I wish there was a set time period of getting over someone or moving through a divorce. There are many, many days when I can't honestly see the other side of this tunnel I'm trapped in. I know others have made it out - have built new lives, met new loves, have smiled again. I want to fast-forward through all of the pain and get to that point. This crap I'm in is a total rollercoaster. And, no matter how much I try to tell myself I'm tired of being sorry for myself, for being the victim, for loving someone incapable of loving me - my heart tugs me right back into that sad, dark, corner of my mind. I know then that I'm no way near through anything ... I have a long journey still ahead.

Many times during the day I feel like I could just burst into tears. My energy is completely zapped. I want to lay in bed, cry and feel sorry for myself. Hey - it's just what I want to do.

Days flitter across my face and for a moment I can barely forget what has happened. I still feel a surge of love for her hit my heart. But just as soon as I feel that, something else will dash across my mind ... it could be a visual of what I walked in on ... it could be a flash of the text message I found, "You know I love you," it could be her cold eyes glaring at me in our most heated arguments - the love of my life telling me to leave her the f*ck alone and only speak to her about the divorce or the children. That she's tired of re-hashing what's happened 80 times a day. The audacity. And my fragile heart shatters all over again.

Her favorite sayings as of late are, "You have everything all figured out, don't you?" or "You've just pieced it all together, haven't you?" The truth is I still feel like I know nothing and am forced to make sense of a terrible situation because I've been given no explanation. I'm told I've been given an explanation that I choose not to accept. That I have had a part in the demise of our marriage too. That I haven't handled the end of our marriage with class or respect. You read that correct - I was lied to and cheated on but I was expected to suck it up and exit with "class and respect." That makes me want to vomit.

"You do realize this all happened over two months ago, right?" That was the newest one. Like I was supposed to be over 8 years of my life with someone in two months. That was enough time to bottle it up and move on - peacefully. Even though I was the one blindsided by this and she had a year [apparently] to figure out her feelings - all while in the comfort of a marriage. I have to battle through my feelings with zero sense of security from the person I loved.

Am I still in love? Am I merely obsessed and frantic? Am I desperate to be loved and mixing that up with feelings of real love? Does your love end when theirs does? When you have experienced deep pain? What happens to that love? I think it transform to anger. And if we can't forgive [I'm not there yet, either] we live with that anger in our hearts - it'll hold us back from ever trusting another person again.

One of her relatives reached out to me on Facebook. She sent a message of hope for me - that she's sad that we're all going through this. That she's prayed for us. That when her husband left her and her two daughters, that her girls became her life - and that she learned to believe that God had a bigger, better plan for her. It was a long time coming but she made it through and has since re-married and lives a very happy life. Her daughters are now grown. She feels that there's a better plan out there for me too - regardless if I believe in God or not. She believes that He has something else in store for me. That warms my heart, to know that her faith brings a message of hope to her for me. That she has been through this dark part of her own life and has made it to other side. That her daughters have found strength in her. And, that she has found love again.

Who's Crazy?

I'm still wrapped up in the "craziness" of the break-up. Sometimes I'm super calm and other times I'm completely off my rocker. Like rifling through the garbage looking for "clues" that Ex-L was with the woman she cheated on me with. Who does that? You ever sit back and go "This isn't me?" I'm like that all of the time lately. I feel like the life has been sucked out of me - that who "me" is isn't here. I'm not really sure where she went or if I can ever get my true self back. Maybe I'll just have a new self.

Everyone tells me none of it matters. If Ex-L is still seeing that other woman or telling her she loves her or whatever - it doesn't matter. She and I are over. So what's the point of continuing to just hurt myself over and over by little discoveries? But I think toxic relationships like this one are like a drug - and the pain is addicting. The problem is that I am still working through all of the pain and every time I inflict new pain on my heart, it's like getting a fix. It's weird - I know. It all hurts like crazy but I feel like I'm still waiting for that "A-ha!" moment where I'm like "f*ck her! I'm over it!" and start super focusing on my new life. I'm not there, yet.

