Part of what breaks my heart is thinking of all of the things the person I loved did during the end/fall out of our marriage. It makes my skin crawl to think that someone I trusted and cared about could do these things. For example - texting the other woman constantly on my actual birthday but barely saying anything to me on my day except for a quick "Happy Birthday". I even just received a card and a thrown-together gift. Contacting the other woman on our anniversary (around the time when their relationship got sexual), even though I made a nice dinner. Bringing her into our home on multiple occasions while our children were home - to do god only knows what.
Finding our bed-sheets changed (although she adamantly denies they had sex) on the day I found out she was in my home - the day after I begged Ex-L not to bring her into our home and the day before I found them fooling around in our living room. Finding empty Starbuck's cups with the other woman's name on it hidden in our trash can (which wasn't there earlier so they were stashed and then tossed when I wasn't looking). Finding a receipt for a "love card" and bouquet of flowers (even though Ex-L says they were for a co-worker's mother's birthday).
How can I care about someone that has blatantly not cared about me? How can I care about someone that would disrespect me so gravely and then wonder why I do not believe one word she says? It makes my skin crawl to know that this person would shatter our marriage like this - even if she felt it wasn't working. That's not the way you get out. And to know that she will be around our children, and have whatever/whoever she will have around our children makes me sick inside.
Who has the ability to be so deceitful? And what kind of sick person still mourns that relationship in their life?
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Skin Crawl
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
I'm still wrapped up in the "craziness" of the break-up. Sometimes I'm super calm and other times I'm completely off my rocker. Like rifling through the garbage looking for "clues" that Ex-L was with the woman she cheated on me with. Who does that? You ever sit back and go "This isn't me?" I'm like that all of the time lately. I feel like the life has been sucked out of me - that who "me" is isn't here. I'm not really sure where she went or if I can ever get my true self back. Maybe I'll just have a new self.
Everyone tells me none of it matters. If Ex-L is still seeing that other woman or telling her she loves her or whatever - it doesn't matter. She and I are over. So what's the point of continuing to just hurt myself over and over by little discoveries? But I think toxic relationships like this one are like a drug - and the pain is addicting. The problem is that I am still working through all of the pain and every time I inflict new pain on my heart, it's like getting a fix. It's weird - I know. It all hurts like crazy but I feel like I'm still waiting for that "A-ha!" moment where I'm like "f*ck her! I'm over it!" and start super focusing on my new life. I'm not there, yet.
Last night before my counseling appointment I went to eat by myself. I have no problems doing things by myself or eating by myself. I think all of those times traveling for work and trying to navigate new states, cities, etc by myself have gotten me used to sitting in a Sizzler sans a dinner date. (sidebar: I only went to Sizzler once - it's a bucket list check off!) But as I left Corner Bakery and headed to my counseling appointment, it was starting to get dark outside and I drive by houses that had their lights on. It hit me then. It hit me that soon, I'll be returning to a home where no one else lives (when I don't have the girls). I won't have Ex-L to return home to. We won't be building a home together any more (not like we are currently, but you know ...). I pictured myself sitting on my couch at night with the lights on in an apartment. It made me super sad. We were supposed to be trying for another baby this winter and looking to buy a house next year. Now I'll be by myself in a rented apartment, seemingly starting from scratch.
Instead of being a happy family unit, I'll be making memories and traditions with my girls alone. Then, they'll go to their other mom and participate in her traditions and build memories with her separate from me. I think this was the first time that it all just sunk in for me. That there's a definite ending to all of this and the limbo that I begged to be over, will in fact be over soon. I will be forced to live alone. I will be sharing my children with another person. I will have to start dating some day (not like any day soon and I can surely never date again ... but ya know). And it's all new and it's all terrifying - to let go of the life you thought you were building and the future you envisioned for yourself. You have to start to let that go and realize that it's not going to happen quite like that anymore.
I'm hoping the crazy moments start to subside a bit. I hate that there's no hard-deadline for the feelings to fade or to start feeling better. To start feeling a bit more hopeful for my future. I'm exhausted just thinking about all of the work I need to do internally. Blah!
