I had counseling earlier this week. Amidst my tears, I realized that the reason Ex-L and I butt heads so much is because for me it's easier to be angry and engage with her that way - its just easier to be mad at her. To have her shut down and not want to speak to me. Otherwise, creeping thoughts of "what if..." and "just maybe..." edge into my brain. And, after everything - that's not what is best for me. It shouldn't be an option. And, it's more painful to sit in the sadness then to ride out the rage.

I mentioned this to her this morning. We both had tears streaming down her face. She texted me later to say that I was right - she felt the same way. That she was so angry with me for so long that she hasn't allowed herself to be sad ... but the closer we get to "moving day" the more it's coming out for her. Her sadness.

And when she says stuff like that, it's like the person I married returns to me briefly. That I can see her, and I feel that love I have/had. For a moment, it's like the nightmare never happened. But a reality check - like an email from your new rental company reminding you of payments and renter's insurance proofs, or your attorney asking for a clarification of address as she completes your prove up, or even just the change you've already made externally on your Facebook page, allows it all to come slamming right into your back. She checked out. She cheated. She asked for a divorce. She didn't even try. The person I love is gone.

I think it's ok to still love her. I'm trying to figure out how to not stay wrapped in that love. To learn to lean on myself. To not let her decisions and what she does in her life debilitate mine. If you have any tips - I'd love to hear them.

The Filing

I filed earlier this week - well, my attorney did. But it feels odd to see that email appear in my inbox of the scanned paperwork all stamped up ... that it's a recorded act and the beginning of the end of our legal marriage. I was trembling a bit that day - and it unleashed some [read: a lot] of anger towards her. It was a rough day.

My attorney is working on the prove up that we hand to the judge with our agreements. Custody arrangements, financial stuff, etc. Then we will get assigned a court date and hopefully only have to make one appearance. Then we'll be legally divorced. Nothing [minus the girls] will tie our lives together. She will no longer be my wife and vice versa. I'm honestly dreading that day.

Running Against Time

I wish there was a set time period of getting over someone or moving through a divorce. There are many, many days when I can't honestly see the other side of this tunnel I'm trapped in. I know others have made it out - have built new lives, met new loves, have smiled again. I want to fast-forward through all of the pain and get to that point. This crap I'm in is a total rollercoaster. And, no matter how much I try to tell myself I'm tired of being sorry for myself, for being the victim, for loving someone incapable of loving me - my heart tugs me right back into that sad, dark, corner of my mind. I know then that I'm no way near through anything ... I have a long journey still ahead.

Many times during the day I feel like I could just burst into tears. My energy is completely zapped. I want to lay in bed, cry and feel sorry for myself. Hey - it's just what I want to do.

Days flitter across my face and for a moment I can barely forget what has happened. I still feel a surge of love for her hit my heart. But just as soon as I feel that, something else will dash across my mind ... it could be a visual of what I walked in on ... it could be a flash of the text message I found, "You know I love you," it could be her cold eyes glaring at me in our most heated arguments - the love of my life telling me to leave her the f*ck alone and only speak to her about the divorce or the children. That she's tired of re-hashing what's happened 80 times a day. The audacity. And my fragile heart shatters all over again.

Her favorite sayings as of late are, "You have everything all figured out, don't you?" or "You've just pieced it all together, haven't you?" The truth is I still feel like I know nothing and am forced to make sense of a terrible situation because I've been given no explanation. I'm told I've been given an explanation that I choose not to accept. That I have had a part in the demise of our marriage too. That I haven't handled the end of our marriage with class or respect. You read that correct - I was lied to and cheated on but I was expected to suck it up and exit with "class and respect." That makes me want to vomit.

"You do realize this all happened over two months ago, right?" That was the newest one. Like I was supposed to be over 8 years of my life with someone in two months. That was enough time to bottle it up and move on - peacefully. Even though I was the one blindsided by this and she had a year [apparently] to figure out her feelings - all while in the comfort of a marriage. I have to battle through my feelings with zero sense of security from the person I loved.

Am I still in love? Am I merely obsessed and frantic? Am I desperate to be loved and mixing that up with feelings of real love? Does your love end when theirs does? When you have experienced deep pain? What happens to that love? I think it transform to anger. And if we can't forgive [I'm not there yet, either] we live with that anger in our hearts - it'll hold us back from ever trusting another person again.

One of her relatives reached out to me on Facebook. She sent a message of hope for me - that she's sad that we're all going through this. That she's prayed for us. That when her husband left her and her two daughters, that her girls became her life - and that she learned to believe that God had a bigger, better plan for her. It was a long time coming but she made it through and has since re-married and lives a very happy life. Her daughters are now grown. She feels that there's a better plan out there for me too - regardless if I believe in God or not. She believes that He has something else in store for me. That warms my heart, to know that her faith brings a message of hope to her for me. That she has been through this dark part of her own life and has made it to other side. That her daughters have found strength in her. And, that she has found love again.

Married to a Narcissist?

I had a great Labor Day weekend - spent a day boating with friends in Michigan, another day catching up with another good friend and then did some retail therapy and worked on getting ready to move. The goal was to keep myself busy because Ex-L took the girls out of town for the weekend. It was weird not having them at home at night ... and being away from them that long. Monday morning was a little rough for me but I was able to drag myself out of it.

I've been doing a ton of ready on co-dependency and narcissism in relationships. I find a ton of similarities in my marriage, and am starting to realize how manipulated I was (and still am) and how this all was inevitable. I'm also trying to pull myself out of the victimization I feel - I need to get strong but I do feel like "why me?" a lot. That's the perfect spot for a narcissist to have you pushed down to. It's also hard to know the person that you loved could/would do all of this - and in the end not really love you anyways. Or maybe they loved you but not in the way you need them to. Not in a way that is healthy. And especially since this is has been a pattern in our relationship, this would happen to me over and over in our relationship. I'll never be "enough" for her. And that's not something that's my fault or that I can control. No one will ever be "enough" for her.

As a codependent, I have a LOT of work to do internally. My self-confidence is gone, my personal self-worth is out the door, my faith in the future is diminished. I'm at a low-point, and I'll never be able to attract all of the good things I want in my life if I can't mirror the good that's already inside of me. I have a lot of work to do to pull her back out. And I'm working on what that looks like - right now I'm just trying to stay busy. Filling up my calendar, connecting with old friends, doing stuff I've never done before. It's not really "fulfilling" stuff as it is "busy" stuff.

