I had counseling earlier this week. Amidst my tears, I realized that the reason Ex-L and I butt heads so much is because for me it's easier to be angry and engage with her that way - its just easier to be mad at her. To have her shut down and not want to speak to me. Otherwise, creeping thoughts of "what if..." and "just maybe..." edge into my brain. And, after everything - that's not what is best for me. It shouldn't be an option. And, it's more painful to sit in the sadness then to ride out the rage.

I mentioned this to her this morning. We both had tears streaming down her face. She texted me later to say that I was right - she felt the same way. That she was so angry with me for so long that she hasn't allowed herself to be sad ... but the closer we get to "moving day" the more it's coming out for her. Her sadness.

And when she says stuff like that, it's like the person I married returns to me briefly. That I can see her, and I feel that love I have/had. For a moment, it's like the nightmare never happened. But a reality check - like an email from your new rental company reminding you of payments and renter's insurance proofs, or your attorney asking for a clarification of address as she completes your prove up, or even just the change you've already made externally on your Facebook page, allows it all to come slamming right into your back. She checked out. She cheated. She asked for a divorce. She didn't even try. The person I love is gone.

I think it's ok to still love her. I'm trying to figure out how to not stay wrapped in that love. To learn to lean on myself. To not let her decisions and what she does in her life debilitate mine. If you have any tips - I'd love to hear them.

The Filing

I filed earlier this week - well, my attorney did. But it feels odd to see that email appear in my inbox of the scanned paperwork all stamped up ... that it's a recorded act and the beginning of the end of our legal marriage. I was trembling a bit that day - and it unleashed some [read: a lot] of anger towards her. It was a rough day.

My attorney is working on the prove up that we hand to the judge with our agreements. Custody arrangements, financial stuff, etc. Then we will get assigned a court date and hopefully only have to make one appearance. Then we'll be legally divorced. Nothing [minus the girls] will tie our lives together. She will no longer be my wife and vice versa. I'm honestly dreading that day.

Married to a Narcissist?

I had a great Labor Day weekend - spent a day boating with friends in Michigan, another day catching up with another good friend and then did some retail therapy and worked on getting ready to move. The goal was to keep myself busy because Ex-L took the girls out of town for the weekend. It was weird not having them at home at night ... and being away from them that long. Monday morning was a little rough for me but I was able to drag myself out of it.

I've been doing a ton of ready on co-dependency and narcissism in relationships. I find a ton of similarities in my marriage, and am starting to realize how manipulated I was (and still am) and how this all was inevitable. I'm also trying to pull myself out of the victimization I feel - I need to get strong but I do feel like "why me?" a lot. That's the perfect spot for a narcissist to have you pushed down to. It's also hard to know the person that you loved could/would do all of this - and in the end not really love you anyways. Or maybe they loved you but not in the way you need them to. Not in a way that is healthy. And especially since this is has been a pattern in our relationship, this would happen to me over and over in our relationship. I'll never be "enough" for her. And that's not something that's my fault or that I can control. No one will ever be "enough" for her.

As a codependent, I have a LOT of work to do internally. My self-confidence is gone, my personal self-worth is out the door, my faith in the future is diminished. I'm at a low-point, and I'll never be able to attract all of the good things I want in my life if I can't mirror the good that's already inside of me. I have a lot of work to do to pull her back out. And I'm working on what that looks like - right now I'm just trying to stay busy. Filling up my calendar, connecting with old friends, doing stuff I've never done before. It's not really "fulfilling" stuff as it is "busy" stuff.

To say I'm terrified of life without Ex-L is an understatement. That's part of the co-dependency ... not having faith in myself to provide for myself and be by myself and be ok without her. All stuff that is untrue - I can provide for myself (heck, I provided for our whole family for a long time!), I'm totally ok being by myself and being single, and I'll absolutely be ok without her - I've actually done it before. But I still have that twinge of doubt and that's because I lack self-confidence in myself. I need to learn to be my biggest cheerleader. I'm working on that. I'm sad for myself a lot - sad that I don't have that internal "I'm better than this!" attitude. Sad that I need someone else to validate my self-worth. Sad that I'm not confident in who I am.

I also have a lot of anger, though. I mean - Ex-L left me when I was at my lowest point. My self-esteem was garbage because I was post-partum and alone A LOT. I was isolated and felt just drained. I had no time or motivation to work on myself. And I only had her and myself to lean on. And instead of supporting me or helping me out of that dark hole, she left me. She cheated on me. She gave up on me and left me in that dark place. Who does that? See - and the anger rises up. Ugh!

