I've been trying to sign myself up for activities and such so I'm not sitting at home moping around - even when I have the girls with me. This past weekend a friend and I headed to a food truck festival in my town, which was overwhelming but pretty neat. They had about six or seven trucks stationed in a parking lot featuring all different kinds of food. We got there pretty early and selected a truck (featuring grilled cheese!) and the line moved pretty quickly - but by the time we got ready to order we noticed all of the other trucks had tremendously long lines. So, no option of really sampling a bunch of different kinds of food. We ate our grilled cheese and cheese fries though, then headed to Walgreens and picked up a little six pack of beer (hello, high school!) and some cups and went back to the food truck festival because a band was playing that night. We just sat in the grass and talked and it was really nice just to get my mind off of things and have a good time!

Then on Saturday, I woke up early and ran a ton of errands. Hit up counseling and then went shopping for some necessities for the apartment. By the time I got back, Ex-L was headed out for the evening and didn't return home until 3 am. I tossed and turned all night until she got home. But I didn't say anything when she came in or even the next day. I can only imagine where she was or what she was doing until 3 am. But it's not my business anymore and I'm just trying to not get sucked up into something I can't change.

On Sunday I had a softball game and I was asked to bring the girls with - as everyone on the team that had kids were bringing their little ones too! It was like 90 degrees outside, but we hit up the grocery store for snacks, water and ice for our cooler and then headed out. Luckily, sunscreen, hats and a nice canopy to sit under kept the girls from over-heating or getting sunburn while I played. They had lots of fun with the other babies and meeting new people and had lots of yummy food too. They skipped their afternoon nap, though, so by the time we got back in the car around 4 pm to head back home, they both clonked out immediately. It does feel great those days when I can take them out and about with me and actually do stuff. I feel accomplished and better than sitting at home with them. And I think they enjoy getting out too.

And I think focusing on keeping myself busy, sprinkled with remembering that Ex-L treated me bad - whatever way you look at it - and I deserve to be treated better, helps keep my head above water for now. I know I can have a happy life without her, and I can be a great mom. By continuing to focus on my life, instead of hyperfocused on what she's doing and who she's doing it with is just healthier for me overall. And guess what? Only 30 days until the big move!! YESSSSS!!!

It'll Just Be Something You Did ...

Since people have found out that I'm going through a divorce, I've received a ton of advice and snippets of "hope". Little nuggets aimed at helping me feel better. And it's interesting because at this point - not much really helps but I know in the long run that ALL of these people are right. I'm just not in the place to actually feel their revelations yet.

I've heard a lot about time healing wounds, and that this journey I'm on - the farther away I get from it - the less it'll hurt my heart. "It'll just be something you did once ..." It's funny because I know they're right. I've gone through a really bad break-up before (bad for me and not a divorce) and at that time I thought I couldn't live without the other person ... let's just say when I fall, I fall hard. But after I picked up the pieces, and focused on myself ... after time I was able to get over that person and that relationship and move on. It took a while but today, when I think of that person, I think of a friendship and there are no loving/romantic feelings at all. That was something I couldn't fathom to be possible at the time. There was no way I'd ever not love that person! But I was wrong, and I was able to move on. So I know that although it will take time and a lot of pain on my heart - that this will be something similar ... eventually.

Another phrase I hear a lot is "You deserve better." And that's a phrase that I feel guilty for acknowledging. This was someone that I loved, that I married, that I poured my heart and soul into. I never felt like she wasn't good enough for me. But when I think "you deserve better," I feel that's telling myself that she's not worthy of my love. And, after everything she might not be. And the smart part of me knows that I do deserve someone that will treat me better and love me the way that I deserve to be loved. That will fight for me and communicate with me. But, is that a "deserving" feeling? I'm not sure.

"You need to let go." Let go of the person, the marriage, the past. My heart is hanging on super tight. So tight that many times I feel like I can't breathe because all of my energy is thrust into emotionally hanging on. I want to let go. I want to shut my feelings off and just move on. But it's just not that easy. I don't even know how to "let go." How do you do that?

And one of my faves - "You need to focus on you, now." Focus. That's the word that I have trouble with. Because with everything swirling around in my life - my marriage ending, preparing to move, my kids, etc. it's hard to focus on myself at the given moment. There are so many other things that demand my attention. Or, maybe that I willingly hand over my attention to. For a long time I was in a partnership where we were navigating the waters together. We had a plan and we were on that plan together. Now, I have to shift gears massively and figure out what I want to do with my life. That's a big task. Where do you even begin?