying, "You know I love you" followed by similar sentiments from the co-worker. So they loved each other?!

As you can imagine, I'm hurt and heartbroken and confused and angry. What the f*ck has just happened? How did my wife fall for someone else? Why does she want out of our relationship? Why couldn't she support and stay by me when I was at my worst? A ton of crazy questions float in and out of my mind all day long. And let's not even get to the topic of every time I come home now, I "see" that car in my driveway. And every time I look at our couch, I "see" them on it. And it breaks me. 

I've spent many a times huddled on the floor of my shower with scalding hot water spraying on me as big heavy, ugly tears stream down my face. I've contemplated not living (but I have kids and would never do that - just trying to be real here). I've had a rage surge through me that I didn't know existed. I've felt hopeless. And, I've incidentally have had moments of relief and calm overtake me. I'm all over the place. That's how I know why they compare divorce to a death. You think you can bargain to save the relationship, and will find yourself on your knees once day begging to be loved in return. You find yourself spewing such hateful words that you're ashamed of yourself the next day. You find yourself swirling the bottom of the drain with such feelings of hopelessness that you don't know which way is up. 

And everyone tells you that time heals. That life will get better. That you need to hang in there and keep trucking along because you have kids and a full life ahead of you ... and this isn't the end of all that. It just changes things. So, you desperately try to hang onto that hope in those moments of despair and hope the terrible feelings fade soon.