I had counseling earlier this week. Amidst my tears, I realized that the reason Ex-L and I butt heads so much is because for me it's easier to be angry and engage with her that way - its just easier to be mad at her. To have her shut down and not want to speak to me. Otherwise, creeping thoughts of "what if..." and "just maybe..." edge into my brain. And, after everything - that's not what is best for me. It shouldn't be an option. And, it's more painful to sit in the sadness then to ride out the rage.

I mentioned this to her this morning. We both had tears streaming down her face. She texted me later to say that I was right - she felt the same way. That she was so angry with me for so long that she hasn't allowed herself to be sad ... but the closer we get to "moving day" the more it's coming out for her. Her sadness.

And when she says stuff like that, it's like the person I married returns to me briefly. That I can see her, and I feel that love I have/had. For a moment, it's like the nightmare never happened. But a reality check - like an email from your new rental company reminding you of payments and renter's insurance proofs, or your attorney asking for a clarification of address as she completes your prove up, or even just the change you've already made externally on your Facebook page, allows it all to come slamming right into your back. She checked out. She cheated. She asked for a divorce. She didn't even try. The person I love is gone.

I think it's ok to still love her. I'm trying to figure out how to not stay wrapped in that love. To learn to lean on myself. To not let her decisions and what she does in her life debilitate mine. If you have any tips - I'd love to hear them.

Angry Bird

I'm a raging b*tch lately. I'm pretty unapologetic about it too. That really doesn't help anything on the homefront. Every time I think about Ex-L my blood boils. Every lie (real and imagined) I turn over in my mind. Every time I just merely *think* about her actions, I want to scream at the top of my lungs. And, that makes me very pleasant for her to be around.

She tells me she avoids me now because she doesn't want to argue. I'm pissed about that. She asks me if it makes me feel better to yell at her - I tell her it does. She's pissed about that. I tell her I hate her (and some days I do). I am angry because I don't understand ... I never will. But I'm PISSED that I don't understand. I'm hurt, and part of me is angry that I can never hurt her the way she has hurt me. I'm angry that I'm the one that has to feel this way. 

I'm angry that she tells me our marriage wasn't good. I'm angry that I failed to see any of this coming. I'm angry that she didn't just leave but also had to find someone else - which she knew would hurt me even more. I'm angry that she didn't try. I'm angry that she didn't communicate. I'm angry that I blame her for everything. And all I can think about is the day I can move and get away and be in my own space. And I'm angry because that's going to be a f*cking hard day. I'm angry because of all the tears that I have cried and the tears that are yet to come. I'm angry that I'll only get to see my kids 50% of the time. I'm angry that she has forced them to have inconsistency in their lives - to always have to bounce back and forth between the two of us. 

And mainly, I'm just angry that I'm not over it. That it hurts. That I have to feel this pain, yet again, and this time it's 900 times worse. I'm angry, angry, angry. I don't know if that's keeping me moving forward, or helps keep a smile on my face in times like these. I don't know if it's what prevents me from breaking down every single day, or truly going off the deep end. I just know there's a rage that bubbles deep inside of me and at times, I feel like it shoots out of my ears like in all of those comics. And I'm angry because the love of my life doesn't want to be in my life anymore. 

I Survived

She went out the other night - with co-workers, and one of those co-workers is the woman I caught her in my home with. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to handle it ... that I'd be caught up in the "what ifs" of the night. That I'd be upset. But I survived. Not to say this is monumental or that I won't have a freak out moment at some time in the future - but I am proud of myself for not allowing her night out overtake my night in. Or my sanity, for that matter. What miracle within me occurred to silence the crazy? I just didn't think about it. Anytime I found my thoughts going to "I wonder what she's doing, I bet they're kissing ... they're probably start talking again," I shut them down as soon as they came in. Because like I said before - it all no longer matters.

I'm trying to get to a point where I accept that we no longer have a relationship or a marriage. I think it's ok to mourn the end of our marriage and to mourn the dreams we had that are no longer able to come to fruition but I think it's bad to stay in that place. Right now, my life is not tied to that marriage. My life consists of me being a single mom of two beautiful little girls - and a wide open future. Now that's something to focus on. And whomever Ex-L decides to sleep with or date really has no physical impact on my life ... and it only hurts as much as I let it. Not to say it won't be painful when it really happens, but the more I focus on the "what ifs" the more I'm absent from my present life.

Although I've floundered at this statement before, "I do deserve better." I deserve to treat myself better, and to build a better life for myself and my girls. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to enjoy the short time I have on this Earth. And that's all stuff that's better.

Am I Whining Too Much?

Actually, I don't care, so don't answer that question. But in case you were wondering - the answer is 'yes.'  I've played the victim and have allowed myself to continue to wallow in my own self-pity and ride the victim train until I can no longer see straight. The sick thing is that I'm aware of that. And, I'm allowing myself to self-pity at least until I can move and be on my own (and even then I may continue to whine a bit longer - because, life). So, hang in there folks.

