I'm still wrapped up in the "craziness" of the break-up. Sometimes I'm super calm and other times I'm completely off my rocker. Like rifling through the garbage looking for "clues" that Ex-L was with the woman she cheated on me with. Who does that? You ever sit back and go "This isn't me?" I'm like that all of the time lately. I feel like the life has been sucked out of me - that who "me" is isn't here. I'm not really sure where she went or if I can ever get my true self back. Maybe I'll just have a new self.

Everyone tells me none of it matters. If Ex-L is still seeing that other woman or telling her she loves her or whatever - it doesn't matter. She and I are over. So what's the point of continuing to just hurt myself over and over by little discoveries? But I think toxic relationships like this one are like a drug - and the pain is addicting. The problem is that I am still working through all of the pain and every time I inflict new pain on my heart, it's like getting a fix. It's weird - I know. It all hurts like crazy but I feel like I'm still waiting for that "A-ha!" moment where I'm like "f*ck her! I'm over it!" and start super focusing on my new life. I'm not there, yet.

Last night before my counseling appointment I went to eat by myself. I have no problems doing things by myself or eating by myself. I think all of those times traveling for work and trying to navigate new states, cities, etc by myself have gotten me used to sitting in a Sizzler sans a dinner date. (sidebar: I only went to Sizzler once - it's a bucket list check off!) But as I left Corner Bakery and headed to my counseling appointment, it was starting to get dark outside and I drive by houses that had their lights on. It hit me then. It hit me that soon, I'll be returning to a home where no one else lives (when I don't have the girls). I won't have Ex-L to return home to. We won't be building a home together any more (not like we are currently, but you know ...). I pictured myself sitting on my couch at night with the lights on in an apartment. It made me super sad. We were supposed to be trying for another baby this winter and looking to buy a house next year. Now I'll be by myself in a rented apartment, seemingly starting from scratch.

Instead of being a happy family unit, I'll be making memories and traditions with my girls alone. Then, they'll go to their other mom and participate in her traditions and build memories with her separate from me. I think this was the first time that it all just sunk in for me. That there's a definite ending to all of this and the limbo that I begged to be over, will in fact be over soon. I will be forced to live alone. I will be sharing my children with another person. I will have to start dating some day (not like any day soon and I can surely never date again ... but ya know). And it's all new and it's all terrifying - to let go of the life you thought you were building and the future you envisioned for yourself. You have to start to let that go and realize that it's not going to happen quite like that anymore.

I'm hoping the crazy moments start to subside a bit. I hate that there's no hard-deadline for the feelings to fade or to start feeling better. To start feeling a bit more hopeful for my future. I'm exhausted just thinking about all of the work I need to do internally. Blah!

You Oughta Know

Did you know that Alanis Morrissette's song "You Oughta Know" is about her ex Dave Coulier? Like, straight from Full House, Uncle Joey - Dave Coulier? He straight broke her heart and then she lit him up lyrically.

It's such a raw song, though and full of that angry rage that you get when going through a break up. Empty promises, and the realization that the person that broke your heart is now with someone new. "I'm here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away ..." Seriously - she's like you can't just walk away from this because it meant something to me and you made a mess of it all. PREACH GURLFRAND. Not gonna lie - this is like my break up anthem right now. AHHHH!

When you're in that dark place and looking for some "oomph" to get that girl-angst going, I have some inspirational resources. Hope they work for you, because sometimes you need a healthy way to get that angery out (read: singing an angry song at the top of your lungs or repeating an awesome empowering mantra to get your head right). Do you!

Article: Fool Me Once - Hot damn this article will get your blood boiling and put you in the "I DESERVE BETTER DAMNIT" camp immediately! It's basically - "you're an asshole and a terrible person and I deserve better." It'll get you feeling that you deserve better - even when you're not sure what that looks like.

Blog: Lessons from the End of a Marriage - Tons of articles that may or may not pertain to you and what you're going through. Isn't it nice to know that someone understands that hot mess of a rollercoaster you're riding right now AND has advice about some of it. Eat this sh*t up, people! I like this article ... it has some great advice on moving forward.

Song: Hold On - Because after you're done screaming at the top of your lungs with Alanis, you need an empowering 'moving on' song. Something that motivates you to be the best you, you can be! Wilson Phillips has this power, ya'll. Use their mystic powers to your advantage!


Blog: Ms. Single Mama - She's since re-married and bounced back from her divorce, but she has an archive of awesome and empowering videos for the single moms out there going through divorce. From dating advice, to even just emotional stuff and getting on with your life - plus, she's on the other side! You can read about her journey from start to finish and know that it can get better for you too! You can also find love again!