To say I'm terrified of life without Ex-L is an understatement. That's part of the co-dependency ... not having faith in myself to provide for myself and be by myself and be ok without her. All stuff that is untrue - I can provide for myself (heck, I provided for our whole family for a long time!), I'm totally ok being by myself and being single, and I'll absolutely be ok without her - I've actually done it before. But I still have that twinge of doubt and that's because I lack self-confidence in myself. I need to learn to be my biggest cheerleader. I'm working on that. I'm sad for myself a lot - sad that I don't have that internal "I'm better than this!" attitude. Sad that I need someone else to validate my self-worth. Sad that I'm not confident in who I am.

I also have a lot of anger, though. I mean - Ex-L left me when I was at my lowest point. My self-esteem was garbage because I was post-partum and alone A LOT. I was isolated and felt just drained. I had no time or motivation to work on myself. And I only had her and myself to lean on. And instead of supporting me or helping me out of that dark hole, she left me. She cheated on me. She gave up on me and left me in that dark place. Who does that? See - and the anger rises up. Ugh!

Happy Family Photos

Our last family photo was taken on Mother's Day - our first Mother's Day. We sat on our couch and each propped a baby on our lap and smiled for a camera with a timer on it. I look at that picture now and wonder why I didn't see the sadness or unhappiness in Ex-L's eyes. Why I thought we didn't have problems that could be solved. Why she had started having an emotional affair on me at that point - and how I was so unaware of what was going on.

Our next family photos are a professional session I have scheduled in October. It'll be mainly just for updated pictures of the girls - but of course I'm going to get some shots of just me and them. It'll be photos from our little lady family. But even if they do not have two parents together in their family photos, I still want them to have memories to look back on. I'm afraid that through the divorce and through re-discovering myself we (or I) will forget to document their little lives that are rapidly blooming. I don't want them to wonder what happened to them during this time in our lives and ask "Why are there no memories or photos of us?" when thinking back to the year that mommy and mama split.

So, part of me is looking forward to updating our family photos for when we move into my new place. It'll be a home that is adorned with photos of me and the two most important ladies in my life. And it will be filled with memories (happy memories) of our lives together. They deserve that.

Skin Crawl

Part of what breaks my heart is thinking of all of the things the person I loved did during the end/fall out of our marriage. It makes my skin crawl to think that someone I trusted and cared about could do these things. For example - texting the other woman constantly on my actual birthday but barely saying anything to me on my day except for a quick "Happy Birthday". I even just received a card and a thrown-together gift. Contacting the other woman on our anniversary (around the time when their relationship got sexual), even though I made a nice dinner. Bringing her into our home on multiple occasions while our children were home - to do god only knows what.

Finding our bed-sheets changed (although she adamantly denies they had sex) on the day I found out she was in my home - the day after I begged Ex-L not to bring her into our home and the day before I found them fooling around in our living room. Finding empty Starbuck's cups with the other woman's name on it hidden in our trash can (which wasn't there earlier so they were stashed and then tossed when I wasn't looking). Finding a receipt for a "love card" and bouquet of flowers (even though Ex-L says they were for a co-worker's mother's birthday).

How can I care about someone that has blatantly not cared about me? How can I care about someone that would disrespect me so gravely and then wonder why I do not believe one word she says? It makes my skin crawl to know that this person would shatter our marriage like this - even if she felt it wasn't working. That's not the way you get out. And to know that she will be around our children, and have whatever/whoever she will have around our children makes me sick inside.

Who has the ability to be so deceitful? And what kind of sick person still mourns that relationship in their life?

Trapped

Sometimes I feel trapped in my own mind. I'll be fine one minute and then doing something completely crazy and obsessive the next. The heart apparently has no shame when it's broken. I just don't feel like myself. I feel trapped in feeling like crap. I feel sad that I'm so dependent on the love of someone else to validate my worth. My counselor mentioned codependency and suggested I read up on it. She recommended a book called Codependent: No More that I downloaded to my Kindle yesterday and am already 22% of the way through (isn't it funny that because of ereaders it's measured in percentage and not pages). 

The book focuses on the partners of alcoholics aka codependents. People that have had mental and emotional implications from living with and loving someone that's been an alcoholic. The unique thing is that codependents go through their experience sober. So it has long-term effects just as much as alcoholism has on the alcoholic. A person can also be codependent stemming from other traumas, and even parental relationships. Part of the reason why I'm so desperate for Ex-L to love me and put all of my worth in her hands stems from the relationship I had with my mother growing up. When I was 5 she handed me over to my dad because she wanted more of a social life and couldn't care for me the way my dad and his parents could. I saw her only on weekends and even then she passed me over for her second ex-husband. I was never good enough for her. The last time I told her I loved her was when I was 6. We've had a strained relationship ever since. I feel like I barely know her. 

And so I know I search for that love from relationships, and I take break-ups especially hard because I feel like it's that mother-rejection all over again. I'm not good enough, I'm not worthy, I'm not loveable. And although that's all not true - it's so hard-wired in my head that it's hard to get past those thoughts. They well up deep within me. It sometimes feels like my life is ruined or that I'll never find love again - that my future is over because this one person cannot/does not love me any more. I know it's ridiculous. I went through a super hard break up before and found Ex-L a few years after - so I know it's all possible. But I'm also terrified to be caught in another relationship that's toxic like this one. At least I know what to expect being with her.

And then part of me is just sad. Sad at this is what my life is and that the happy future that I pictured with her and our children will not happen - at least not together. And that makes me angry. If anyone has advice on when this will start to subside - I'd love to hear it. I worry that this panic and this feeling will last forever. 

Who's Crazy?

I'm still wrapped up in the "craziness" of the break-up. Sometimes I'm super calm and other times I'm completely off my rocker. Like rifling through the garbage looking for "clues" that Ex-L was with the woman she cheated on me with. Who does that? You ever sit back and go "This isn't me?" I'm like that all of the time lately. I feel like the life has been sucked out of me - that who "me" is isn't here. I'm not really sure where she went or if I can ever get my true self back. Maybe I'll just have a new self.