Everyone tells me none of it matters. If Ex-L is still seeing that other woman or telling her she loves her or whatever - it doesn't matter. She and I are over. So what's the point of continuing to just hurt myself over and over by little discoveries? But I think toxic relationships like this one are like a drug - and the pain is addicting. The problem is that I am still working through all of the pain and every time I inflict new pain on my heart, it's like getting a fix. It's weird - I know. It all hurts like crazy but I feel like I'm still waiting for that "A-ha!" moment where I'm like "f*ck her! I'm over it!" and start super focusing on my new life. I'm not there, yet.
Last night before my counseling appointment I went to eat by myself. I have no problems doing things by myself or eating by myself. I think all of those times traveling for work and trying to navigate new states, cities, etc by myself have gotten me used to sitting in a Sizzler sans a dinner date. (sidebar: I only went to Sizzler once - it's a bucket list check off!) But as I left Corner Bakery and headed to my counseling appointment, it was starting to get dark outside and I drive by houses that had their lights on. It hit me then. It hit me that soon, I'll be returning to a home where no one else lives (when I don't have the girls). I won't have Ex-L to return home to. We won't be building a home together any more (not like we are currently, but you know ...). I pictured myself sitting on my couch at night with the lights on in an apartment. It made me super sad. We were supposed to be trying for another baby this winter and looking to buy a house next year. Now I'll be by myself in a rented apartment, seemingly starting from scratch.
Instead of being a happy family unit, I'll be making memories and traditions with my girls alone. Then, they'll go to their other mom and participate in her traditions and build memories with her separate from me. I think this was the first time that it all just sunk in for me. That there's a definite ending to all of this and the limbo that I begged to be over, will in fact be over soon. I will be forced to live alone. I will be sharing my children with another person. I will have to start dating some day (not like any day soon and I can surely never date again ... but ya know). And it's all new and it's all terrifying - to let go of the life you thought you were building and the future you envisioned for yourself. You have to start to let that go and realize that it's not going to happen quite like that anymore.
I'm hoping the crazy moments start to subside a bit. I hate that there's no hard-deadline for the feelings to fade or to start feeling better. To start feeling a bit more hopeful for my future. I'm exhausted just thinking about all of the work I need to do internally. Blah!
Friday, August 21, 2015
I'm a raging b*tch lately. I'm pretty unapologetic about it too. That really doesn't help anything on the homefront. Every time I think about Ex-L my blood boils. Every lie (real and imagined) I turn over in my mind. Every time I just merely *think* about her actions, I want to scream at the top of my lungs. And, that makes me very pleasant for her to be around.
She tells me she avoids me now because she doesn't want to argue. I'm pissed about that. She asks me if it makes me feel better to yell at her - I tell her it does. She's pissed about that. I tell her I hate her (and some days I do). I am angry because I don't understand ... I never will. But I'm PISSED that I don't understand. I'm hurt, and part of me is angry that I can never hurt her the way she has hurt me. I'm angry that I'm the one that has to feel this way.
I'm angry that she tells me our marriage wasn't good. I'm angry that I failed to see any of this coming. I'm angry that she didn't just leave but also had to find someone else - which she knew would hurt me even more. I'm angry that she didn't try. I'm angry that she didn't communicate. I'm angry that I blame her for everything. And all I can think about is the day I can move and get away and be in my own space. And I'm angry because that's going to be a f*cking hard day. I'm angry because of all the tears that I have cried and the tears that are yet to come. I'm angry that I'll only get to see my kids 50% of the time. I'm angry that she has forced them to have inconsistency in their lives - to always have to bounce back and forth between the two of us.
And mainly, I'm just angry that I'm not over it. That it hurts. That I have to feel this pain, yet again, and this time it's 900 times worse. I'm angry, angry, angry. I don't know if that's keeping me moving forward, or helps keep a smile on my face in times like these. I don't know if it's what prevents me from breaking down every single day, or truly going off the deep end. I just know there's a rage that bubbles deep inside of me and at times, I feel like it shoots out of my ears like in all of those comics. And I'm angry because the love of my life doesn't want to be in my life anymore.
