I wish there was a set time period of getting over someone or moving through a divorce. There are many, many days when I can't honestly see the other side of this tunnel I'm trapped in. I know others have made it out - have built new lives, met new loves, have smiled again. I want to fast-forward through all of the pain and get to that point. This crap I'm in is a total rollercoaster. And, no matter how much I try to tell myself I'm tired of being sorry for myself, for being the victim, for loving someone incapable of loving me - my heart tugs me right back into that sad, dark, corner of my mind. I know then that I'm no way near through anything ... I have a long journey still ahead.

Many times during the day I feel like I could just burst into tears. My energy is completely zapped. I want to lay in bed, cry and feel sorry for myself. Hey - it's just what I want to do.

Days flitter across my face and for a moment I can barely forget what has happened. I still feel a surge of love for her hit my heart. But just as soon as I feel that, something else will dash across my mind ... it could be a visual of what I walked in on ... it could be a flash of the text message I found, "You know I love you," it could be her cold eyes glaring at me in our most heated arguments - the love of my life telling me to leave her the f*ck alone and only speak to her about the divorce or the children. That she's tired of re-hashing what's happened 80 times a day. The audacity. And my fragile heart shatters all over again.

Her favorite sayings as of late are, "You have everything all figured out, don't you?" or "You've just pieced it all together, haven't you?" The truth is I still feel like I know nothing and am forced to make sense of a terrible situation because I've been given no explanation. I'm told I've been given an explanation that I choose not to accept. That I have had a part in the demise of our marriage too. That I haven't handled the end of our marriage with class or respect. You read that correct - I was lied to and cheated on but I was expected to suck it up and exit with "class and respect." That makes me want to vomit.

"You do realize this all happened over two months ago, right?" That was the newest one. Like I was supposed to be over 8 years of my life with someone in two months. That was enough time to bottle it up and move on - peacefully. Even though I was the one blindsided by this and she had a year [apparently] to figure out her feelings - all while in the comfort of a marriage. I have to battle through my feelings with zero sense of security from the person I loved.

Am I still in love? Am I merely obsessed and frantic? Am I desperate to be loved and mixing that up with feelings of real love? Does your love end when theirs does? When you have experienced deep pain? What happens to that love? I think it transform to anger. And if we can't forgive [I'm not there yet, either] we live with that anger in our hearts - it'll hold us back from ever trusting another person again.

One of her relatives reached out to me on Facebook. She sent a message of hope for me - that she's sad that we're all going through this. That she's prayed for us. That when her husband left her and her two daughters, that her girls became her life - and that she learned to believe that God had a bigger, better plan for her. It was a long time coming but she made it through and has since re-married and lives a very happy life. Her daughters are now grown. She feels that there's a better plan out there for me too - regardless if I believe in God or not. She believes that He has something else in store for me. That warms my heart, to know that her faith brings a message of hope to her for me. That she has been through this dark part of her own life and has made it to other side. That her daughters have found strength in her. And, that she has found love again.

You Oughta Know

Did you know that Alanis Morrissette's song "You Oughta Know" is about her ex Dave Coulier? Like, straight from Full House, Uncle Joey - Dave Coulier? He straight broke her heart and then she lit him up lyrically.

It's such a raw song, though and full of that angry rage that you get when going through a break up. Empty promises, and the realization that the person that broke your heart is now with someone new. "I'm here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away ..." Seriously - she's like you can't just walk away from this because it meant something to me and you made a mess of it all. PREACH GURLFRAND. Not gonna lie - this is like my break up anthem right now. AHHHH!

When you're in that dark place and looking for some "oomph" to get that girl-angst going, I have some inspirational resources. Hope they work for you, because sometimes you need a healthy way to get that angery out (read: singing an angry song at the top of your lungs or repeating an awesome empowering mantra to get your head right). Do you!

Article: Fool Me Once - Hot damn this article will get your blood boiling and put you in the "I DESERVE BETTER DAMNIT" camp immediately! It's basically - "you're an asshole and a terrible person and I deserve better." It'll get you feeling that you deserve better - even when you're not sure what that looks like.

Blog: Lessons from the End of a Marriage - Tons of articles that may or may not pertain to you and what you're going through. Isn't it nice to know that someone understands that hot mess of a rollercoaster you're riding right now AND has advice about some of it. Eat this sh*t up, people! I like this article ... it has some great advice on moving forward.

Song: Hold On - Because after you're done screaming at the top of your lungs with Alanis, you need an empowering 'moving on' song. Something that motivates you to be the best you, you can be! Wilson Phillips has this power, ya'll. Use their mystic powers to your advantage!


Blog: Ms. Single Mama - She's since re-married and bounced back from her divorce, but she has an archive of awesome and empowering videos for the single moms out there going through divorce. From dating advice, to even just emotional stuff and getting on with your life - plus, she's on the other side! You can read about her journey from start to finish and know that it can get better for you too! You can also find love again!