Everyone tells me none of it matters. If Ex-L is still seeing that other woman or telling her she loves her or whatever - it doesn't matter. She and I are over. So what's the point of continuing to just hurt myself over and over by little discoveries? But I think toxic relationships like this one are like a drug - and the pain is addicting. The problem is that I am still working through all of the pain and every time I inflict new pain on my heart, it's like getting a fix. It's weird - I know. It all hurts like crazy but I feel like I'm still waiting for that "A-ha!" moment where I'm like "f*ck her! I'm over it!" and start super focusing on my new life. I'm not there, yet.

Last night before my counseling appointment I went to eat by myself. I have no problems doing things by myself or eating by myself. I think all of those times traveling for work and trying to navigate new states, cities, etc by myself have gotten me used to sitting in a Sizzler sans a dinner date. (sidebar: I only went to Sizzler once - it's a bucket list check off!) But as I left Corner Bakery and headed to my counseling appointment, it was starting to get dark outside and I drive by houses that had their lights on. It hit me then. It hit me that soon, I'll be returning to a home where no one else lives (when I don't have the girls). I won't have Ex-L to return home to. We won't be building a home together any more (not like we are currently, but you know ...). I pictured myself sitting on my couch at night with the lights on in an apartment. It made me super sad. We were supposed to be trying for another baby this winter and looking to buy a house next year. Now I'll be by myself in a rented apartment, seemingly starting from scratch.

Instead of being a happy family unit, I'll be making memories and traditions with my girls alone. Then, they'll go to their other mom and participate in her traditions and build memories with her separate from me. I think this was the first time that it all just sunk in for me. That there's a definite ending to all of this and the limbo that I begged to be over, will in fact be over soon. I will be forced to live alone. I will be sharing my children with another person. I will have to start dating some day (not like any day soon and I can surely never date again ... but ya know). And it's all new and it's all terrifying - to let go of the life you thought you were building and the future you envisioned for yourself. You have to start to let that go and realize that it's not going to happen quite like that anymore.

I'm hoping the crazy moments start to subside a bit. I hate that there's no hard-deadline for the feelings to fade or to start feeling better. To start feeling a bit more hopeful for my future. I'm exhausted just thinking about all of the work I need to do internally. Blah!

Angry Bird

I'm a raging b*tch lately. I'm pretty unapologetic about it too. That really doesn't help anything on the homefront. Every time I think about Ex-L my blood boils. Every lie (real and imagined) I turn over in my mind. Every time I just merely *think* about her actions, I want to scream at the top of my lungs. And, that makes me very pleasant for her to be around.

She tells me she avoids me now because she doesn't want to argue. I'm pissed about that. She asks me if it makes me feel better to yell at her - I tell her it does. She's pissed about that. I tell her I hate her (and some days I do). I am angry because I don't understand ... I never will. But I'm PISSED that I don't understand. I'm hurt, and part of me is angry that I can never hurt her the way she has hurt me. I'm angry that I'm the one that has to feel this way. 

I'm angry that she tells me our marriage wasn't good. I'm angry that I failed to see any of this coming. I'm angry that she didn't just leave but also had to find someone else - which she knew would hurt me even more. I'm angry that she didn't try. I'm angry that she didn't communicate. I'm angry that I blame her for everything. And all I can think about is the day I can move and get away and be in my own space. And I'm angry because that's going to be a f*cking hard day. I'm angry because of all the tears that I have cried and the tears that are yet to come. I'm angry that I'll only get to see my kids 50% of the time. I'm angry that she has forced them to have inconsistency in their lives - to always have to bounce back and forth between the two of us. 

And mainly, I'm just angry that I'm not over it. That it hurts. That I have to feel this pain, yet again, and this time it's 900 times worse. I'm angry, angry, angry. I don't know if that's keeping me moving forward, or helps keep a smile on my face in times like these. I don't know if it's what prevents me from breaking down every single day, or truly going off the deep end. I just know there's a rage that bubbles deep inside of me and at times, I feel like it shoots out of my ears like in all of those comics. And I'm angry because the love of my life doesn't want to be in my life anymore. 

No Service

While Ex-L takes the kiddos out of town for Labor Day weekend, I made plans. Yep - you heard right. I'll be headed out of town too! I'm excited and nervous (and a wee bit sad just because I won't see my babies for 4 days)! I'll be headed to Michigan for a weekend of friends, booze and sunshine! Hopefully the weather holds out. There will be about 20 of us going and hanging out at a friend's house. It's much needed girl-time and social time and me time...all wrapped into one. Glorious!

Because I won't see my kids for 4 days I asked if I can be sent a picture here and there just to know they're ok. Ex-L said sure and then said we could even Skype, but I wasn't sure if I'd have cell service. She then asked if I was going to some third world country. <insert eyeroll> I'm not sure what happened (ok, maybe it was the cheating and request for divorce) but I kind of just went off. I know that I'm all over the place in the "stages of grief" but feel empty a lot lately, and when I'm not empty I'm mostly super angry. I rarely cry much any more ... but I am sleeping a lot and pissed. Soooo there's that. It doesn't help that the person I'm angry at constantly fuels my anger and knows just how to do it, too. To say we're extremely toxic for each other is a gross understatement. She brings out the worst in me.

I'm still counting down the days until I can move. Twenty-seven!!!! I should stock up on some wine now ... I'm sure I'll have a super sad time moving but I just know that I'll have the chance to move on and mind my business and not be consumed by her. It's sad when you're yearning for that type of release.

You Know I Love You

"You know I love you" ... that term holds such strong meaning for me. It's the statement I found on Ex-L's phone in a text message exchange between her and the woman she cheated on me with. It's the term that resounds in my head over and over whenever I think about what she did. It's a term that snaps me back into remembering how I deserve better.

Sometimes I laugh. I laugh because she was supposed to love me. She vowed to love me. She told me many times over how much she loved me - how happy I made her, how I was the love of her life. At our wedding, she told me (in her vows) how she has never loved anyone as much as she has loved me. And then I found myself staring at a screen where she was telling some crinkly-haired woman whom I've never heard of that she loved her ... that she "knew" she loved her ... meaning it wasn't the first time those words were uttered. I feel sorry for that girl. I was that girl.

"You know I love you" gives the power back. It tells me she's a joke. She doesn't know what love is. She's incapable of love. She spits those words out so freely ... and instead of fostering the love of her wife and family, she gives that love freely away to anyone that gives her attention or feeds her ego. That isn't love. That's selfishness.