Happy Family Photos

Our last family photo was taken on Mother's Day - our first Mother's Day. We sat on our couch and each propped a baby on our lap and smiled for a camera with a timer on it. I look at that picture now and wonder why I didn't see the sadness or unhappiness in Ex-L's eyes. Why I thought we didn't have problems that could be solved. Why she had started having an emotional affair on me at that point - and how I was so unaware of what was going on.

Our next family photos are a professional session I have scheduled in October. It'll be mainly just for updated pictures of the girls - but of course I'm going to get some shots of just me and them. It'll be photos from our little lady family. But even if they do not have two parents together in their family photos, I still want them to have memories to look back on. I'm afraid that through the divorce and through re-discovering myself we (or I) will forget to document their little lives that are rapidly blooming. I don't want them to wonder what happened to them during this time in our lives and ask "Why are there no memories or photos of us?" when thinking back to the year that mommy and mama split.

So, part of me is looking forward to updating our family photos for when we move into my new place. It'll be a home that is adorned with photos of me and the two most important ladies in my life. And it will be filled with memories (happy memories) of our lives together. They deserve that.

Skin Crawl

Part of what breaks my heart is thinking of all of the things the person I loved did during the end/fall out of our marriage. It makes my skin crawl to think that someone I trusted and cared about could do these things. For example - texting the other woman constantly on my actual birthday but barely saying anything to me on my day except for a quick "Happy Birthday". I even just received a card and a thrown-together gift. Contacting the other woman on our anniversary (around the time when their relationship got sexual), even though I made a nice dinner. Bringing her into our home on multiple occasions while our children were home - to do god only knows what.

Finding our bed-sheets changed (although she adamantly denies they had sex) on the day I found out she was in my home - the day after I begged Ex-L not to bring her into our home and the day before I found them fooling around in our living room. Finding empty Starbuck's cups with the other woman's name on it hidden in our trash can (which wasn't there earlier so they were stashed and then tossed when I wasn't looking). Finding a receipt for a "love card" and bouquet of flowers (even though Ex-L says they were for a co-worker's mother's birthday).

How can I care about someone that has blatantly not cared about me? How can I care about someone that would disrespect me so gravely and then wonder why I do not believe one word she says? It makes my skin crawl to know that this person would shatter our marriage like this - even if she felt it wasn't working. That's not the way you get out. And to know that she will be around our children, and have whatever/whoever she will have around our children makes me sick inside.

Who has the ability to be so deceitful? And what kind of sick person still mourns that relationship in their life?

Trapped

Sometimes I feel trapped in my own mind. I'll be fine one minute and then doing something completely crazy and obsessive the next. The heart apparently has no shame when it's broken. I just don't feel like myself. I feel trapped in feeling like crap. I feel sad that I'm so dependent on the love of someone else to validate my worth. My counselor mentioned codependency and suggested I read up on it. She recommended a book called Codependent: No More that I downloaded to my Kindle yesterday and am already 22% of the way through (isn't it funny that because of ereaders it's measured in percentage and not pages). 

The book focuses on the partners of alcoholics aka codependents. People that have had mental and emotional implications from living with and loving someone that's been an alcoholic. The unique thing is that codependents go through their experience sober. So it has long-term effects just as much as alcoholism has on the alcoholic. A person can also be codependent stemming from other traumas, and even parental relationships. Part of the reason why I'm so desperate for Ex-L to love me and put all of my worth in her hands stems from the relationship I had with my mother growing up. When I was 5 she handed me over to my dad because she wanted more of a social life and couldn't care for me the way my dad and his parents could. I saw her only on weekends and even then she passed me over for her second ex-husband. I was never good enough for her. The last time I told her I loved her was when I was 6. We've had a strained relationship ever since. I feel like I barely know her. 

And so I know I search for that love from relationships, and I take break-ups especially hard because I feel like it's that mother-rejection all over again. I'm not good enough, I'm not worthy, I'm not loveable. And although that's all not true - it's so hard-wired in my head that it's hard to get past those thoughts. They well up deep within me. It sometimes feels like my life is ruined or that I'll never find love again - that my future is over because this one person cannot/does not love me any more. I know it's ridiculous. I went through a super hard break up before and found Ex-L a few years after - so I know it's all possible. But I'm also terrified to be caught in another relationship that's toxic like this one. At least I know what to expect being with her.

And then part of me is just sad. Sad at this is what my life is and that the happy future that I pictured with her and our children will not happen - at least not together. And that makes me angry. If anyone has advice on when this will start to subside - I'd love to hear it. I worry that this panic and this feeling will last forever. 

You Oughta Know

Did you know that Alanis Morrissette's song "You Oughta Know" is about her ex Dave Coulier? Like, straight from Full House, Uncle Joey - Dave Coulier? He straight broke her heart and then she lit him up lyrically.

