I had counseling earlier this week. Amidst my tears, I realized that the reason Ex-L and I butt heads so much is because for me it's easier to be angry and engage with her that way - its just easier to be mad at her. To have her shut down and not want to speak to me. Otherwise, creeping thoughts of "what if..." and "just maybe..." edge into my brain. And, after everything - that's not what is best for me. It shouldn't be an option. And, it's more painful to sit in the sadness then to ride out the rage.

I mentioned this to her this morning. We both had tears streaming down her face. She texted me later to say that I was right - she felt the same way. That she was so angry with me for so long that she hasn't allowed herself to be sad ... but the closer we get to "moving day" the more it's coming out for her. Her sadness.

And when she says stuff like that, it's like the person I married returns to me briefly. That I can see her, and I feel that love I have/had. For a moment, it's like the nightmare never happened. But a reality check - like an email from your new rental company reminding you of payments and renter's insurance proofs, or your attorney asking for a clarification of address as she completes your prove up, or even just the change you've already made externally on your Facebook page, allows it all to come slamming right into your back. She checked out. She cheated. She asked for a divorce. She didn't even try. The person I love is gone.

I think it's ok to still love her. I'm trying to figure out how to not stay wrapped in that love. To learn to lean on myself. To not let her decisions and what she does in her life debilitate mine. If you have any tips - I'd love to hear them.

The Filing

I filed earlier this week - well, my attorney did. But it feels odd to see that email appear in my inbox of the scanned paperwork all stamped up ... that it's a recorded act and the beginning of the end of our legal marriage. I was trembling a bit that day - and it unleashed some [read: a lot] of anger towards her. It was a rough day.

My attorney is working on the prove up that we hand to the judge with our agreements. Custody arrangements, financial stuff, etc. Then we will get assigned a court date and hopefully only have to make one appearance. Then we'll be legally divorced. Nothing [minus the girls] will tie our lives together. She will no longer be my wife and vice versa. I'm honestly dreading that day.

Running Against Time

I wish there was a set time period of getting over someone or moving through a divorce. There are many, many days when I can't honestly see the other side of this tunnel I'm trapped in. I know others have made it out - have built new lives, met new loves, have smiled again. I want to fast-forward through all of the pain and get to that point. This crap I'm in is a total rollercoaster. And, no matter how much I try to tell myself I'm tired of being sorry for myself, for being the victim, for loving someone incapable of loving me - my heart tugs me right back into that sad, dark, corner of my mind. I know then that I'm no way near through anything ... I have a long journey still ahead.

Many times during the day I feel like I could just burst into tears. My energy is completely zapped. I want to lay in bed, cry and feel sorry for myself. Hey - it's just what I want to do.

Days flitter across my face and for a moment I can barely forget what has happened. I still feel a surge of love for her hit my heart. But just as soon as I feel that, something else will dash across my mind ... it could be a visual of what I walked in on ... it could be a flash of the text message I found, "You know I love you," it could be her cold eyes glaring at me in our most heated arguments - the love of my life telling me to leave her the f*ck alone and only speak to her about the divorce or the children. That she's tired of re-hashing what's happened 80 times a day. The audacity. And my fragile heart shatters all over again.

Her favorite sayings as of late are, "You have everything all figured out, don't you?" or "You've just pieced it all together, haven't you?" The truth is I still feel like I know nothing and am forced to make sense of a terrible situation because I've been given no explanation. I'm told I've been given an explanation that I choose not to accept. That I have had a part in the demise of our marriage too. That I haven't handled the end of our marriage with class or respect. You read that correct - I was lied to and cheated on but I was expected to suck it up and exit with "class and respect." That makes me want to vomit.

"You do realize this all happened over two months ago, right?" That was the newest one. Like I was supposed to be over 8 years of my life with someone in two months. That was enough time to bottle it up and move on - peacefully. Even though I was the one blindsided by this and she had a year [apparently] to figure out her feelings - all while in the comfort of a marriage. I have to battle through my feelings with zero sense of security from the person I loved.

Am I still in love? Am I merely obsessed and frantic? Am I desperate to be loved and mixing that up with feelings of real love? Does your love end when theirs does? When you have experienced deep pain? What happens to that love? I think it transform to anger. And if we can't forgive [I'm not there yet, either] we live with that anger in our hearts - it'll hold us back from ever trusting another person again.

