While Ex-L takes the kiddos out of town for Labor Day weekend, I made plans. Yep - you heard right. I'll be headed out of town too! I'm excited and nervous (and a wee bit sad just because I won't see my babies for 4 days)! I'll be headed to Michigan for a weekend of friends, booze and sunshine! Hopefully the weather holds out. There will be about 20 of us going and hanging out at a friend's house. It's much needed girl-time and social time and me time...all wrapped into one. Glorious!

Because I won't see my kids for 4 days I asked if I can be sent a picture here and there just to know they're ok. Ex-L said sure and then said we could even Skype, but I wasn't sure if I'd have cell service. She then asked if I was going to some third world country. <insert eyeroll> I'm not sure what happened (ok, maybe it was the cheating and request for divorce) but I kind of just went off. I know that I'm all over the place in the "stages of grief" but feel empty a lot lately, and when I'm not empty I'm mostly super angry. I rarely cry much any more ... but I am sleeping a lot and pissed. Soooo there's that. It doesn't help that the person I'm angry at constantly fuels my anger and knows just how to do it, too. To say we're extremely toxic for each other is a gross understatement. She brings out the worst in me.

I'm still counting down the days until I can move. Twenty-seven!!!! I should stock up on some wine now ... I'm sure I'll have a super sad time moving but I just know that I'll have the chance to move on and mind my business and not be consumed by her. It's sad when you're yearning for that type of release.

New Experiences aka Keeping Busy

I've been trying to sign myself up for activities and such so I'm not sitting at home moping around - even when I have the girls with me. This past weekend a friend and I headed to a food truck festival in my town, which was overwhelming but pretty neat. They had about six or seven trucks stationed in a parking lot featuring all different kinds of food. We got there pretty early and selected a truck (featuring grilled cheese!) and the line moved pretty quickly - but by the time we got ready to order we noticed all of the other trucks had tremendously long lines. So, no option of really sampling a bunch of different kinds of food. We ate our grilled cheese and cheese fries though, then headed to Walgreens and picked up a little six pack of beer (hello, high school!) and some cups and went back to the food truck festival because a band was playing that night. We just sat in the grass and talked and it was really nice just to get my mind off of things and have a good time!

Then on Saturday, I woke up early and ran a ton of errands. Hit up counseling and then went shopping for some necessities for the apartment. By the time I got back, Ex-L was headed out for the evening and didn't return home until 3 am. I tossed and turned all night until she got home. But I didn't say anything when she came in or even the next day. I can only imagine where she was or what she was doing until 3 am. But it's not my business anymore and I'm just trying to not get sucked up into something I can't change.

On Sunday I had a softball game and I was asked to bring the girls with - as everyone on the team that had kids were bringing their little ones too! It was like 90 degrees outside, but we hit up the grocery store for snacks, water and ice for our cooler and then headed out. Luckily, sunscreen, hats and a nice canopy to sit under kept the girls from over-heating or getting sunburn while I played. They had lots of fun with the other babies and meeting new people and had lots of yummy food too. They skipped their afternoon nap, though, so by the time we got back in the car around 4 pm to head back home, they both clonked out immediately. It does feel great those days when I can take them out and about with me and actually do stuff. I feel accomplished and better than sitting at home with them. And I think they enjoy getting out too.

And I think focusing on keeping myself busy, sprinkled with remembering that Ex-L treated me bad - whatever way you look at it - and I deserve to be treated better, helps keep my head above water for now. I know I can have a happy life without her, and I can be a great mom. By continuing to focus on my life, instead of hyperfocused on what she's doing and who she's doing it with is just healthier for me overall. And guess what? Only 30 days until the big move!! YESSSSS!!!

Am I Whining Too Much?

Actually, I don't care, so don't answer that question. But in case you were wondering - the answer is 'yes.'  I've played the victim and have allowed myself to continue to wallow in my own self-pity and ride the victim train until I can no longer see straight. The sick thing is that I'm aware of that. And, I'm allowing myself to self-pity at least until I can move and be on my own (and even then I may continue to whine a bit longer - because, life). So, hang in there folks.

Sometimes I am talking to someone and I hear myself. Have you ever done that? Really listened to yourself talk? It's not very often that we do. But lately, I'm super aware of the messages that come out of my mouth and what I've been communicating to (quite a few) people. Word vomit, my friends. It's alive and well. Honestly, there are times where I internally eye-roll myself. "Get over it already - grow a pair!" "Quit whining!" But the thing is - I can't. This is my story and my feelings and it's sometimes great to get it all out there. Every crazy theory I have or every time I super sad - unfortunately, some people have just been my life line. And it's good to know when I'm going through a sh*t time, that I'm not alone out there - someone actually does care for me! Or at least finds entertainment in my situation. Either one I'm ok with.

If you were to tell your story today - what would it say? Would people want to listen? Is it worth changing up that story if we're not having a particularly good day, week, month ... year? Should we cater to what people think they want to hear?

What the Hell Am I Doing?

I went out and got an apartment - all ready to move out in September, which is the quickest get-away that I could schedule. It's in a nice complex, in an ideal neighborhood and near work. It was the first place I looked at. And honestly, I couldn't continue the search for an apartment because it was f*cking depressing. We were planning to buy a house next year, and here I am telling some random leasing agent that I'm going through a divorce and it'll just be me and my girls. 

She tried to sell me the big 2 bedroom apartment. It was awesome. Vaulted ceilings, enormous bedrooms, two balconies/patios with lots and lots of light! What a dream! But then several other thoughts crept in - for one, the kitchen was a galley kitchen so that meant if I was cooking, I wouldn't be able to see the girls in the living room. Then honestly, I didn't want to pay to heat and cool the larger apartment. And lastly, those days/nights when the girls would be with their other mom, I didn't want to be in this big ole apartment by myself. 

So, I settled for the smaller 2 bedroom apartment that was actually $20 more and 100 square feet less. It has less light and only 1 bathroom compared to the other unit's two. And in this one, I'm giving the girls the master bedroom and I'll take the smaller second bedroom. The good things are thought that it'll be cheaper to heat/cool, and the kitchen is open to the dining room and living room so I can watch the girls and be in the same area. Plus, since it feels smaller - I'm confident that I won't feel like I'm stuck in a big empty place when the girls aren't home. 

So, now my life is about organizing my finances, ordering cable/internet (and deciding if I really need it), looking into moving companies, filtering through my belongings to prepare for a garage sale, looking at divorce paperwork and speaking with attorneys, buying extra cribs, etc. I might not know what the heck I'm doing most of the time - and also am constantly asking myself how my life is where it is now, but I'm moving forward and trying to get my act together for the next chapter in my life. 

What helped you navigate through the pre-divorce stage? Anything that was a great pick-me-up that you did for yourself when you were "free"?