Today, she was prepping before work and the girls were a little in her way in the kitchen. She tried to give a light and airy voice to them - to encourage them back to me and away from the kitchen. At one point though, her frustration surfaced as she carried a girl back out. All I could think of was how lucky I am to not have to live with that constant frustration and tension in my life. I don't have to worry about what will upset her or what will set her off. I am not on a constant mission to please her - to feel bad about myself when I "fail". That can be someone else's issue.

New Experiences aka Keeping Busy

I've been trying to sign myself up for activities and such so I'm not sitting at home moping around - even when I have the girls with me. This past weekend a friend and I headed to a food truck festival in my town, which was overwhelming but pretty neat. They had about six or seven trucks stationed in a parking lot featuring all different kinds of food. We got there pretty early and selected a truck (featuring grilled cheese!) and the line moved pretty quickly - but by the time we got ready to order we noticed all of the other trucks had tremendously long lines. So, no option of really sampling a bunch of different kinds of food. We ate our grilled cheese and cheese fries though, then headed to Walgreens and picked up a little six pack of beer (hello, high school!) and some cups and went back to the food truck festival because a band was playing that night. We just sat in the grass and talked and it was really nice just to get my mind off of things and have a good time!

Then on Saturday, I woke up early and ran a ton of errands. Hit up counseling and then went shopping for some necessities for the apartment. By the time I got back, Ex-L was headed out for the evening and didn't return home until 3 am. I tossed and turned all night until she got home. But I didn't say anything when she came in or even the next day. I can only imagine where she was or what she was doing until 3 am. But it's not my business anymore and I'm just trying to not get sucked up into something I can't change.

On Sunday I had a softball game and I was asked to bring the girls with - as everyone on the team that had kids were bringing their little ones too! It was like 90 degrees outside, but we hit up the grocery store for snacks, water and ice for our cooler and then headed out. Luckily, sunscreen, hats and a nice canopy to sit under kept the girls from over-heating or getting sunburn while I played. They had lots of fun with the other babies and meeting new people and had lots of yummy food too. They skipped their afternoon nap, though, so by the time we got back in the car around 4 pm to head back home, they both clonked out immediately. It does feel great those days when I can take them out and about with me and actually do stuff. I feel accomplished and better than sitting at home with them. And I think they enjoy getting out too.

And I think focusing on keeping myself busy, sprinkled with remembering that Ex-L treated me bad - whatever way you look at it - and I deserve to be treated better, helps keep my head above water for now. I know I can have a happy life without her, and I can be a great mom. By continuing to focus on my life, instead of hyperfocused on what she's doing and who she's doing it with is just healthier for me overall. And guess what? Only 30 days until the big move!! YESSSSS!!!

You Oughta Know

Did you know that Alanis Morrissette's song "You Oughta Know" is about her ex Dave Coulier? Like, straight from Full House, Uncle Joey - Dave Coulier? He straight broke her heart and then she lit him up lyrically.

It's such a raw song, though and full of that angry rage that you get when going through a break up. Empty promises, and the realization that the person that broke your heart is now with someone new. "I'm here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away ..." Seriously - she's like you can't just walk away from this because it meant something to me and you made a mess of it all. PREACH GURLFRAND. Not gonna lie - this is like my break up anthem right now. AHHHH!

When you're in that dark place and looking for some "oomph" to get that girl-angst going, I have some inspirational resources. Hope they work for you, because sometimes you need a healthy way to get that angery out (read: singing an angry song at the top of your lungs or repeating an awesome empowering mantra to get your head right). Do you!

Article: Fool Me Once - Hot damn this article will get your blood boiling and put you in the "I DESERVE BETTER DAMNIT" camp immediately! It's basically - "you're an asshole and a terrible person and I deserve better." It'll get you feeling that you deserve better - even when you're not sure what that looks like.

Blog: Lessons from the End of a Marriage - Tons of articles that may or may not pertain to you and what you're going through. Isn't it nice to know that someone understands that hot mess of a rollercoaster you're riding right now AND has advice about some of it. Eat this sh*t up, people! I like this article ... it has some great advice on moving forward.

Song: Hold On - Because after you're done screaming at the top of your lungs with Alanis, you need an empowering 'moving on' song. Something that motivates you to be the best you, you can be! Wilson Phillips has this power, ya'll. Use their mystic powers to your advantage!


Blog: Ms. Single Mama - She's since re-married and bounced back from her divorce, but she has an archive of awesome and empowering videos for the single moms out there going through divorce. From dating advice, to even just emotional stuff and getting on with your life - plus, she's on the other side! You can read about her journey from start to finish and know that it can get better for you too! You can also find love again!

Writing: Enough - One of the first (and best) pieces of writing about divorce that captured how I truly felt. Finding Ex-L with another woman took a huge blow to my self-esteem. I felt like a loser. I felt I wasn't good enough. And this women went through something very similar. But it's not about the person your spouse cheated on you with. It's not that they are better or prettier or smarter. “Whatever issues that other person has, they have no bearing on your own validity. You eventually just realize it’s not all about you.” You shouldn't have to question or self-worth, because 99% of the time it isn't even about you or what you're lacking. What caused them to cheat, is not your fault. And what caused them to pick that person isn't because that person is perfect in ways you are not. It has to do with their own internal struggle - their own issues. 

Instagram - Carrie Grace Shop - Carrie Grace is an encourager. I have been a follower of her IG feed for a while but recently began just absolutely devouring it. Carrie likes to motivate people and tell everyone how great they are - even when (especially when) they're going through a difficult time. She was my saving grace that first week after I found Ex-L with someone else. She reminds you to keep going, to spread happiness and joy whereever you go, that you have value and worth. She also sends out weekly emails on Wednesday to share a snippet of her life and provide some mid-week encouragement. She's awesome and happy. Awesome and happy people are what you need in your life - even virtually. 

You Know What Will Kill You?

You know what will kill you? Your mind will. I will be trucking along - having a pretty good day and then bam! A thought will creep into the back of my mind and drag me down with it. Sometimes it's something I see that will trigger it, sometimes I let my mind go astray and it does it itself. The big one that really hurts my heart is the image I have of finding Ex-L with someone else. I hear them, I see them. I remember what was said between us. I remember her face drain, that she never even apologized. She just yelled that we were getting a divorce - that she wasn't getting what she needed from me in our relationship. 