One of her relatives reached out to me on Facebook. She sent a message of hope for me - that she's sad that we're all going through this. That she's prayed for us. That when her husband left her and her two daughters, that her girls became her life - and that she learned to believe that God had a bigger, better plan for her. It was a long time coming but she made it through and has since re-married and lives a very happy life. Her daughters are now grown. She feels that there's a better plan out there for me too - regardless if I believe in God or not. She believes that He has something else in store for me. That warms my heart, to know that her faith brings a message of hope to her for me. That she has been through this dark part of her own life and has made it to other side. That her daughters have found strength in her. And, that she has found love again.

Married to a Narcissist?

I had a great Labor Day weekend - spent a day boating with friends in Michigan, another day catching up with another good friend and then did some retail therapy and worked on getting ready to move. The goal was to keep myself busy because Ex-L took the girls out of town for the weekend. It was weird not having them at home at night ... and being away from them that long. Monday morning was a little rough for me but I was able to drag myself out of it.

I've been doing a ton of ready on co-dependency and narcissism in relationships. I find a ton of similarities in my marriage, and am starting to realize how manipulated I was (and still am) and how this all was inevitable. I'm also trying to pull myself out of the victimization I feel - I need to get strong but I do feel like "why me?" a lot. That's the perfect spot for a narcissist to have you pushed down to. It's also hard to know the person that you loved could/would do all of this - and in the end not really love you anyways. Or maybe they loved you but not in the way you need them to. Not in a way that is healthy. And especially since this is has been a pattern in our relationship, this would happen to me over and over in our relationship. I'll never be "enough" for her. And that's not something that's my fault or that I can control. No one will ever be "enough" for her.

As a codependent, I have a LOT of work to do internally. My self-confidence is gone, my personal self-worth is out the door, my faith in the future is diminished. I'm at a low-point, and I'll never be able to attract all of the good things I want in my life if I can't mirror the good that's already inside of me. I have a lot of work to do to pull her back out. And I'm working on what that looks like - right now I'm just trying to stay busy. Filling up my calendar, connecting with old friends, doing stuff I've never done before. It's not really "fulfilling" stuff as it is "busy" stuff.

To say I'm terrified of life without Ex-L is an understatement. That's part of the co-dependency ... not having faith in myself to provide for myself and be by myself and be ok without her. All stuff that is untrue - I can provide for myself (heck, I provided for our whole family for a long time!), I'm totally ok being by myself and being single, and I'll absolutely be ok without her - I've actually done it before. But I still have that twinge of doubt and that's because I lack self-confidence in myself. I need to learn to be my biggest cheerleader. I'm working on that. I'm sad for myself a lot - sad that I don't have that internal "I'm better than this!" attitude. Sad that I need someone else to validate my self-worth. Sad that I'm not confident in who I am.

I also have a lot of anger, though. I mean - Ex-L left me when I was at my lowest point. My self-esteem was garbage because I was post-partum and alone A LOT. I was isolated and felt just drained. I had no time or motivation to work on myself. And I only had her and myself to lean on. And instead of supporting me or helping me out of that dark hole, she left me. She cheated on me. She gave up on me and left me in that dark place. Who does that? See - and the anger rises up. Ugh!

Angry Bird

I'm a raging b*tch lately. I'm pretty unapologetic about it too. That really doesn't help anything on the homefront. Every time I think about Ex-L my blood boils. Every lie (real and imagined) I turn over in my mind. Every time I just merely *think* about her actions, I want to scream at the top of my lungs. And, that makes me very pleasant for her to be around.

She tells me she avoids me now because she doesn't want to argue. I'm pissed about that. She asks me if it makes me feel better to yell at her - I tell her it does. She's pissed about that. I tell her I hate her (and some days I do). I am angry because I don't understand ... I never will. But I'm PISSED that I don't understand. I'm hurt, and part of me is angry that I can never hurt her the way she has hurt me. I'm angry that I'm the one that has to feel this way. 

I'm angry that she tells me our marriage wasn't good. I'm angry that I failed to see any of this coming. I'm angry that she didn't just leave but also had to find someone else - which she knew would hurt me even more. I'm angry that she didn't try. I'm angry that she didn't communicate. I'm angry that I blame her for everything. And all I can think about is the day I can move and get away and be in my own space. And I'm angry because that's going to be a f*cking hard day. I'm angry because of all the tears that I have cried and the tears that are yet to come. I'm angry that I'll only get to see my kids 50% of the time. I'm angry that she has forced them to have inconsistency in their lives - to always have to bounce back and forth between the two of us. 