Monday, August 17, 2015
I've been trying to sign myself up for activities and such so I'm not sitting at home moping around - even when I have the girls with me. This past weekend a friend and I headed to a food truck festival in my town, which was overwhelming but pretty neat. They had about six or seven trucks stationed in a parking lot featuring all different kinds of food. We got there pretty early and selected a truck (featuring grilled cheese!) and the line moved pretty quickly - but by the time we got ready to order we noticed all of the other trucks had tremendously long lines. So, no option of really sampling a bunch of different kinds of food. We ate our grilled cheese and cheese fries though, then headed to Walgreens and picked up a little six pack of beer (hello, high school!) and some cups and went back to the food truck festival because a band was playing that night. We just sat in the grass and talked and it was really nice just to get my mind off of things and have a good time!
Then on Saturday, I woke up early and ran a ton of errands. Hit up counseling and then went shopping for some necessities for the apartment. By the time I got back, Ex-L was headed out for the evening and didn't return home until 3 am. I tossed and turned all night until she got home. But I didn't say anything when she came in or even the next day. I can only imagine where she was or what she was doing until 3 am. But it's not my business anymore and I'm just trying to not get sucked up into something I can't change.
On Sunday I had a softball game and I was asked to bring the girls with - as everyone on the team that had kids were bringing their little ones too! It was like 90 degrees outside, but we hit up the grocery store for snacks, water and ice for our cooler and then headed out. Luckily, sunscreen, hats and a nice canopy to sit under kept the girls from over-heating or getting sunburn while I played. They had lots of fun with the other babies and meeting new people and had lots of yummy food too. They skipped their afternoon nap, though, so by the time we got back in the car around 4 pm to head back home, they both clonked out immediately. It does feel great those days when I can take them out and about with me and actually do stuff. I feel accomplished and better than sitting at home with them. And I think they enjoy getting out too.
And I think focusing on keeping myself busy, sprinkled with remembering that Ex-L treated me bad - whatever way you look at it - and I deserve to be treated better, helps keep my head above water for now. I know I can have a happy life without her, and I can be a great mom. By continuing to focus on my life, instead of hyperfocused on what she's doing and who she's doing it with is just healthier for me overall. And guess what? Only 30 days until the big move!! YESSSSS!!!
Then on Saturday, I woke up early and ran a ton of errands. Hit up counseling and then went shopping for some necessities for the apartment. By the time I got back, Ex-L was headed out for the evening and didn't return home until 3 am. I tossed and turned all night until she got home. But I didn't say anything when she came in or even the next day. I can only imagine where she was or what she was doing until 3 am. But it's not my business anymore and I'm just trying to not get sucked up into something I can't change.
On Sunday I had a softball game and I was asked to bring the girls with - as everyone on the team that had kids were bringing their little ones too! It was like 90 degrees outside, but we hit up the grocery store for snacks, water and ice for our cooler and then headed out. Luckily, sunscreen, hats and a nice canopy to sit under kept the girls from over-heating or getting sunburn while I played. They had lots of fun with the other babies and meeting new people and had lots of yummy food too. They skipped their afternoon nap, though, so by the time we got back in the car around 4 pm to head back home, they both clonked out immediately. It does feel great those days when I can take them out and about with me and actually do stuff. I feel accomplished and better than sitting at home with them. And I think they enjoy getting out too.
And I think focusing on keeping myself busy, sprinkled with remembering that Ex-L treated me bad - whatever way you look at it - and I deserve to be treated better, helps keep my head above water for now. I know I can have a happy life without her, and I can be a great mom. By continuing to focus on my life, instead of hyperfocused on what she's doing and who she's doing it with is just healthier for me overall. And guess what? Only 30 days until the big move!! YESSSSS!!!
