I had counseling earlier this week. Amidst my tears, I realized that the reason Ex-L and I butt heads so much is because for me it's easier to be angry and engage with her that way - its just easier to be mad at her. To have her shut down and not want to speak to me. Otherwise, creeping thoughts of "what if..." and "just maybe..." edge into my brain. And, after everything - that's not what is best for me. It shouldn't be an option. And, it's more painful to sit in the sadness then to ride out the rage.

I mentioned this to her this morning. We both had tears streaming down her face. She texted me later to say that I was right - she felt the same way. That she was so angry with me for so long that she hasn't allowed herself to be sad ... but the closer we get to "moving day" the more it's coming out for her. Her sadness.

And when she says stuff like that, it's like the person I married returns to me briefly. That I can see her, and I feel that love I have/had. For a moment, it's like the nightmare never happened. But a reality check - like an email from your new rental company reminding you of payments and renter's insurance proofs, or your attorney asking for a clarification of address as she completes your prove up, or even just the change you've already made externally on your Facebook page, allows it all to come slamming right into your back. She checked out. She cheated. She asked for a divorce. She didn't even try. The person I love is gone.

I think it's ok to still love her. I'm trying to figure out how to not stay wrapped in that love. To learn to lean on myself. To not let her decisions and what she does in her life debilitate mine. If you have any tips - I'd love to hear them.

The Filing

I filed earlier this week - well, my attorney did. But it feels odd to see that email appear in my inbox of the scanned paperwork all stamped up ... that it's a recorded act and the beginning of the end of our legal marriage. I was trembling a bit that day - and it unleashed some [read: a lot] of anger towards her. It was a rough day.

My attorney is working on the prove up that we hand to the judge with our agreements. Custody arrangements, financial stuff, etc. Then we will get assigned a court date and hopefully only have to make one appearance. Then we'll be legally divorced. Nothing [minus the girls] will tie our lives together. She will no longer be my wife and vice versa. I'm honestly dreading that day.

Running Against Time

I wish there was a set time period of getting over someone or moving through a divorce. There are many, many days when I can't honestly see the other side of this tunnel I'm trapped in. I know others have made it out - have built new lives, met new loves, have smiled again. I want to fast-forward through all of the pain and get to that point. This crap I'm in is a total rollercoaster. And, no matter how much I try to tell myself I'm tired of being sorry for myself, for being the victim, for loving someone incapable of loving me - my heart tugs me right back into that sad, dark, corner of my mind. I know then that I'm no way near through anything ... I have a long journey still ahead.

Many times during the day I feel like I could just burst into tears. My energy is completely zapped. I want to lay in bed, cry and feel sorry for myself. Hey - it's just what I want to do.

Days flitter across my face and for a moment I can barely forget what has happened. I still feel a surge of love for her hit my heart. But just as soon as I feel that, something else will dash across my mind ... it could be a visual of what I walked in on ... it could be a flash of the text message I found, "You know I love you," it could be her cold eyes glaring at me in our most heated arguments - the love of my life telling me to leave her the f*ck alone and only speak to her about the divorce or the children. That she's tired of re-hashing what's happened 80 times a day. The audacity. And my fragile heart shatters all over again.

Her favorite sayings as of late are, "You have everything all figured out, don't you?" or "You've just pieced it all together, haven't you?" The truth is I still feel like I know nothing and am forced to make sense of a terrible situation because I've been given no explanation. I'm told I've been given an explanation that I choose not to accept. That I have had a part in the demise of our marriage too. That I haven't handled the end of our marriage with class or respect. You read that correct - I was lied to and cheated on but I was expected to suck it up and exit with "class and respect." That makes me want to vomit.

"You do realize this all happened over two months ago, right?" That was the newest one. Like I was supposed to be over 8 years of my life with someone in two months. That was enough time to bottle it up and move on - peacefully. Even though I was the one blindsided by this and she had a year [apparently] to figure out her feelings - all while in the comfort of a marriage. I have to battle through my feelings with zero sense of security from the person I loved.