I plummet. The confusion sets in again. The disbelief creeps into the back of my mind. The denial edges forward. I suddenly can't believe this has happened - even if earlier today I was gleefully researching bedroom sets for my new apartment. Divorce is a roller-coaster of crap, my friends. One minute you're in the bottom of bottoms and the next you're "ok" and that ok-feeling tricks you into thinking you're doing great dealing with all of your emotions. But really you're just going through all of the phases of the process emotionally. It just is. 

I'm a big repetitive person. I have to tell myself something over and over. Sometimes I'll read a quote or a line in a self-help book and find myself re-reading that same line 3 or 4 times. I want it to sink in and stay with me. I want a lightbulb to flicker on. I want to accept everything. 

I know there are hard days ahead. Days when Ex-L officially starts dating or starts a serious relationship. I know there are days where my children will be introduced to a new woman - or maybe even get a stepmom. I know those are days that my heart will ache. I'll probably cry and be brought right back into the deep sadness I feel now. And it's like the one place that I should be (the present) is not the place that allow myself to be. 

I'm sad and hurt over the past - over what Ex-L did, what she said and didn't say, how she never fought for me and took the cowardly way out and cheated on me. That she told me how happy and in love she was but was really falling out of love with me. That she allowed herself to fall for someone else - even if it was temporary. I have a blazing anger inside of me when I think about that. And, I'm sad and hurt when I think about the future. That my children will not know what it's like to live in a household where their mommies are married and in love. That all of the dreams we had as a couple, as a family, are gone. How we talked about what a great future we had ahead of us and now that future together is gone. I'm sad and angry over what's to come and the uncertainty that all holds. That I can't control who will be in my children's lives. I hope they experience love and happiness. I really really hope that we can pull that off for them. 

And my heart aches for myself. For being so desperate for love that I was willing to lose myself in someone else. That I allowed them to hurt me 4x's - rejecting me every time. Saying terrible things like, "We do not belong together" or "I am not in love with you anymore." I've heard that FOUR times. I've been broken up with by the same person FOUR times. What kind of person allows that to happen to themselves? Someone with low self-esteem, I tell you. Someone that doesn't think anyone else in the whole wide world will give them love. Someone desperate to find their value and worth in the eyes of another person - someone that hands over that power to someone that will not be able to value them in the long run. And that's all sh*t I desperately need to work on. 

I don't want to be sad forever. I don't want to be obsessed over Ex-L or what she's doing. I don't want to be stuck loving someone that's not good for me. I want freedom. I want happiness. I want my heart to move on. I want to be ok. 

Planner Crazy

One of the things I've really been working on is planning activities to do with my free time. Any activity will really work and honestly, on the days that I do not have something planned, sometimes I just get in the car and drive. It helps me have something to look forward to and keeps me from staying at home wallowing in my pit of sadness. I even took the girls to breakfast the other day by myself! Single mom of the year over here, people!

Anyways, I'm also reverting back to my 16 year old Lisa Frank-loving self. There's this whole community of women that "plan" and by "plan" I mean - use stickers and bright colors and decorate the sh*t out of their $60 planners. I'm jumping on that bandwagon, folks. It's cute, it's a mind-numbingly easy, and gives me a creative outlet. A lot of these lady-planners have the Erin Condren life planners - which are pretty cool and totally break up your day into day, afternoon and evening planning. Super helpful for those busy moms that are planning kid activities, family activities, dinner, etc. I think they even have a line for teachers so they can lesson plan. They're colorful, personalizable and basically addicting. Plus, there are a billion etsy shop out there that make special stickers (YES SPECIAL DAMN STICKERS) to note all of your awesome and fun activities and events!! What the heck, sign me up!

Source: mamasgotittogether.com

I'm an Emily Ley fan though and love her Simplified Planner. I debated switching to the Erin Condren this year and even dabbled into the Day Designer - but bit the bullet and got my Simplified Planner for 2016! This year I decided to "downgrade" and get the weekly version (I had the daily version last year) but also added August - December 2015 to my new planner so I can use it for the rest of the year. Not only did EL make her 2016 planners slightly smaller - but the weekly version is a lot less bulky compared to the daily version and unlike all of those cool ladies with days and days of activities to schedule, I find that I like working off of the monthly view better anyways. So, a weekly at-a-glace is perfect for me. And so far I love it.

And since I want to be cool like all of these lady-planners, I've also started to slowly order some cute stickers off of Etsy that are small enough to fit in my Simplified Planner! I have a little nailpolish bottle for pedi days, a laptop for work from home days, a softball for games, even a little scale so I can keep tracking my weight bi-weekly! FUN! Plus, I think it makes my days look at whole lot happier even if I'm no longer scheduling family activities (but hey! me and the girls are a little family!) or events.

Wanna be cool like me and the other lady-planners out there? Or need a new hobby and want to obsess over your schedule? Or be *so excited* when a new activity actually gets planned in your already busy day? Start off by scoping out all of the crazy-expensive planners and get your credit card out and buy one. Just do it. Then, you can hop on Instagram and find a ton of lady-planners to gain inspiration! One of my faves is Jen DuFore. She blogs budgeting tips at www.jenplans.com and has an awesome planner-focused IG feed at @jen_plans.  Check her commentors on her IG feed and you'll find a TON (like a CRAPTON) of lady-planners that have awesome posts and colorful stickers and then you'll want to spend all of your hard earned money on cute stickers. But it'll be worth it because it'll save your sanity. I promise. :)

I Survived

She went out the other night - with co-workers, and one of those co-workers is the woman I caught her in my home with. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to handle it ... that I'd be caught up in the "what ifs" of the night. That I'd be upset. But I survived. Not to say this is monumental or that I won't have a freak out moment at some time in the future - but I am proud of myself for not allowing her night out overtake my night in. Or my sanity, for that matter. What miracle within me occurred to silence the crazy? I just didn't think about it. Anytime I found my thoughts going to "I wonder what she's doing, I bet they're kissing ... they're probably start talking again," I shut them down as soon as they came in. Because like I said before - it all no longer matters.