Last night before my counseling appointment I went to eat by myself. I have no problems doing things by myself or eating by myself. I think all of those times traveling for work and trying to navigate new states, cities, etc by myself have gotten me used to sitting in a Sizzler sans a dinner date. (sidebar: I only went to Sizzler once - it's a bucket list check off!) But as I left Corner Bakery and headed to my counseling appointment, it was starting to get dark outside and I drive by houses that had their lights on. It hit me then. It hit me that soon, I'll be returning to a home where no one else lives (when I don't have the girls). I won't have Ex-L to return home to. We won't be building a home together any more (not like we are currently, but you know ...). I pictured myself sitting on my couch at night with the lights on in an apartment. It made me super sad. We were supposed to be trying for another baby this winter and looking to buy a house next year. Now I'll be by myself in a rented apartment, seemingly starting from scratch.

Instead of being a happy family unit, I'll be making memories and traditions with my girls alone. Then, they'll go to their other mom and participate in her traditions and build memories with her separate from me. I think this was the first time that it all just sunk in for me. That there's a definite ending to all of this and the limbo that I begged to be over, will in fact be over soon. I will be forced to live alone. I will be sharing my children with another person. I will have to start dating some day (not like any day soon and I can surely never date again ... but ya know). And it's all new and it's all terrifying - to let go of the life you thought you were building and the future you envisioned for yourself. You have to start to let that go and realize that it's not going to happen quite like that anymore.

I'm hoping the crazy moments start to subside a bit. I hate that there's no hard-deadline for the feelings to fade or to start feeling better. To start feeling a bit more hopeful for my future. I'm exhausted just thinking about all of the work I need to do internally. Blah!

Angry Bird

I'm a raging b*tch lately. I'm pretty unapologetic about it too. That really doesn't help anything on the homefront. Every time I think about Ex-L my blood boils. Every lie (real and imagined) I turn over in my mind. Every time I just merely *think* about her actions, I want to scream at the top of my lungs. And, that makes me very pleasant for her to be around.

She tells me she avoids me now because she doesn't want to argue. I'm pissed about that. She asks me if it makes me feel better to yell at her - I tell her it does. She's pissed about that. I tell her I hate her (and some days I do). I am angry because I don't understand ... I never will. But I'm PISSED that I don't understand. I'm hurt, and part of me is angry that I can never hurt her the way she has hurt me. I'm angry that I'm the one that has to feel this way. 

I'm angry that she tells me our marriage wasn't good. I'm angry that I failed to see any of this coming. I'm angry that she didn't just leave but also had to find someone else - which she knew would hurt me even more. I'm angry that she didn't try. I'm angry that she didn't communicate. I'm angry that I blame her for everything. And all I can think about is the day I can move and get away and be in my own space. And I'm angry because that's going to be a f*cking hard day. I'm angry because of all the tears that I have cried and the tears that are yet to come. I'm angry that I'll only get to see my kids 50% of the time. I'm angry that she has forced them to have inconsistency in their lives - to always have to bounce back and forth between the two of us. 

And mainly, I'm just angry that I'm not over it. That it hurts. That I have to feel this pain, yet again, and this time it's 900 times worse. I'm angry, angry, angry. I don't know if that's keeping me moving forward, or helps keep a smile on my face in times like these. I don't know if it's what prevents me from breaking down every single day, or truly going off the deep end. I just know there's a rage that bubbles deep inside of me and at times, I feel like it shoots out of my ears like in all of those comics. And I'm angry because the love of my life doesn't want to be in my life anymore. 

You Know I Love You

"You know I love you" ... that term holds such strong meaning for me. It's the statement I found on Ex-L's phone in a text message exchange between her and the woman she cheated on me with. It's the term that resounds in my head over and over whenever I think about what she did. It's a term that snaps me back into remembering how I deserve better.

Sometimes I laugh. I laugh because she was supposed to love me. She vowed to love me. She told me many times over how much she loved me - how happy I made her, how I was the love of her life. At our wedding, she told me (in her vows) how she has never loved anyone as much as she has loved me. And then I found myself staring at a screen where she was telling some crinkly-haired woman whom I've never heard of that she loved her ... that she "knew" she loved her ... meaning it wasn't the first time those words were uttered. I feel sorry for that girl. I was that girl.