Monday, August 10, 2015
Actually, I don't care, so don't answer that question. But in case you were wondering - the answer is 'yes.' I've played the victim and have allowed myself to continue to wallow in my own self-pity and ride the victim train until I can no longer see straight. The sick thing is that I'm aware of that. And, I'm allowing myself to self-pity at least until I can move and be on my own (and even then I may continue to whine a bit longer - because, life). So, hang in there folks.
Sometimes I am talking to someone and I hear myself. Have you ever done that? Really listened to yourself talk? It's not very often that we do. But lately, I'm super aware of the messages that come out of my mouth and what I've been communicating to (quite a few) people. Word vomit, my friends. It's alive and well. Honestly, there are times where I internally eye-roll myself. "Get over it already - grow a pair!" "Quit whining!" But the thing is - I can't. This is my story and my feelings and it's sometimes great to get it all out there. Every crazy theory I have or every time I super sad - unfortunately, some people have just been my life line. And it's good to know when I'm going through a sh*t time, that I'm not alone out there - someone actually does care for me! Or at least finds entertainment in my situation. Either one I'm ok with.
If you were to tell your story today - what would it say? Would people want to listen? Is it worth changing up that story if we're not having a particularly good day, week, month ... year? Should we cater to what people think they want to hear?
Sometimes I am talking to someone and I hear myself. Have you ever done that? Really listened to yourself talk? It's not very often that we do. But lately, I'm super aware of the messages that come out of my mouth and what I've been communicating to (quite a few) people. Word vomit, my friends. It's alive and well. Honestly, there are times where I internally eye-roll myself. "Get over it already - grow a pair!" "Quit whining!" But the thing is - I can't. This is my story and my feelings and it's sometimes great to get it all out there. Every crazy theory I have or every time I super sad - unfortunately, some people have just been my life line. And it's good to know when I'm going through a sh*t time, that I'm not alone out there - someone actually does care for me! Or at least finds entertainment in my situation. Either one I'm ok with.
If you were to tell your story today - what would it say? Would people want to listen? Is it worth changing up that story if we're not having a particularly good day, week, month ... year? Should we cater to what people think they want to hear?
Saturday, August 8, 2015
Sometimes I'm still caught up in some of the lies that are spewed at me. Once I catch a whiff, I'm on the hunt to decipher and figure out the lie in it's completeness. Mostly, I come up with what I think the lie is - because I'll never know 100%. But I'm stuck in trying to figure it out and then am shatter and hurt all over again once I feel that I cracked the case.
Something I'm trying hard to remember is that Ex-L owes me nothing. And she hasn't been telling the truth to me for months, so why start now? She's choosing to continue with constant lies and live her life like that. I need to remember to not get tangled up in them with her and to shift my focus to other, more productive (read: less crazy) things. It doesn't matter where she's at, who she's with, etc. It only matters who is watching the girls. Period. And by continuing to try to figure out what the hell she's up to (even if it's super sneaky) I'm just wasting time and energy that I could be putting into something else to make myself better.
So - something to think about when you find yourself stuck in the weeds ... and this goes for any area of your life. If it's not productive for you and will only hurt you or waste your time or energy - then shift your focus somewhere else. Find something that gives you life and passion. Find something/someone that's actually worthy of that time and energy. We can do this, people!
Something I'm trying hard to remember is that Ex-L owes me nothing. And she hasn't been telling the truth to me for months, so why start now? She's choosing to continue with constant lies and live her life like that. I need to remember to not get tangled up in them with her and to shift my focus to other, more productive (read: less crazy) things. It doesn't matter where she's at, who she's with, etc. It only matters who is watching the girls. Period. And by continuing to try to figure out what the hell she's up to (even if it's super sneaky) I'm just wasting time and energy that I could be putting into something else to make myself better.
So - something to think about when you find yourself stuck in the weeds ... and this goes for any area of your life. If it's not productive for you and will only hurt you or waste your time or energy - then shift your focus somewhere else. Find something that gives you life and passion. Find something/someone that's actually worthy of that time and energy. We can do this, people!
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