And mainly, I'm just angry that I'm not over it. That it hurts. That I have to feel this pain, yet again, and this time it's 900 times worse. I'm angry, angry, angry. I don't know if that's keeping me moving forward, or helps keep a smile on my face in times like these. I don't know if it's what prevents me from breaking down every single day, or truly going off the deep end. I just know there's a rage that bubbles deep inside of me and at times, I feel like it shoots out of my ears like in all of those comics. And I'm angry because the love of my life doesn't want to be in my life anymore. 

New Experiences aka Keeping Busy

I've been trying to sign myself up for activities and such so I'm not sitting at home moping around - even when I have the girls with me. This past weekend a friend and I headed to a food truck festival in my town, which was overwhelming but pretty neat. They had about six or seven trucks stationed in a parking lot featuring all different kinds of food. We got there pretty early and selected a truck (featuring grilled cheese!) and the line moved pretty quickly - but by the time we got ready to order we noticed all of the other trucks had tremendously long lines. So, no option of really sampling a bunch of different kinds of food. We ate our grilled cheese and cheese fries though, then headed to Walgreens and picked up a little six pack of beer (hello, high school!) and some cups and went back to the food truck festival because a band was playing that night. We just sat in the grass and talked and it was really nice just to get my mind off of things and have a good time!

Then on Saturday, I woke up early and ran a ton of errands. Hit up counseling and then went shopping for some necessities for the apartment. By the time I got back, Ex-L was headed out for the evening and didn't return home until 3 am. I tossed and turned all night until she got home. But I didn't say anything when she came in or even the next day. I can only imagine where she was or what she was doing until 3 am. But it's not my business anymore and I'm just trying to not get sucked up into something I can't change.

On Sunday I had a softball game and I was asked to bring the girls with - as everyone on the team that had kids were bringing their little ones too! It was like 90 degrees outside, but we hit up the grocery store for snacks, water and ice for our cooler and then headed out. Luckily, sunscreen, hats and a nice canopy to sit under kept the girls from over-heating or getting sunburn while I played. They had lots of fun with the other babies and meeting new people and had lots of yummy food too. They skipped their afternoon nap, though, so by the time we got back in the car around 4 pm to head back home, they both clonked out immediately. It does feel great those days when I can take them out and about with me and actually do stuff. I feel accomplished and better than sitting at home with them. And I think they enjoy getting out too.

And I think focusing on keeping myself busy, sprinkled with remembering that Ex-L treated me bad - whatever way you look at it - and I deserve to be treated better, helps keep my head above water for now. I know I can have a happy life without her, and I can be a great mom. By continuing to focus on my life, instead of hyperfocused on what she's doing and who she's doing it with is just healthier for me overall. And guess what? Only 30 days until the big move!! YESSSSS!!!

You Know What Will Kill You?

You know what will kill you? Your mind will. I will be trucking along - having a pretty good day and then bam! A thought will creep into the back of my mind and drag me down with it. Sometimes it's something I see that will trigger it, sometimes I let my mind go astray and it does it itself. The big one that really hurts my heart is the image I have of finding Ex-L with someone else. I hear them, I see them. I remember what was said between us. I remember her face drain, that she never even apologized. She just yelled that we were getting a divorce - that she wasn't getting what she needed from me in our relationship. 

I plummet. The confusion sets in again. The disbelief creeps into the back of my mind. The denial edges forward. I suddenly can't believe this has happened - even if earlier today I was gleefully researching bedroom sets for my new apartment. Divorce is a roller-coaster of crap, my friends. One minute you're in the bottom of bottoms and the next you're "ok" and that ok-feeling tricks you into thinking you're doing great dealing with all of your emotions. But really you're just going through all of the phases of the process emotionally. It just is. 

I'm a big repetitive person. I have to tell myself something over and over. Sometimes I'll read a quote or a line in a self-help book and find myself re-reading that same line 3 or 4 times. I want it to sink in and stay with me. I want a lightbulb to flicker on. I want to accept everything. 

I know there are hard days ahead. Days when Ex-L officially starts dating or starts a serious relationship. I know there are days where my children will be introduced to a new woman - or maybe even get a stepmom. I know those are days that my heart will ache. I'll probably cry and be brought right back into the deep sadness I feel now. And it's like the one place that I should be (the present) is not the place that allow myself to be. 