"You know I love you" gives the power back. It tells me she's a joke. She doesn't know what love is. She's incapable of love. She spits those words out so freely ... and instead of fostering the love of her wife and family, she gives that love freely away to anyone that gives her attention or feeds her ego. That isn't love. That's selfishness.

Today, she was prepping before work and the girls were a little in her way in the kitchen. She tried to give a light and airy voice to them - to encourage them back to me and away from the kitchen. At one point though, her frustration surfaced as she carried a girl back out. All I could think of was how lucky I am to not have to live with that constant frustration and tension in my life. I don't have to worry about what will upset her or what will set her off. I am not on a constant mission to please her - to feel bad about myself when I "fail". That can be someone else's issue.

New Experiences aka Keeping Busy

I've been trying to sign myself up for activities and such so I'm not sitting at home moping around - even when I have the girls with me. This past weekend a friend and I headed to a food truck festival in my town, which was overwhelming but pretty neat. They had about six or seven trucks stationed in a parking lot featuring all different kinds of food. We got there pretty early and selected a truck (featuring grilled cheese!) and the line moved pretty quickly - but by the time we got ready to order we noticed all of the other trucks had tremendously long lines. So, no option of really sampling a bunch of different kinds of food. We ate our grilled cheese and cheese fries though, then headed to Walgreens and picked up a little six pack of beer (hello, high school!) and some cups and went back to the food truck festival because a band was playing that night. We just sat in the grass and talked and it was really nice just to get my mind off of things and have a good time!

Then on Saturday, I woke up early and ran a ton of errands. Hit up counseling and then went shopping for some necessities for the apartment. By the time I got back, Ex-L was headed out for the evening and didn't return home until 3 am. I tossed and turned all night until she got home. But I didn't say anything when she came in or even the next day. I can only imagine where she was or what she was doing until 3 am. But it's not my business anymore and I'm just trying to not get sucked up into something I can't change.

On Sunday I had a softball game and I was asked to bring the girls with - as everyone on the team that had kids were bringing their little ones too! It was like 90 degrees outside, but we hit up the grocery store for snacks, water and ice for our cooler and then headed out. Luckily, sunscreen, hats and a nice canopy to sit under kept the girls from over-heating or getting sunburn while I played. They had lots of fun with the other babies and meeting new people and had lots of yummy food too. They skipped their afternoon nap, though, so by the time we got back in the car around 4 pm to head back home, they both clonked out immediately. It does feel great those days when I can take them out and about with me and actually do stuff. I feel accomplished and better than sitting at home with them. And I think they enjoy getting out too.

And I think focusing on keeping myself busy, sprinkled with remembering that Ex-L treated me bad - whatever way you look at it - and I deserve to be treated better, helps keep my head above water for now. I know I can have a happy life without her, and I can be a great mom. By continuing to focus on my life, instead of hyperfocused on what she's doing and who she's doing it with is just healthier for me overall. And guess what? Only 30 days until the big move!! YESSSSS!!!

You Oughta Know

Did you know that Alanis Morrissette's song "You Oughta Know" is about her ex Dave Coulier? Like, straight from Full House, Uncle Joey - Dave Coulier? He straight broke her heart and then she lit him up lyrically.

It's such a raw song, though and full of that angry rage that you get when going through a break up. Empty promises, and the realization that the person that broke your heart is now with someone new. "I'm here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away ..." Seriously - she's like you can't just walk away from this because it meant something to me and you made a mess of it all. PREACH GURLFRAND. Not gonna lie - this is like my break up anthem right now. AHHHH!

When you're in that dark place and looking for some "oomph" to get that girl-angst going, I have some inspirational resources. Hope they work for you, because sometimes you need a healthy way to get that angery out (read: singing an angry song at the top of your lungs or repeating an awesome empowering mantra to get your head right). Do you!

Article: Fool Me Once - Hot damn this article will get your blood boiling and put you in the "I DESERVE BETTER DAMNIT" camp immediately! It's basically - "you're an asshole and a terrible person and I deserve better." It'll get you feeling that you deserve better - even when you're not sure what that looks like.