Writing: Enough - One of the first (and best) pieces of writing about divorce that captured how I truly felt. Finding Ex-L with another woman took a huge blow to my self-esteem. I felt like a loser. I felt I wasn't good enough. And this women went through something very similar. But it's not about the person your spouse cheated on you with. It's not that they are better or prettier or smarter. “Whatever issues that other person has, they have no bearing on your own validity. You eventually just realize it’s not all about you.” You shouldn't have to question or self-worth, because 99% of the time it isn't even about you or what you're lacking. What caused them to cheat, is not your fault. And what caused them to pick that person isn't because that person is perfect in ways you are not. It has to do with their own internal struggle - their own issues. 

Instagram - Carrie Grace Shop - Carrie Grace is an encourager. I have been a follower of her IG feed for a while but recently began just absolutely devouring it. Carrie likes to motivate people and tell everyone how great they are - even when (especially when) they're going through a difficult time. She was my saving grace that first week after I found Ex-L with someone else. She reminds you to keep going, to spread happiness and joy whereever you go, that you have value and worth. She also sends out weekly emails on Wednesday to share a snippet of her life and provide some mid-week encouragement. She's awesome and happy. Awesome and happy people are what you need in your life - even virtually. 

I Survived

She went out the other night - with co-workers, and one of those co-workers is the woman I caught her in my home with. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to handle it ... that I'd be caught up in the "what ifs" of the night. That I'd be upset. But I survived. Not to say this is monumental or that I won't have a freak out moment at some time in the future - but I am proud of myself for not allowing her night out overtake my night in. Or my sanity, for that matter. What miracle within me occurred to silence the crazy? I just didn't think about it. Anytime I found my thoughts going to "I wonder what she's doing, I bet they're kissing ... they're probably start talking again," I shut them down as soon as they came in. Because like I said before - it all no longer matters.

I'm trying to get to a point where I accept that we no longer have a relationship or a marriage. I think it's ok to mourn the end of our marriage and to mourn the dreams we had that are no longer able to come to fruition but I think it's bad to stay in that place. Right now, my life is not tied to that marriage. My life consists of me being a single mom of two beautiful little girls - and a wide open future. Now that's something to focus on. And whomever Ex-L decides to sleep with or date really has no physical impact on my life ... and it only hurts as much as I let it. Not to say it won't be painful when it really happens, but the more I focus on the "what ifs" the more I'm absent from my present life.

Although I've floundered at this statement before, "I do deserve better." I deserve to treat myself better, and to build a better life for myself and my girls. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to enjoy the short time I have on this Earth. And that's all stuff that's better.

It'll Just Be Something You Did ...

Since people have found out that I'm going through a divorce, I've received a ton of advice and snippets of "hope". Little nuggets aimed at helping me feel better. And it's interesting because at this point - not much really helps but I know in the long run that ALL of these people are right. I'm just not in the place to actually feel their revelations yet.

I've heard a lot about time healing wounds, and that this journey I'm on - the farther away I get from it - the less it'll hurt my heart. "It'll just be something you did once ..." It's funny because I know they're right. I've gone through a really bad break-up before (bad for me and not a divorce) and at that time I thought I couldn't live without the other person ... let's just say when I fall, I fall hard. But after I picked up the pieces, and focused on myself ... after time I was able to get over that person and that relationship and move on. It took a while but today, when I think of that person, I think of a friendship and there are no loving/romantic feelings at all. That was something I couldn't fathom to be possible at the time. There was no way I'd ever not love that person! But I was wrong, and I was able to move on. So I know that although it will take time and a lot of pain on my heart - that this will be something similar ... eventually.

Another phrase I hear a lot is "You deserve better." And that's a phrase that I feel guilty for acknowledging. This was someone that I loved, that I married, that I poured my heart and soul into. I never felt like she wasn't good enough for me. But when I think "you deserve better," I feel that's telling myself that she's not worthy of my love. And, after everything she might not be. And the smart part of me knows that I do deserve someone that will treat me better and love me the way that I deserve to be loved. That will fight for me and communicate with me. But, is that a "deserving" feeling? I'm not sure.

"You need to let go." Let go of the person, the marriage, the past. My heart is hanging on super tight. So tight that many times I feel like I can't breathe because all of my energy is thrust into emotionally hanging on. I want to let go. I want to shut my feelings off and just move on. But it's just not that easy. I don't even know how to "let go." How do you do that?

And one of my faves - "You need to focus on you, now." Focus. That's the word that I have trouble with. Because with everything swirling around in my life - my marriage ending, preparing to move, my kids, etc. it's hard to focus on myself at the given moment. There are so many other things that demand my attention. Or, maybe that I willingly hand over my attention to. For a long time I was in a partnership where we were navigating the waters together. We had a plan and we were on that plan together. Now, I have to shift gears massively and figure out what I want to do with my life. That's a big task. Where do you even begin?

Inspiration

Here are some inspiring quotes to get you through your day ... I know they have helped me. And some of them I repeat to myself on the regular.