It's such a raw song, though and full of that angry rage that you get when going through a break up. Empty promises, and the realization that the person that broke your heart is now with someone new. "I'm here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away ..." Seriously - she's like you can't just walk away from this because it meant something to me and you made a mess of it all. PREACH GURLFRAND. Not gonna lie - this is like my break up anthem right now. AHHHH!

When you're in that dark place and looking for some "oomph" to get that girl-angst going, I have some inspirational resources. Hope they work for you, because sometimes you need a healthy way to get that angery out (read: singing an angry song at the top of your lungs or repeating an awesome empowering mantra to get your head right). Do you!

Article: Fool Me Once - Hot damn this article will get your blood boiling and put you in the "I DESERVE BETTER DAMNIT" camp immediately! It's basically - "you're an asshole and a terrible person and I deserve better." It'll get you feeling that you deserve better - even when you're not sure what that looks like.

Blog: Lessons from the End of a Marriage - Tons of articles that may or may not pertain to you and what you're going through. Isn't it nice to know that someone understands that hot mess of a rollercoaster you're riding right now AND has advice about some of it. Eat this sh*t up, people! I like this article ... it has some great advice on moving forward.

Song: Hold On - Because after you're done screaming at the top of your lungs with Alanis, you need an empowering 'moving on' song. Something that motivates you to be the best you, you can be! Wilson Phillips has this power, ya'll. Use their mystic powers to your advantage!


Blog: Ms. Single Mama - She's since re-married and bounced back from her divorce, but she has an archive of awesome and empowering videos for the single moms out there going through divorce. From dating advice, to even just emotional stuff and getting on with your life - plus, she's on the other side! You can read about her journey from start to finish and know that it can get better for you too! You can also find love again!

Writing: Enough - One of the first (and best) pieces of writing about divorce that captured how I truly felt. Finding Ex-L with another woman took a huge blow to my self-esteem. I felt like a loser. I felt I wasn't good enough. And this women went through something very similar. But it's not about the person your spouse cheated on you with. It's not that they are better or prettier or smarter. “Whatever issues that other person has, they have no bearing on your own validity. You eventually just realize it’s not all about you.” You shouldn't have to question or self-worth, because 99% of the time it isn't even about you or what you're lacking. What caused them to cheat, is not your fault. And what caused them to pick that person isn't because that person is perfect in ways you are not. It has to do with their own internal struggle - their own issues. 

Instagram - Carrie Grace Shop - Carrie Grace is an encourager. I have been a follower of her IG feed for a while but recently began just absolutely devouring it. Carrie likes to motivate people and tell everyone how great they are - even when (especially when) they're going through a difficult time. She was my saving grace that first week after I found Ex-L with someone else. She reminds you to keep going, to spread happiness and joy whereever you go, that you have value and worth. She also sends out weekly emails on Wednesday to share a snippet of her life and provide some mid-week encouragement. She's awesome and happy. Awesome and happy people are what you need in your life - even virtually. 

You Know What Will Kill You?

You know what will kill you? Your mind will. I will be trucking along - having a pretty good day and then bam! A thought will creep into the back of my mind and drag me down with it. Sometimes it's something I see that will trigger it, sometimes I let my mind go astray and it does it itself. The big one that really hurts my heart is the image I have of finding Ex-L with someone else. I hear them, I see them. I remember what was said between us. I remember her face drain, that she never even apologized. She just yelled that we were getting a divorce - that she wasn't getting what she needed from me in our relationship. 

I plummet. The confusion sets in again. The disbelief creeps into the back of my mind. The denial edges forward. I suddenly can't believe this has happened - even if earlier today I was gleefully researching bedroom sets for my new apartment. Divorce is a roller-coaster of crap, my friends. One minute you're in the bottom of bottoms and the next you're "ok" and that ok-feeling tricks you into thinking you're doing great dealing with all of your emotions. But really you're just going through all of the phases of the process emotionally. It just is. 

I'm a big repetitive person. I have to tell myself something over and over. Sometimes I'll read a quote or a line in a self-help book and find myself re-reading that same line 3 or 4 times. I want it to sink in and stay with me. I want a lightbulb to flicker on. I want to accept everything. 

I know there are hard days ahead. Days when Ex-L officially starts dating or starts a serious relationship. I know there are days where my children will be introduced to a new woman - or maybe even get a stepmom. I know those are days that my heart will ache. I'll probably cry and be brought right back into the deep sadness I feel now. And it's like the one place that I should be (the present) is not the place that allow myself to be. 