I'm trying to get to a point where I accept that we no longer have a relationship or a marriage. I think it's ok to mourn the end of our marriage and to mourn the dreams we had that are no longer able to come to fruition but I think it's bad to stay in that place. Right now, my life is not tied to that marriage. My life consists of me being a single mom of two beautiful little girls - and a wide open future. Now that's something to focus on. And whomever Ex-L decides to sleep with or date really has no physical impact on my life ... and it only hurts as much as I let it. Not to say it won't be painful when it really happens, but the more I focus on the "what ifs" the more I'm absent from my present life.

Although I've floundered at this statement before, "I do deserve better." I deserve to treat myself better, and to build a better life for myself and my girls. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to enjoy the short time I have on this Earth. And that's all stuff that's better.

Am I Whining Too Much?

Actually, I don't care, so don't answer that question. But in case you were wondering - the answer is 'yes.'  I've played the victim and have allowed myself to continue to wallow in my own self-pity and ride the victim train until I can no longer see straight. The sick thing is that I'm aware of that. And, I'm allowing myself to self-pity at least until I can move and be on my own (and even then I may continue to whine a bit longer - because, life). So, hang in there folks.

Sometimes I am talking to someone and I hear myself. Have you ever done that? Really listened to yourself talk? It's not very often that we do. But lately, I'm super aware of the messages that come out of my mouth and what I've been communicating to (quite a few) people. Word vomit, my friends. It's alive and well. Honestly, there are times where I internally eye-roll myself. "Get over it already - grow a pair!" "Quit whining!" But the thing is - I can't. This is my story and my feelings and it's sometimes great to get it all out there. Every crazy theory I have or every time I super sad - unfortunately, some people have just been my life line. And it's good to know when I'm going through a sh*t time, that I'm not alone out there - someone actually does care for me! Or at least finds entertainment in my situation. Either one I'm ok with.

If you were to tell your story today - what would it say? Would people want to listen? Is it worth changing up that story if we're not having a particularly good day, week, month ... year? Should we cater to what people think they want to hear?

The Weeds

Sometimes I'm still caught up in some of the lies that are spewed at me. Once I catch a whiff, I'm on the hunt to decipher and figure out the lie in it's completeness. Mostly, I come up with what I think the lie is - because I'll never know 100%. But I'm stuck in trying to figure it out and then am shatter and hurt all over again once I feel that I cracked the case.

Something I'm trying hard to remember is that Ex-L owes me nothing. And she hasn't been telling the truth to me for months, so why start now? She's choosing to continue with constant lies and live her life like that. I need to remember to not get tangled up in them with her and to shift my focus to other, more productive (read: less crazy) things. It doesn't matter where she's at, who she's with, etc. It only matters who is watching the girls. Period. And by continuing to try to figure out what the hell she's up to (even if it's super sneaky) I'm just wasting time and energy that I could be putting into something else to make myself better.

So - something to think about when you find yourself stuck in the weeds ... and this goes for any area of your life. If it's not productive for you and will only hurt you or waste your time or energy - then shift your focus somewhere else. Find something that gives you life and passion. Find something/someone that's actually worthy of that time and energy. We can do this, people!

It'll Just Be Something You Did ...

Since people have found out that I'm going through a divorce, I've received a ton of advice and snippets of "hope". Little nuggets aimed at helping me feel better. And it's interesting because at this point - not much really helps but I know in the long run that ALL of these people are right. I'm just not in the place to actually feel their revelations yet.

I've heard a lot about time healing wounds, and that this journey I'm on - the farther away I get from it - the less it'll hurt my heart. "It'll just be something you did once ..." It's funny because I know they're right. I've gone through a really bad break-up before (bad for me and not a divorce) and at that time I thought I couldn't live without the other person ... let's just say when I fall, I fall hard. But after I picked up the pieces, and focused on myself ... after time I was able to get over that person and that relationship and move on. It took a while but today, when I think of that person, I think of a friendship and there are no loving/romantic feelings at all. That was something I couldn't fathom to be possible at the time. There was no way I'd ever not love that person! But I was wrong, and I was able to move on. So I know that although it will take time and a lot of pain on my heart - that this will be something similar ... eventually.

Another phrase I hear a lot is "You deserve better." And that's a phrase that I feel guilty for acknowledging. This was someone that I loved, that I married, that I poured my heart and soul into. I never felt like she wasn't good enough for me. But when I think "you deserve better," I feel that's telling myself that she's not worthy of my love. And, after everything she might not be. And the smart part of me knows that I do deserve someone that will treat me better and love me the way that I deserve to be loved. That will fight for me and communicate with me. But, is that a "deserving" feeling? I'm not sure.

"You need to let go." Let go of the person, the marriage, the past. My heart is hanging on super tight. So tight that many times I feel like I can't breathe because all of my energy is thrust into emotionally hanging on. I want to let go. I want to shut my feelings off and just move on. But it's just not that easy. I don't even know how to "let go." How do you do that?

And one of my faves - "You need to focus on you, now." Focus. That's the word that I have trouble with. Because with everything swirling around in my life - my marriage ending, preparing to move, my kids, etc. it's hard to focus on myself at the given moment. There are so many other things that demand my attention. Or, maybe that I willingly hand over my attention to. For a long time I was in a partnership where we were navigating the waters together. We had a plan and we were on that plan together. Now, I have to shift gears massively and figure out what I want to do with my life. That's a big task. Where do you even begin?

Kind of Obsessive

I have a lot of obsessive thoughts that have risen from this impending divorce. I'm not sure about you, but I get a thought in my mind and it swirls and swirls until it's the only thing I can think of. It sucks and it's embarrassing - even if I'm the only one knows that it's going on. The tail-end of my marriage was a base of lots of lies and deceit. I was told I was crazy, when I clearly semi-had things figured out and was only acknowledged when I walked into proof of what I was "crazy" about.

From there, there have been a ton of irrational thoughts that invade my brain. Things that keep me up at night, churn my stomach, produce massive, ugly tears. Things I cannot control, even if they are true. Mainly it has to do with Ex-L and another woman. I'm panicked they haven't stopped speaking, even though she has told me they did. I'm panicked that this woman is over at my house during the day, even though I was told that would never happen again. I'm panicked that my marriage is moving ultra fast, so that Ex-L can be with her - even though I've been told that isn't true. I've been told that everything I'm worried about now I'm making up in my mind and I'm doing this "to myself."