Writing: Enough - One of the first (and best) pieces of writing about divorce that captured how I truly felt. Finding Ex-L with another woman took a huge blow to my self-esteem. I felt like a loser. I felt I wasn't good enough. And this women went through something very similar. But it's not about the person your spouse cheated on you with. It's not that they are better or prettier or smarter. “Whatever issues that other person has, they have no bearing on your own validity. You eventually just realize it’s not all about you.” You shouldn't have to question or self-worth, because 99% of the time it isn't even about you or what you're lacking. What caused them to cheat, is not your fault. And what caused them to pick that person isn't because that person is perfect in ways you are not. It has to do with their own internal struggle - their own issues. 

Instagram - Carrie Grace Shop - Carrie Grace is an encourager. I have been a follower of her IG feed for a while but recently began just absolutely devouring it. Carrie likes to motivate people and tell everyone how great they are - even when (especially when) they're going through a difficult time. She was my saving grace that first week after I found Ex-L with someone else. She reminds you to keep going, to spread happiness and joy whereever you go, that you have value and worth. She also sends out weekly emails on Wednesday to share a snippet of her life and provide some mid-week encouragement. She's awesome and happy. Awesome and happy people are what you need in your life - even virtually. 

Am I Whining Too Much?

Actually, I don't care, so don't answer that question. But in case you were wondering - the answer is 'yes.'  I've played the victim and have allowed myself to continue to wallow in my own self-pity and ride the victim train until I can no longer see straight. The sick thing is that I'm aware of that. And, I'm allowing myself to self-pity at least until I can move and be on my own (and even then I may continue to whine a bit longer - because, life). So, hang in there folks.

Sometimes I am talking to someone and I hear myself. Have you ever done that? Really listened to yourself talk? It's not very often that we do. But lately, I'm super aware of the messages that come out of my mouth and what I've been communicating to (quite a few) people. Word vomit, my friends. It's alive and well. Honestly, there are times where I internally eye-roll myself. "Get over it already - grow a pair!" "Quit whining!" But the thing is - I can't. This is my story and my feelings and it's sometimes great to get it all out there. Every crazy theory I have or every time I super sad - unfortunately, some people have just been my life line. And it's good to know when I'm going through a sh*t time, that I'm not alone out there - someone actually does care for me! Or at least finds entertainment in my situation. Either one I'm ok with.

If you were to tell your story today - what would it say? Would people want to listen? Is it worth changing up that story if we're not having a particularly good day, week, month ... year? Should we cater to what people think they want to hear?

Wait - What Am I Agreeing To?

Mediation. So, we scheduled that and everything in my freaking life is moving at warp speed. We were told that it could take two sessions. Each session is billed at $200 an hour and is 2 hours long. Plus, there's a $400 paper drafting fee. If you're playing along - that's a lot of damn money. Divorce is expensive.

So we made a pact to get as much agreed upon prior to our appointment and aim to have it completed in 1. Our mediator scoffed - but we pulled through and only used 1.5 hours of one session. <<high five>> Still, damn depressing. Luckily, we don't own anything together so it's mostly custody and credit card debt.

The appointment itself went smoothly. But we each had a 5 minute pow-wow solo with the mediator at the end, and she asked how we felt about the whole thing. Basically, "now that the other person is out of the room - are you sure you agree to everything?" Of course I cried. Because I don't want this to begin with and I can't believe I'm sitting across from a woman I do not know dividing up my entire life - from exposing all of my debts to talking about who gets the girls on Thanksgiving. But, Ex-L cried too - and on our way out she wouldn't even look at me. So, I know it's hard for her too.

Afterwards, I met with my attorney for an hour and literally felt my eyes begin to glaze over. Maybe it was an out of body experience. Kinda like, "yes, please keep rattling off all of these stipulations and things to know as my life crumbles in front of me." At the end, I literally wanted to shove a blank check into her hands (once she started on about fees) and be like - "take it all - just stop talking!" 

Surprisingly, though I've been kinda numb the entire day. But then I got a surge where I called Ex-L and bawled my eyes out talking about how it was all going so fast and I was still confused and how painful it all is. She teared up too and said it was also hard for her, but she knows this is the right thing. That even though we love each other, love shouldn't be this hard - that we have been fighting for it for years. I actually think she's been running from it for years - because the last I remember, I didn't have a fair chance to actually fight this last time.

And then I get angry. Once I sit back and I think about the things said to me, the excuses given, etc. I start to get this deep anger well inside of me and cannot fathom that if this is a marriage and I'm someone that she vowed to love forever, to care for deeply, that she built a family with - why is it so easy to leave? Why after 1 bad year are we actually filing for divorce? Why was there no work put into it? It makes me think that every excuse put out there is just that - an excuse. And maybe there is no reason behind anything. Maybe she will forever run from the hard times in relationships. Maybe she will be my unicorn.

All I do know is that I'm closer to filing for divorce and making this a permanent arrangement. And even though part of me is waiting for that sweet relief that all of this in-limbo crap is all over - a huge part of me sinks further into a deep sadness, mourning everything we have lost. Mourning those 8 years of our relationship. And feeling like an utter disappointment for two girls that never asked for this.