Am I still in love? Am I merely obsessed and frantic? Am I desperate to be loved and mixing that up with feelings of real love? Does your love end when theirs does? When you have experienced deep pain? What happens to that love? I think it transform to anger. And if we can't forgive [I'm not there yet, either] we live with that anger in our hearts - it'll hold us back from ever trusting another person again.

One of her relatives reached out to me on Facebook. She sent a message of hope for me - that she's sad that we're all going through this. That she's prayed for us. That when her husband left her and her two daughters, that her girls became her life - and that she learned to believe that God had a bigger, better plan for her. It was a long time coming but she made it through and has since re-married and lives a very happy life. Her daughters are now grown. She feels that there's a better plan out there for me too - regardless if I believe in God or not. She believes that He has something else in store for me. That warms my heart, to know that her faith brings a message of hope to her for me. That she has been through this dark part of her own life and has made it to other side. That her daughters have found strength in her. And, that she has found love again.

Married to a Narcissist?

I had a great Labor Day weekend - spent a day boating with friends in Michigan, another day catching up with another good friend and then did some retail therapy and worked on getting ready to move. The goal was to keep myself busy because Ex-L took the girls out of town for the weekend. It was weird not having them at home at night ... and being away from them that long. Monday morning was a little rough for me but I was able to drag myself out of it.

I've been doing a ton of ready on co-dependency and narcissism in relationships. I find a ton of similarities in my marriage, and am starting to realize how manipulated I was (and still am) and how this all was inevitable. I'm also trying to pull myself out of the victimization I feel - I need to get strong but I do feel like "why me?" a lot. That's the perfect spot for a narcissist to have you pushed down to. It's also hard to know the person that you loved could/would do all of this - and in the end not really love you anyways. Or maybe they loved you but not in the way you need them to. Not in a way that is healthy. And especially since this is has been a pattern in our relationship, this would happen to me over and over in our relationship. I'll never be "enough" for her. And that's not something that's my fault or that I can control. No one will ever be "enough" for her.

As a codependent, I have a LOT of work to do internally. My self-confidence is gone, my personal self-worth is out the door, my faith in the future is diminished. I'm at a low-point, and I'll never be able to attract all of the good things I want in my life if I can't mirror the good that's already inside of me. I have a lot of work to do to pull her back out. And I'm working on what that looks like - right now I'm just trying to stay busy. Filling up my calendar, connecting with old friends, doing stuff I've never done before. It's not really "fulfilling" stuff as it is "busy" stuff.

To say I'm terrified of life without Ex-L is an understatement. That's part of the co-dependency ... not having faith in myself to provide for myself and be by myself and be ok without her. All stuff that is untrue - I can provide for myself (heck, I provided for our whole family for a long time!), I'm totally ok being by myself and being single, and I'll absolutely be ok without her - I've actually done it before. But I still have that twinge of doubt and that's because I lack self-confidence in myself. I need to learn to be my biggest cheerleader. I'm working on that. I'm sad for myself a lot - sad that I don't have that internal "I'm better than this!" attitude. Sad that I need someone else to validate my self-worth. Sad that I'm not confident in who I am.

I also have a lot of anger, though. I mean - Ex-L left me when I was at my lowest point. My self-esteem was garbage because I was post-partum and alone A LOT. I was isolated and felt just drained. I had no time or motivation to work on myself. And I only had her and myself to lean on. And instead of supporting me or helping me out of that dark hole, she left me. She cheated on me. She gave up on me and left me in that dark place. Who does that? See - and the anger rises up. Ugh!

Happy Family Photos

Our last family photo was taken on Mother's Day - our first Mother's Day. We sat on our couch and each propped a baby on our lap and smiled for a camera with a timer on it. I look at that picture now and wonder why I didn't see the sadness or unhappiness in Ex-L's eyes. Why I thought we didn't have problems that could be solved. Why she had started having an emotional affair on me at that point - and how I was so unaware of what was going on.

