You Know What Will Kill You?

You know what will kill you? Your mind will. I will be trucking along - having a pretty good day and then bam! A thought will creep into the back of my mind and drag me down with it. Sometimes it's something I see that will trigger it, sometimes I let my mind go astray and it does it itself. The big one that really hurts my heart is the image I have of finding Ex-L with someone else. I hear them, I see them. I remember what was said between us. I remember her face drain, that she never even apologized. She just yelled that we were getting a divorce - that she wasn't getting what she needed from me in our relationship. 

I plummet. The confusion sets in again. The disbelief creeps into the back of my mind. The denial edges forward. I suddenly can't believe this has happened - even if earlier today I was gleefully researching bedroom sets for my new apartment. Divorce is a roller-coaster of crap, my friends. One minute you're in the bottom of bottoms and the next you're "ok" and that ok-feeling tricks you into thinking you're doing great dealing with all of your emotions. But really you're just going through all of the phases of the process emotionally. It just is. 

I'm a big repetitive person. I have to tell myself something over and over. Sometimes I'll read a quote or a line in a self-help book and find myself re-reading that same line 3 or 4 times. I want it to sink in and stay with me. I want a lightbulb to flicker on. I want to accept everything. 

I know there are hard days ahead. Days when Ex-L officially starts dating or starts a serious relationship. I know there are days where my children will be introduced to a new woman - or maybe even get a stepmom. I know those are days that my heart will ache. I'll probably cry and be brought right back into the deep sadness I feel now. And it's like the one place that I should be (the present) is not the place that allow myself to be. 

I'm sad and hurt over the past - over what Ex-L did, what she said and didn't say, how she never fought for me and took the cowardly way out and cheated on me. That she told me how happy and in love she was but was really falling out of love with me. That she allowed herself to fall for someone else - even if it was temporary. I have a blazing anger inside of me when I think about that. And, I'm sad and hurt when I think about the future. That my children will not know what it's like to live in a household where their mommies are married and in love. That all of the dreams we had as a couple, as a family, are gone. How we talked about what a great future we had ahead of us and now that future together is gone. I'm sad and angry over what's to come and the uncertainty that all holds. That I can't control who will be in my children's lives. I hope they experience love and happiness. I really really hope that we can pull that off for them. 

And my heart aches for myself. For being so desperate for love that I was willing to lose myself in someone else. That I allowed them to hurt me 4x's - rejecting me every time. Saying terrible things like, "We do not belong together" or "I am not in love with you anymore." I've heard that FOUR times. I've been broken up with by the same person FOUR times. What kind of person allows that to happen to themselves? Someone with low self-esteem, I tell you. Someone that doesn't think anyone else in the whole wide world will give them love. Someone desperate to find their value and worth in the eyes of another person - someone that hands over that power to someone that will not be able to value them in the long run. And that's all sh*t I desperately need to work on. 

I don't want to be sad forever. I don't want to be obsessed over Ex-L or what she's doing. I don't want to be stuck loving someone that's not good for me. I want freedom. I want happiness. I want my heart to move on. I want to be ok.