While Ex-L takes the kiddos out of town for Labor Day weekend, I made plans. Yep - you heard right. I'll be headed out of town too! I'm excited and nervous (and a wee bit sad just because I won't see my babies for 4 days)! I'll be headed to Michigan for a weekend of friends, booze and sunshine! Hopefully the weather holds out. There will be about 20 of us going and hanging out at a friend's house. It's much needed girl-time and social time and me time...all wrapped into one. Glorious!

Because I won't see my kids for 4 days I asked if I can be sent a picture here and there just to know they're ok. Ex-L said sure and then said we could even Skype, but I wasn't sure if I'd have cell service. She then asked if I was going to some third world country. <insert eyeroll> I'm not sure what happened (ok, maybe it was the cheating and request for divorce) but I kind of just went off. I know that I'm all over the place in the "stages of grief" but feel empty a lot lately, and when I'm not empty I'm mostly super angry. I rarely cry much any more ... but I am sleeping a lot and pissed. Soooo there's that. It doesn't help that the person I'm angry at constantly fuels my anger and knows just how to do it, too. To say we're extremely toxic for each other is a gross understatement. She brings out the worst in me.

I'm still counting down the days until I can move. Twenty-seven!!!! I should stock up on some wine now ... I'm sure I'll have a super sad time moving but I just know that I'll have the chance to move on and mind my business and not be consumed by her. It's sad when you're yearning for that type of release.

I Survived

She went out the other night - with co-workers, and one of those co-workers is the woman I caught her in my home with. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to handle it ... that I'd be caught up in the "what ifs" of the night. That I'd be upset. But I survived. Not to say this is monumental or that I won't have a freak out moment at some time in the future - but I am proud of myself for not allowing her night out overtake my night in. Or my sanity, for that matter. What miracle within me occurred to silence the crazy? I just didn't think about it. Anytime I found my thoughts going to "I wonder what she's doing, I bet they're kissing ... they're probably start talking again," I shut them down as soon as they came in. Because like I said before - it all no longer matters.

I'm trying to get to a point where I accept that we no longer have a relationship or a marriage. I think it's ok to mourn the end of our marriage and to mourn the dreams we had that are no longer able to come to fruition but I think it's bad to stay in that place. Right now, my life is not tied to that marriage. My life consists of me being a single mom of two beautiful little girls - and a wide open future. Now that's something to focus on. And whomever Ex-L decides to sleep with or date really has no physical impact on my life ... and it only hurts as much as I let it. Not to say it won't be painful when it really happens, but the more I focus on the "what ifs" the more I'm absent from my present life.

Although I've floundered at this statement before, "I do deserve better." I deserve to treat myself better, and to build a better life for myself and my girls. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to enjoy the short time I have on this Earth. And that's all stuff that's better.

What the Hell Am I Doing?

I went out and got an apartment - all ready to move out in September, which is the quickest get-away that I could schedule. It's in a nice complex, in an ideal neighborhood and near work. It was the first place I looked at. And honestly, I couldn't continue the search for an apartment because it was f*cking depressing. We were planning to buy a house next year, and here I am telling some random leasing agent that I'm going through a divorce and it'll just be me and my girls. 

She tried to sell me the big 2 bedroom apartment. It was awesome. Vaulted ceilings, enormous bedrooms, two balconies/patios with lots and lots of light! What a dream! But then several other thoughts crept in - for one, the kitchen was a galley kitchen so that meant if I was cooking, I wouldn't be able to see the girls in the living room. Then honestly, I didn't want to pay to heat and cool the larger apartment. And lastly, those days/nights when the girls would be with their other mom, I didn't want to be in this big ole apartment by myself. 

So, I settled for the smaller 2 bedroom apartment that was actually $20 more and 100 square feet less. It has less light and only 1 bathroom compared to the other unit's two. And in this one, I'm giving the girls the master bedroom and I'll take the smaller second bedroom. The good things are thought that it'll be cheaper to heat/cool, and the kitchen is open to the dining room and living room so I can watch the girls and be in the same area. Plus, since it feels smaller - I'm confident that I won't feel like I'm stuck in a big empty place when the girls aren't home. 

So, now my life is about organizing my finances, ordering cable/internet (and deciding if I really need it), looking into moving companies, filtering through my belongings to prepare for a garage sale, looking at divorce paperwork and speaking with attorneys, buying extra cribs, etc. I might not know what the heck I'm doing most of the time - and also am constantly asking myself how my life is where it is now, but I'm moving forward and trying to get my act together for the next chapter in my life. 

What helped you navigate through the pre-divorce stage? Anything that was a great pick-me-up that you did for yourself when you were "free"? 

So, here I am ...

So here I am - my first blog post in my first new blog. I'm writing anonomously because I'm cool like that. Kinda like that little aura of mystery that is complimenting my not-so-mysterious real life. Who am I? And, how the hell did I get here?

Well, for now you can call me Ms. Moscato. I'm based in the midwest and I'm in my early 30s. I have two very young twin kiddos. They're pretty amazing, if I do say so myself. I'm on the verge of the big D (aka Divorce) - and I'm not the one asking for it. I'm what you would refer to as the Divorce Opposer. Well, that's what all of my self-help material, that I've been eating up like it's going out of style, has told me. I'm currently balancing 4 out of the 5 stages of grief at any given moment of the day. So, I'm a little nuts right now. 

And - I created this blog as an outlet to share my experience over the next few months, year, etc. of my adventures through the divorce process. I'm sure it'll get ugly. I'm hoping that there are far more cooler moments, honestly. And, I'm just hoping that some lonely soul out there that may be going through the same thing can find hope ... or at least can laugh at the insaneness of my life.