Sometimes I am talking to someone and I hear myself. Have you ever done that? Really listened to yourself talk? It's not very often that we do. But lately, I'm super aware of the messages that come out of my mouth and what I've been communicating to (quite a few) people. Word vomit, my friends. It's alive and well. Honestly, there are times where I internally eye-roll myself. "Get over it already - grow a pair!" "Quit whining!" But the thing is - I can't. This is my story and my feelings and it's sometimes great to get it all out there. Every crazy theory I have or every time I super sad - unfortunately, some people have just been my life line. And it's good to know when I'm going through a sh*t time, that I'm not alone out there - someone actually does care for me! Or at least finds entertainment in my situation. Either one I'm ok with.

If you were to tell your story today - what would it say? Would people want to listen? Is it worth changing up that story if we're not having a particularly good day, week, month ... year? Should we cater to what people think they want to hear?

The Weeds

Sometimes I'm still caught up in some of the lies that are spewed at me. Once I catch a whiff, I'm on the hunt to decipher and figure out the lie in it's completeness. Mostly, I come up with what I think the lie is - because I'll never know 100%. But I'm stuck in trying to figure it out and then am shatter and hurt all over again once I feel that I cracked the case.

Something I'm trying hard to remember is that Ex-L owes me nothing. And she hasn't been telling the truth to me for months, so why start now? She's choosing to continue with constant lies and live her life like that. I need to remember to not get tangled up in them with her and to shift my focus to other, more productive (read: less crazy) things. It doesn't matter where she's at, who she's with, etc. It only matters who is watching the girls. Period. And by continuing to try to figure out what the hell she's up to (even if it's super sneaky) I'm just wasting time and energy that I could be putting into something else to make myself better.

So - something to think about when you find yourself stuck in the weeds ... and this goes for any area of your life. If it's not productive for you and will only hurt you or waste your time or energy - then shift your focus somewhere else. Find something that gives you life and passion. Find something/someone that's actually worthy of that time and energy. We can do this, people!

Not My Fault

Break-ups suck. Divorce sucks more. It's often compared to a death ... in that both parties, regardless of who asks for the divorce, grieve the relationship much like you'd grieve a death. And most of that is due to the dying of lost dreams, building a future together, etc. I'd agree. This sh*t sucks. Not only am I losing my love, but I'm losing everything we had planned together, the dreams of raising our girls in an awesome family home environment, and even my super awesome extended family.

If life was so great - why is it ending? I ask myself this daily. I can sit here and say, "It's not my fault!!" all day long, but I know part of it is. During my pregnancy and the postpartum period, I changed. I didn't have a tough pregnancy but was put on bedrest for 7 weeks. Then after I delivered I think I had a bout of undiagnosed postpartum depression that pretty much left me unmotivated to do anything. I cried a lot, I felt hopeless, I was lonely. And as much as it impacted me - it apparently impacted my partner too. That was something I was unaware of. I thought I was battling this thing on my own. I didn't realize that it was shutting her out, it was changing our dynamic. 

Now, she takes responsibility for not bringing things up sooner. For failing to tell me how she felt because she thought it would all blow over. But then it got to a point where resentment built up and then eventually anger. And, before I knew it we were barely speaking to each other. I didn't even notice things were bad until last month. (Hello, Clueless!) By that time, it was too late. She said she wanted to work on things and save our marriage, and even considered couples counseling. But it was too late for her. Her feelings had changed and she admitted she fell out of love with me.

Now, enter her new-found co-worker friend. Constant text messaging and calls all hours of the day. My soon-to-be ex was so emerged into this new "friendship" that I basically lost my shit constantly because I was insecure of the relationship and didn't understand how she can lean on this person I barely knew yet want nothing to do with me. I was told I was crazy. That this person was just a friend.

And, then one day I came home from work early and found a strange car in my driveway. As I entered the door, I found my wife and her "friend" fooling around on the couch. Then, two days later I went through her phone and found a text message saying, "You know I love you" followed by similar sentiments from the co-worker. So they loved each other?!

As you can imagine, I'm hurt and heartbroken and confused and angry. What the f*ck has just happened? How did my wife fall for someone else? Why does she want out of our relationship? Why couldn't she support and stay by me when I was at my worst? A ton of crazy questions float in and out of my mind all day long. And let's not even get to the topic of every time I come home now, I "see" that car in my driveway. And every time I look at our couch, I "see" them on it. And it breaks me. 

I've spent many a times huddled on the floor of my shower with scalding hot water spraying on me as big heavy, ugly tears stream down my face. I've contemplated not living (but I have kids and would never do that - just trying to be real here). I've had a rage surge through me that I didn't know existed. I've felt hopeless. And, I've incidentally have had moments of relief and calm overtake me. I'm all over the place. That's how I know why they compare divorce to a death. You think you can bargain to save the relationship, and will find yourself on your knees once day begging to be loved in return. You find yourself spewing such hateful words that you're ashamed of yourself the next day. You find yourself swirling the bottom of the drain with such feelings of hopelessness that you don't know which way is up. 

And everyone tells you that time heals. That life will get better. That you need to hang in there and keep trucking along because you have kids and a full life ahead of you ... and this isn't the end of all that. It just changes things. So, you desperately try to hang onto that hope in those moments of despair and hope the terrible feelings fade soon.