I'm sad and hurt over the past - over what Ex-L did, what she said and didn't say, how she never fought for me and took the cowardly way out and cheated on me. That she told me how happy and in love she was but was really falling out of love with me. That she allowed herself to fall for someone else - even if it was temporary. I have a blazing anger inside of me when I think about that. And, I'm sad and hurt when I think about the future. That my children will not know what it's like to live in a household where their mommies are married and in love. That all of the dreams we had as a couple, as a family, are gone. How we talked about what a great future we had ahead of us and now that future together is gone. I'm sad and angry over what's to come and the uncertainty that all holds. That I can't control who will be in my children's lives. I hope they experience love and happiness. I really really hope that we can pull that off for them. 

And my heart aches for myself. For being so desperate for love that I was willing to lose myself in someone else. That I allowed them to hurt me 4x's - rejecting me every time. Saying terrible things like, "We do not belong together" or "I am not in love with you anymore." I've heard that FOUR times. I've been broken up with by the same person FOUR times. What kind of person allows that to happen to themselves? Someone with low self-esteem, I tell you. Someone that doesn't think anyone else in the whole wide world will give them love. Someone desperate to find their value and worth in the eyes of another person - someone that hands over that power to someone that will not be able to value them in the long run. And that's all sh*t I desperately need to work on. 

I don't want to be sad forever. I don't want to be obsessed over Ex-L or what she's doing. I don't want to be stuck loving someone that's not good for me. I want freedom. I want happiness. I want my heart to move on. I want to be ok. 

Am I Whining Too Much?

Actually, I don't care, so don't answer that question. But in case you were wondering - the answer is 'yes.'  I've played the victim and have allowed myself to continue to wallow in my own self-pity and ride the victim train until I can no longer see straight. The sick thing is that I'm aware of that. And, I'm allowing myself to self-pity at least until I can move and be on my own (and even then I may continue to whine a bit longer - because, life). So, hang in there folks.

Sometimes I am talking to someone and I hear myself. Have you ever done that? Really listened to yourself talk? It's not very often that we do. But lately, I'm super aware of the messages that come out of my mouth and what I've been communicating to (quite a few) people. Word vomit, my friends. It's alive and well. Honestly, there are times where I internally eye-roll myself. "Get over it already - grow a pair!" "Quit whining!" But the thing is - I can't. This is my story and my feelings and it's sometimes great to get it all out there. Every crazy theory I have or every time I super sad - unfortunately, some people have just been my life line. And it's good to know when I'm going through a sh*t time, that I'm not alone out there - someone actually does care for me! Or at least finds entertainment in my situation. Either one I'm ok with.

If you were to tell your story today - what would it say? Would people want to listen? Is it worth changing up that story if we're not having a particularly good day, week, month ... year? Should we cater to what people think they want to hear?

Wait - What Am I Agreeing To?

Mediation. So, we scheduled that and everything in my freaking life is moving at warp speed. We were told that it could take two sessions. Each session is billed at $200 an hour and is 2 hours long. Plus, there's a $400 paper drafting fee. If you're playing along - that's a lot of damn money. Divorce is expensive.

So we made a pact to get as much agreed upon prior to our appointment and aim to have it completed in 1. Our mediator scoffed - but we pulled through and only used 1.5 hours of one session. <<high five>> Still, damn depressing. Luckily, we don't own anything together so it's mostly custody and credit card debt.

The appointment itself went smoothly. But we each had a 5 minute pow-wow solo with the mediator at the end, and she asked how we felt about the whole thing. Basically, "now that the other person is out of the room - are you sure you agree to everything?" Of course I cried. Because I don't want this to begin with and I can't believe I'm sitting across from a woman I do not know dividing up my entire life - from exposing all of my debts to talking about who gets the girls on Thanksgiving. But, Ex-L cried too - and on our way out she wouldn't even look at me. So, I know it's hard for her too.

Afterwards, I met with my attorney for an hour and literally felt my eyes begin to glaze over. Maybe it was an out of body experience. Kinda like, "yes, please keep rattling off all of these stipulations and things to know as my life crumbles in front of me." At the end, I literally wanted to shove a blank check into her hands (once she started on about fees) and be like - "take it all - just stop talking!" 