But how do you not worry when you've been lied to for so long, by someone you love? Regardless if I should care or not - I do. This is someone that I love ... loving someone else. And, I'm panicked that she's moved on so fast already and is hiding it from me. I'm torturing myself. And a lot of the times, once these thoughts begin, I can't stop them. They swirl and swirl until I can no longer take it and I either need to lash out at Ex-L and confront her with my "irrational accusations" or I find myself sitting in a steaming hot shower for 30-45 minutes at a time until I can clear my head. I feel crazy. I feel broken. I feel pathetic.

I feel destined for heartbreak. Because I know one day she will for-real move on and I'm terrified what I'll feel about that, and what that will do to me. When I'm being told that she's ready to introduce someone officially to our daughters. When she gets re-married. And, I just feel stuck. Why can't I move on too?

Inspiration

Here are some inspiring quotes to get you through your day ... I know they have helped me. And some of them I repeat to myself on the regular.

Wait - What Am I Agreeing To?

Mediation. So, we scheduled that and everything in my freaking life is moving at warp speed. We were told that it could take two sessions. Each session is billed at $200 an hour and is 2 hours long. Plus, there's a $400 paper drafting fee. If you're playing along - that's a lot of damn money. Divorce is expensive.

So we made a pact to get as much agreed upon prior to our appointment and aim to have it completed in 1. Our mediator scoffed - but we pulled through and only used 1.5 hours of one session. <<high five>> Still, damn depressing. Luckily, we don't own anything together so it's mostly custody and credit card debt.

The appointment itself went smoothly. But we each had a 5 minute pow-wow solo with the mediator at the end, and she asked how we felt about the whole thing. Basically, "now that the other person is out of the room - are you sure you agree to everything?" Of course I cried. Because I don't want this to begin with and I can't believe I'm sitting across from a woman I do not know dividing up my entire life - from exposing all of my debts to talking about who gets the girls on Thanksgiving. But, Ex-L cried too - and on our way out she wouldn't even look at me. So, I know it's hard for her too.

Afterwards, I met with my attorney for an hour and literally felt my eyes begin to glaze over. Maybe it was an out of body experience. Kinda like, "yes, please keep rattling off all of these stipulations and things to know as my life crumbles in front of me." At the end, I literally wanted to shove a blank check into her hands (once she started on about fees) and be like - "take it all - just stop talking!" 

Surprisingly, though I've been kinda numb the entire day. But then I got a surge where I called Ex-L and bawled my eyes out talking about how it was all going so fast and I was still confused and how painful it all is. She teared up too and said it was also hard for her, but she knows this is the right thing. That even though we love each other, love shouldn't be this hard - that we have been fighting for it for years. I actually think she's been running from it for years - because the last I remember, I didn't have a fair chance to actually fight this last time.

And then I get angry. Once I sit back and I think about the things said to me, the excuses given, etc. I start to get this deep anger well inside of me and cannot fathom that if this is a marriage and I'm someone that she vowed to love forever, to care for deeply, that she built a family with - why is it so easy to leave? Why after 1 bad year are we actually filing for divorce? Why was there no work put into it? It makes me think that every excuse put out there is just that - an excuse. And maybe there is no reason behind anything. Maybe she will forever run from the hard times in relationships. Maybe she will be my unicorn.

All I do know is that I'm closer to filing for divorce and making this a permanent arrangement. And even though part of me is waiting for that sweet relief that all of this in-limbo crap is all over - a huge part of me sinks further into a deep sadness, mourning everything we have lost. Mourning those 8 years of our relationship. And feeling like an utter disappointment for two girls that never asked for this.

What the Hell Am I Doing?

I went out and got an apartment - all ready to move out in September, which is the quickest get-away that I could schedule. It's in a nice complex, in an ideal neighborhood and near work. It was the first place I looked at. And honestly, I couldn't continue the search for an apartment because it was f*cking depressing. We were planning to buy a house next year, and here I am telling some random leasing agent that I'm going through a divorce and it'll just be me and my girls. 

She tried to sell me the big 2 bedroom apartment. It was awesome. Vaulted ceilings, enormous bedrooms, two balconies/patios with lots and lots of light! What a dream! But then several other thoughts crept in - for one, the kitchen was a galley kitchen so that meant if I was cooking, I wouldn't be able to see the girls in the living room. Then honestly, I didn't want to pay to heat and cool the larger apartment. And lastly, those days/nights when the girls would be with their other mom, I didn't want to be in this big ole apartment by myself. 

So, I settled for the smaller 2 bedroom apartment that was actually $20 more and 100 square feet less. It has less light and only 1 bathroom compared to the other unit's two. And in this one, I'm giving the girls the master bedroom and I'll take the smaller second bedroom. The good things are thought that it'll be cheaper to heat/cool, and the kitchen is open to the dining room and living room so I can watch the girls and be in the same area. Plus, since it feels smaller - I'm confident that I won't feel like I'm stuck in a big empty place when the girls aren't home. 

So, now my life is about organizing my finances, ordering cable/internet (and deciding if I really need it), looking into moving companies, filtering through my belongings to prepare for a garage sale, looking at divorce paperwork and speaking with attorneys, buying extra cribs, etc. I might not know what the heck I'm doing most of the time - and also am constantly asking myself how my life is where it is now, but I'm moving forward and trying to get my act together for the next chapter in my life. 

What helped you navigate through the pre-divorce stage? Anything that was a great pick-me-up that you did for yourself when you were "free"? 

Not My Fault

Break-ups suck. Divorce sucks more. It's often compared to a death ... in that both parties, regardless of who asks for the divorce, grieve the relationship much like you'd grieve a death. And most of that is due to the dying of lost dreams, building a future together, etc. I'd agree. This sh*t sucks. Not only am I losing my love, but I'm losing everything we had planned together, the dreams of raising our girls in an awesome family home environment, and even my super awesome extended family.

If life was so great - why is it ending? I ask myself this daily. I can sit here and say, "It's not my fault!!" all day long, but I know part of it is. During my pregnancy and the postpartum period, I changed. I didn't have a tough pregnancy but was put on bedrest for 7 weeks. Then after I delivered I think I had a bout of undiagnosed postpartum depression that pretty much left me unmotivated to do anything. I cried a lot, I felt hopeless, I was lonely. And as much as it impacted me - it apparently impacted my partner too. That was something I was unaware of. I thought I was battling this thing on my own. I didn't realize that it was shutting her out, it was changing our dynamic. 