Blog: Lessons from the End of a Marriage - Tons of articles that may or may not pertain to you and what you're going through. Isn't it nice to know that someone understands that hot mess of a rollercoaster you're riding right now AND has advice about some of it. Eat this sh*t up, people! I like this article ... it has some great advice on moving forward.

Song: Hold On - Because after you're done screaming at the top of your lungs with Alanis, you need an empowering 'moving on' song. Something that motivates you to be the best you, you can be! Wilson Phillips has this power, ya'll. Use their mystic powers to your advantage!


Blog: Ms. Single Mama - She's since re-married and bounced back from her divorce, but she has an archive of awesome and empowering videos for the single moms out there going through divorce. From dating advice, to even just emotional stuff and getting on with your life - plus, she's on the other side! You can read about her journey from start to finish and know that it can get better for you too! You can also find love again!

Writing: Enough - One of the first (and best) pieces of writing about divorce that captured how I truly felt. Finding Ex-L with another woman took a huge blow to my self-esteem. I felt like a loser. I felt I wasn't good enough. And this women went through something very similar. But it's not about the person your spouse cheated on you with. It's not that they are better or prettier or smarter. “Whatever issues that other person has, they have no bearing on your own validity. You eventually just realize it’s not all about you.” You shouldn't have to question or self-worth, because 99% of the time it isn't even about you or what you're lacking. What caused them to cheat, is not your fault. And what caused them to pick that person isn't because that person is perfect in ways you are not. It has to do with their own internal struggle - their own issues. 

Instagram - Carrie Grace Shop - Carrie Grace is an encourager. I have been a follower of her IG feed for a while but recently began just absolutely devouring it. Carrie likes to motivate people and tell everyone how great they are - even when (especially when) they're going through a difficult time. She was my saving grace that first week after I found Ex-L with someone else. She reminds you to keep going, to spread happiness and joy whereever you go, that you have value and worth. She also sends out weekly emails on Wednesday to share a snippet of her life and provide some mid-week encouragement. She's awesome and happy. Awesome and happy people are what you need in your life - even virtually. 

You Know What Will Kill You?

You know what will kill you? Your mind will. I will be trucking along - having a pretty good day and then bam! A thought will creep into the back of my mind and drag me down with it. Sometimes it's something I see that will trigger it, sometimes I let my mind go astray and it does it itself. The big one that really hurts my heart is the image I have of finding Ex-L with someone else. I hear them, I see them. I remember what was said between us. I remember her face drain, that she never even apologized. She just yelled that we were getting a divorce - that she wasn't getting what she needed from me in our relationship. 

I plummet. The confusion sets in again. The disbelief creeps into the back of my mind. The denial edges forward. I suddenly can't believe this has happened - even if earlier today I was gleefully researching bedroom sets for my new apartment. Divorce is a roller-coaster of crap, my friends. One minute you're in the bottom of bottoms and the next you're "ok" and that ok-feeling tricks you into thinking you're doing great dealing with all of your emotions. But really you're just going through all of the phases of the process emotionally. It just is. 

I'm a big repetitive person. I have to tell myself something over and over. Sometimes I'll read a quote or a line in a self-help book and find myself re-reading that same line 3 or 4 times. I want it to sink in and stay with me. I want a lightbulb to flicker on. I want to accept everything. 

I know there are hard days ahead. Days when Ex-L officially starts dating or starts a serious relationship. I know there are days where my children will be introduced to a new woman - or maybe even get a stepmom. I know those are days that my heart will ache. I'll probably cry and be brought right back into the deep sadness I feel now. And it's like the one place that I should be (the present) is not the place that allow myself to be. 

I'm sad and hurt over the past - over what Ex-L did, what she said and didn't say, how she never fought for me and took the cowardly way out and cheated on me. That she told me how happy and in love she was but was really falling out of love with me. That she allowed herself to fall for someone else - even if it was temporary. I have a blazing anger inside of me when I think about that. And, I'm sad and hurt when I think about the future. That my children will not know what it's like to live in a household where their mommies are married and in love. That all of the dreams we had as a couple, as a family, are gone. How we talked about what a great future we had ahead of us and now that future together is gone. I'm sad and angry over what's to come and the uncertainty that all holds. That I can't control who will be in my children's lives. I hope they experience love and happiness. I really really hope that we can pull that off for them. 