Our next family photos are a professional session I have scheduled in October. It'll be mainly just for updated pictures of the girls - but of course I'm going to get some shots of just me and them. It'll be photos from our little lady family. But even if they do not have two parents together in their family photos, I still want them to have memories to look back on. I'm afraid that through the divorce and through re-discovering myself we (or I) will forget to document their little lives that are rapidly blooming. I don't want them to wonder what happened to them during this time in our lives and ask "Why are there no memories or photos of us?" when thinking back to the year that mommy and mama split.

So, part of me is looking forward to updating our family photos for when we move into my new place. It'll be a home that is adorned with photos of me and the two most important ladies in my life. And it will be filled with memories (happy memories) of our lives together. They deserve that.

Skin Crawl

Part of what breaks my heart is thinking of all of the things the person I loved did during the end/fall out of our marriage. It makes my skin crawl to think that someone I trusted and cared about could do these things. For example - texting the other woman constantly on my actual birthday but barely saying anything to me on my day except for a quick "Happy Birthday". I even just received a card and a thrown-together gift. Contacting the other woman on our anniversary (around the time when their relationship got sexual), even though I made a nice dinner. Bringing her into our home on multiple occasions while our children were home - to do god only knows what.

Finding our bed-sheets changed (although she adamantly denies they had sex) on the day I found out she was in my home - the day after I begged Ex-L not to bring her into our home and the day before I found them fooling around in our living room. Finding empty Starbuck's cups with the other woman's name on it hidden in our trash can (which wasn't there earlier so they were stashed and then tossed when I wasn't looking). Finding a receipt for a "love card" and bouquet of flowers (even though Ex-L says they were for a co-worker's mother's birthday).

How can I care about someone that has blatantly not cared about me? How can I care about someone that would disrespect me so gravely and then wonder why I do not believe one word she says? It makes my skin crawl to know that this person would shatter our marriage like this - even if she felt it wasn't working. That's not the way you get out. And to know that she will be around our children, and have whatever/whoever she will have around our children makes me sick inside.

Who has the ability to be so deceitful? And what kind of sick person still mourns that relationship in their life?

Trapped

Sometimes I feel trapped in my own mind. I'll be fine one minute and then doing something completely crazy and obsessive the next. The heart apparently has no shame when it's broken. I just don't feel like myself. I feel trapped in feeling like crap. I feel sad that I'm so dependent on the love of someone else to validate my worth. My counselor mentioned codependency and suggested I read up on it. She recommended a book called Codependent: No More that I downloaded to my Kindle yesterday and am already 22% of the way through (isn't it funny that because of ereaders it's measured in percentage and not pages). 

The book focuses on the partners of alcoholics aka codependents. People that have had mental and emotional implications from living with and loving someone that's been an alcoholic. The unique thing is that codependents go through their experience sober. So it has long-term effects just as much as alcoholism has on the alcoholic. A person can also be codependent stemming from other traumas, and even parental relationships. Part of the reason why I'm so desperate for Ex-L to love me and put all of my worth in her hands stems from the relationship I had with my mother growing up. When I was 5 she handed me over to my dad because she wanted more of a social life and couldn't care for me the way my dad and his parents could. I saw her only on weekends and even then she passed me over for her second ex-husband. I was never good enough for her. The last time I told her I loved her was when I was 6. We've had a strained relationship ever since. I feel like I barely know her. 

And so I know I search for that love from relationships, and I take break-ups especially hard because I feel like it's that mother-rejection all over again. I'm not good enough, I'm not worthy, I'm not loveable. And although that's all not true - it's so hard-wired in my head that it's hard to get past those thoughts. They well up deep within me. It sometimes feels like my life is ruined or that I'll never find love again - that my future is over because this one person cannot/does not love me any more. I know it's ridiculous. I went through a super hard break up before and found Ex-L a few years after - so I know it's all possible. But I'm also terrified to be caught in another relationship that's toxic like this one. At least I know what to expect being with her.

And then part of me is just sad. Sad at this is what my life is and that the happy future that I pictured with her and our children will not happen - at least not together. And that makes me angry. If anyone has advice on when this will start to subside - I'd love to hear it. I worry that this panic and this feeling will last forever.