Surprisingly, though I've been kinda numb the entire day. But then I got a surge where I called Ex-L and bawled my eyes out talking about how it was all going so fast and I was still confused and how painful it all is. She teared up too and said it was also hard for her, but she knows this is the right thing. That even though we love each other, love shouldn't be this hard - that we have been fighting for it for years. I actually think she's been running from it for years - because the last I remember, I didn't have a fair chance to actually fight this last time.

And then I get angry. Once I sit back and I think about the things said to me, the excuses given, etc. I start to get this deep anger well inside of me and cannot fathom that if this is a marriage and I'm someone that she vowed to love forever, to care for deeply, that she built a family with - why is it so easy to leave? Why after 1 bad year are we actually filing for divorce? Why was there no work put into it? It makes me think that every excuse put out there is just that - an excuse. And maybe there is no reason behind anything. Maybe she will forever run from the hard times in relationships. Maybe she will be my unicorn.

All I do know is that I'm closer to filing for divorce and making this a permanent arrangement. And even though part of me is waiting for that sweet relief that all of this in-limbo crap is all over - a huge part of me sinks further into a deep sadness, mourning everything we have lost. Mourning those 8 years of our relationship. And feeling like an utter disappointment for two girls that never asked for this.

Not My Fault

Break-ups suck. Divorce sucks more. It's often compared to a death ... in that both parties, regardless of who asks for the divorce, grieve the relationship much like you'd grieve a death. And most of that is due to the dying of lost dreams, building a future together, etc. I'd agree. This sh*t sucks. Not only am I losing my love, but I'm losing everything we had planned together, the dreams of raising our girls in an awesome family home environment, and even my super awesome extended family.

If life was so great - why is it ending? I ask myself this daily. I can sit here and say, "It's not my fault!!" all day long, but I know part of it is. During my pregnancy and the postpartum period, I changed. I didn't have a tough pregnancy but was put on bedrest for 7 weeks. Then after I delivered I think I had a bout of undiagnosed postpartum depression that pretty much left me unmotivated to do anything. I cried a lot, I felt hopeless, I was lonely. And as much as it impacted me - it apparently impacted my partner too. That was something I was unaware of. I thought I was battling this thing on my own. I didn't realize that it was shutting her out, it was changing our dynamic. 

Now, she takes responsibility for not bringing things up sooner. For failing to tell me how she felt because she thought it would all blow over. But then it got to a point where resentment built up and then eventually anger. And, before I knew it we were barely speaking to each other. I didn't even notice things were bad until last month. (Hello, Clueless!) By that time, it was too late. She said she wanted to work on things and save our marriage, and even considered couples counseling. But it was too late for her. Her feelings had changed and she admitted she fell out of love with me.

Now, enter her new-found co-worker friend. Constant text messaging and calls all hours of the day. My soon-to-be ex was so emerged into this new "friendship" that I basically lost my shit constantly because I was insecure of the relationship and didn't understand how she can lean on this person I barely knew yet want nothing to do with me. I was told I was crazy. That this person was just a friend.

And, then one day I came home from work early and found a strange car in my driveway. As I entered the door, I found my wife and her "friend" fooling around on the couch. Then, two days later I went through her phone and found a text message saying, "You know I love you" followed by similar sentiments from the co-worker. So they loved each other?!

As you can imagine, I'm hurt and heartbroken and confused and angry. What the f*ck has just happened? How did my wife fall for someone else? Why does she want out of our relationship? Why couldn't she support and stay by me when I was at my worst? A ton of crazy questions float in and out of my mind all day long. And let's not even get to the topic of every time I come home now, I "see" that car in my driveway. And every time I look at our couch, I "see" them on it. And it breaks me. 

I've spent many a times huddled on the floor of my shower with scalding hot water spraying on me as big heavy, ugly tears stream down my face. I've contemplated not living (but I have kids and would never do that - just trying to be real here). I've had a rage surge through me that I didn't know existed. I've felt hopeless. And, I've incidentally have had moments of relief and calm overtake me. I'm all over the place. That's how I know why they compare divorce to a death. You think you can bargain to save the relationship, and will find yourself on your knees once day begging to be loved in return. You find yourself spewing such hateful words that you're ashamed of yourself the next day. You find yourself swirling the bottom of the drain with such feelings of hopelessness that you don't know which way is up. 

And everyone tells you that time heals. That life will get better. That you need to hang in there and keep trucking along because you have kids and a full life ahead of you ... and this isn't the end of all that. It just changes things. So, you desperately try to hang onto that hope in those moments of despair and hope the terrible feelings fade soon.