And my heart aches for myself. For being so desperate for love that I was willing to lose myself in someone else. That I allowed them to hurt me 4x's - rejecting me every time. Saying terrible things like, "We do not belong together" or "I am not in love with you anymore." I've heard that FOUR times. I've been broken up with by the same person FOUR times. What kind of person allows that to happen to themselves? Someone with low self-esteem, I tell you. Someone that doesn't think anyone else in the whole wide world will give them love. Someone desperate to find their value and worth in the eyes of another person - someone that hands over that power to someone that will not be able to value them in the long run. And that's all sh*t I desperately need to work on. 

I don't want to be sad forever. I don't want to be obsessed over Ex-L or what she's doing. I don't want to be stuck loving someone that's not good for me. I want freedom. I want happiness. I want my heart to move on. I want to be ok. 

Am I Whining Too Much?

Actually, I don't care, so don't answer that question. But in case you were wondering - the answer is 'yes.'  I've played the victim and have allowed myself to continue to wallow in my own self-pity and ride the victim train until I can no longer see straight. The sick thing is that I'm aware of that. And, I'm allowing myself to self-pity at least until I can move and be on my own (and even then I may continue to whine a bit longer - because, life). So, hang in there folks.

Sometimes I am talking to someone and I hear myself. Have you ever done that? Really listened to yourself talk? It's not very often that we do. But lately, I'm super aware of the messages that come out of my mouth and what I've been communicating to (quite a few) people. Word vomit, my friends. It's alive and well. Honestly, there are times where I internally eye-roll myself. "Get over it already - grow a pair!" "Quit whining!" But the thing is - I can't. This is my story and my feelings and it's sometimes great to get it all out there. Every crazy theory I have or every time I super sad - unfortunately, some people have just been my life line. And it's good to know when I'm going through a sh*t time, that I'm not alone out there - someone actually does care for me! Or at least finds entertainment in my situation. Either one I'm ok with.

If you were to tell your story today - what would it say? Would people want to listen? Is it worth changing up that story if we're not having a particularly good day, week, month ... year? Should we cater to what people think they want to hear?

Kind of Obsessive

I have a lot of obsessive thoughts that have risen from this impending divorce. I'm not sure about you, but I get a thought in my mind and it swirls and swirls until it's the only thing I can think of. It sucks and it's embarrassing - even if I'm the only one knows that it's going on. The tail-end of my marriage was a base of lots of lies and deceit. I was told I was crazy, when I clearly semi-had things figured out and was only acknowledged when I walked into proof of what I was "crazy" about.

From there, there have been a ton of irrational thoughts that invade my brain. Things that keep me up at night, churn my stomach, produce massive, ugly tears. Things I cannot control, even if they are true. Mainly it has to do with Ex-L and another woman. I'm panicked they haven't stopped speaking, even though she has told me they did. I'm panicked that this woman is over at my house during the day, even though I was told that would never happen again. I'm panicked that my marriage is moving ultra fast, so that Ex-L can be with her - even though I've been told that isn't true. I've been told that everything I'm worried about now I'm making up in my mind and I'm doing this "to myself."

But how do you not worry when you've been lied to for so long, by someone you love? Regardless if I should care or not - I do. This is someone that I love ... loving someone else. And, I'm panicked that she's moved on so fast already and is hiding it from me. I'm torturing myself. And a lot of the times, once these thoughts begin, I can't stop them. They swirl and swirl until I can no longer take it and I either need to lash out at Ex-L and confront her with my "irrational accusations" or I find myself sitting in a steaming hot shower for 30-45 minutes at a time until I can clear my head. I feel crazy. I feel broken. I feel pathetic.

I feel destined for heartbreak. Because I know one day she will for-real move on and I'm terrified what I'll feel about that, and what that will do to me. When I'm being told that she's ready to introduce someone officially to our daughters. When she gets re-married. And, I just feel stuck. Why can't I move on too?

Inspiration

Here are some inspiring quotes to get you through your day ... I know they have helped me. And some of them I repeat to myself on the regular.