Now, she takes responsibility for not bringing things up sooner. For failing to tell me how she felt because she thought it would all blow over. But then it got to a point where resentment built up and then eventually anger. And, before I knew it we were barely speaking to each other. I didn't even notice things were bad until last month. (Hello, Clueless!) By that time, it was too late. She said she wanted to work on things and save our marriage, and even considered couples counseling. But it was too late for her. Her feelings had changed and she admitted she fell out of love with me.

Now, enter her new-found co-worker friend. Constant text messaging and calls all hours of the day. My soon-to-be ex was so emerged into this new "friendship" that I basically lost my shit constantly because I was insecure of the relationship and didn't understand how she can lean on this person I barely knew yet want nothing to do with me. I was told I was crazy. That this person was just a friend.

And, then one day I came home from work early and found a strange car in my driveway. As I entered the door, I found my wife and her "friend" fooling around on the couch. Then, two days later I went through her phone and found a text message saying, "You know I love you" followed by similar sentiments from the co-worker. So they loved each other?!

As you can imagine, I'm hurt and heartbroken and confused and angry. What the f*ck has just happened? How did my wife fall for someone else? Why does she want out of our relationship? Why couldn't she support and stay by me when I was at my worst? A ton of crazy questions float in and out of my mind all day long. And let's not even get to the topic of every time I come home now, I "see" that car in my driveway. And every time I look at our couch, I "see" them on it. And it breaks me. 

I've spent many a times huddled on the floor of my shower with scalding hot water spraying on me as big heavy, ugly tears stream down my face. I've contemplated not living (but I have kids and would never do that - just trying to be real here). I've had a rage surge through me that I didn't know existed. I've felt hopeless. And, I've incidentally have had moments of relief and calm overtake me. I'm all over the place. That's how I know why they compare divorce to a death. You think you can bargain to save the relationship, and will find yourself on your knees once day begging to be loved in return. You find yourself spewing such hateful words that you're ashamed of yourself the next day. You find yourself swirling the bottom of the drain with such feelings of hopelessness that you don't know which way is up. 

And everyone tells you that time heals. That life will get better. That you need to hang in there and keep trucking along because you have kids and a full life ahead of you ... and this isn't the end of all that. It just changes things. So, you desperately try to hang onto that hope in those moments of despair and hope the terrible feelings fade soon. 

A Library of Self-Help

I've found myself semi-desperate for answers to what is happening right now. I think on some level ... some really super smart, college-educated level ... I'm completely aware of my situation. But I still feel a strong need to understand what my ex-spouse (we'll call her L, so we can call her Ex-L) is thinking and feeling because I'm basically super confused. So even though there are really concrete things coming out of her mouth - I still need answers. And, I'm not hearing what I want to hear. (Hello, Denial!)

Anyways, I've found that I've been basically eating up self-help books. Literally, putting them away in about 2 days time. So, if you're like me and looking for something to at least take your mind off the shit-show your life is going through right now, check out some of these books:

You Are a Badass - Jen Sincero

     Sincero is a self-help, motivational speaker that aims at getting you to see what a freaking spectacular piece of the human race that you are. A lot of what she refers to is the Law of Attraction ... basically, if you think about good, good will come to you. But it's also about realizing your potential and quit wallowing your your own cesspool and getting out there to take charge of your life. This is a book that I plan to re-read very soon. 

Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? - Mindy Kaling

      I'm a huge Mindy Kaling fan. I was literally 1 of 200 people that watched the Mindy Project - which is now a Hulu original series! It's not really divorce-advice material but it's an easy read, with a quick laugh told in that Mindy-style of speak. If you're looking for a good "girl book" or beach read (ala Eat, Pray, Love) style ... grab this book today!

Eat, Pray, Love - Elizabeth Gilbert

     Speaking of Eat, Pray, Love ... this is seriously one of the best books. The movie is even better. And Elizabeth Gilbert is so quotable, she'll quickly become your divorce guru. No joke. EPL is a snapshot into Gilbert's past and how she dealt with her own divorce, aftermath and re-emergence. It's totally about a woman taking life by the balls and showing it who's boss. She discovers not only new lands and experiences, but runs into many awesome people. Eventually, she finds love again ... and we all can use a glimmer of hope that we can too. 

Crazy Time - Abigail Trafford

      Ok, so this book is based in the 90s but the material is *so* relatable. It has been my God-send in terms of me looking for answers to my own marriage's demise. It helps you understand the mindset of the Divorce Seeker and the Divorce Opposer and then how people navigate through these situations. It's relatable content and I've time and time again found myself going "Aha!" and folding over page corners. 

The Total Money Makeover - Dave Ramsey

     Let's be real ... I didn't do the finances in my relationship, even though I was the primary breadwinner for quite a while. I'm not good with money. But now, I'm going to have to be ... especially if I eventually want to buy a home in a kickass school district so that my kids can have a super awesome education. It's time I grow up and become financially smart. It's not just me anymore so there's no excuse. With Dave's book, you learn how to efficiently and quickly manage your debt ... and also plan for your future. Plus he has a bunch of neat online resources to help get your act together. 

So, that's what's holding my life together for the moment. Or at least my sanity. What reads have helped you during this process?

So, here I am ...

So here I am - my first blog post in my first new blog. I'm writing anonomously because I'm cool like that. Kinda like that little aura of mystery that is complimenting my not-so-mysterious real life. Who am I? And, how the hell did I get here?

Well, for now you can call me Ms. Moscato. I'm based in the midwest and I'm in my early 30s. I have two very young twin kiddos. They're pretty amazing, if I do say so myself. I'm on the verge of the big D (aka Divorce) - and I'm not the one asking for it. I'm what you would refer to as the Divorce Opposer. Well, that's what all of my self-help material, that I've been eating up like it's going out of style, has told me. I'm currently balancing 4 out of the 5 stages of grief at any given moment of the day. So, I'm a little nuts right now. 

And - I created this blog as an outlet to share my experience over the next few months, year, etc. of my adventures through the divorce process. I'm sure it'll get ugly. I'm hoping that there are far more cooler moments, honestly. And, I'm just hoping that some lonely soul out there that may be going through the same thing can find hope ... or at least can laugh at the insaneness of my life.