I'm sad and hurt over the past - over what Ex-L did, what she said and didn't say, how she never fought for me and took the cowardly way out and cheated on me. That she told me how happy and in love she was but was really falling out of love with me. That she allowed herself to fall for someone else - even if it was temporary. I have a blazing anger inside of me when I think about that. And, I'm sad and hurt when I think about the future. That my children will not know what it's like to live in a household where their mommies are married and in love. That all of the dreams we had as a couple, as a family, are gone. How we talked about what a great future we had ahead of us and now that future together is gone. I'm sad and angry over what's to come and the uncertainty that all holds. That I can't control who will be in my children's lives. I hope they experience love and happiness. I really really hope that we can pull that off for them. 

And my heart aches for myself. For being so desperate for love that I was willing to lose myself in someone else. That I allowed them to hurt me 4x's - rejecting me every time. Saying terrible things like, "We do not belong together" or "I am not in love with you anymore." I've heard that FOUR times. I've been broken up with by the same person FOUR times. What kind of person allows that to happen to themselves? Someone with low self-esteem, I tell you. Someone that doesn't think anyone else in the whole wide world will give them love. Someone desperate to find their value and worth in the eyes of another person - someone that hands over that power to someone that will not be able to value them in the long run. And that's all sh*t I desperately need to work on. 

I don't want to be sad forever. I don't want to be obsessed over Ex-L or what she's doing. I don't want to be stuck loving someone that's not good for me. I want freedom. I want happiness. I want my heart to move on. I want to be ok. 

It'll Just Be Something You Did ...

Since people have found out that I'm going through a divorce, I've received a ton of advice and snippets of "hope". Little nuggets aimed at helping me feel better. And it's interesting because at this point - not much really helps but I know in the long run that ALL of these people are right. I'm just not in the place to actually feel their revelations yet.

I've heard a lot about time healing wounds, and that this journey I'm on - the farther away I get from it - the less it'll hurt my heart. "It'll just be something you did once ..." It's funny because I know they're right. I've gone through a really bad break-up before (bad for me and not a divorce) and at that time I thought I couldn't live without the other person ... let's just say when I fall, I fall hard. But after I picked up the pieces, and focused on myself ... after time I was able to get over that person and that relationship and move on. It took a while but today, when I think of that person, I think of a friendship and there are no loving/romantic feelings at all. That was something I couldn't fathom to be possible at the time. There was no way I'd ever not love that person! But I was wrong, and I was able to move on. So I know that although it will take time and a lot of pain on my heart - that this will be something similar ... eventually.

Another phrase I hear a lot is "You deserve better." And that's a phrase that I feel guilty for acknowledging. This was someone that I loved, that I married, that I poured my heart and soul into. I never felt like she wasn't good enough for me. But when I think "you deserve better," I feel that's telling myself that she's not worthy of my love. And, after everything she might not be. And the smart part of me knows that I do deserve someone that will treat me better and love me the way that I deserve to be loved. That will fight for me and communicate with me. But, is that a "deserving" feeling? I'm not sure.

"You need to let go." Let go of the person, the marriage, the past. My heart is hanging on super tight. So tight that many times I feel like I can't breathe because all of my energy is thrust into emotionally hanging on. I want to let go. I want to shut my feelings off and just move on. But it's just not that easy. I don't even know how to "let go." How do you do that?

And one of my faves - "You need to focus on you, now." Focus. That's the word that I have trouble with. Because with everything swirling around in my life - my marriage ending, preparing to move, my kids, etc. it's hard to focus on myself at the given moment. There are so many other things that demand my attention. Or, maybe that I willingly hand over my attention to. For a long time I was in a partnership where we were navigating the waters together. We had a plan and we were on that plan together. Now, I have to shift gears massively and figure out what I want to do with my life. That's a big task. Where do you even begin?

Kind of Obsessive

I have a lot of obsessive thoughts that have risen from this impending divorce. I'm not sure about you, but I get a thought in my mind and it swirls and swirls until it's the only thing I can think of. It sucks and it's embarrassing - even if I'm the only one knows that it's going on. The tail-end of my marriage was a base of lots of lies and deceit. I was told I was crazy, when I clearly semi-had things figured out and was only acknowledged when I walked into proof of what I was "crazy" about.

From there, there have been a ton of irrational thoughts that invade my brain. Things that keep me up at night, churn my stomach, produce massive, ugly tears. Things I cannot control, even if they are true. Mainly it has to do with Ex-L and another woman. I'm panicked they haven't stopped speaking, even though she has told me they did. I'm panicked that this woman is over at my house during the day, even though I was told that would never happen again. I'm panicked that my marriage is moving ultra fast, so that Ex-L can be with her - even though I've been told that isn't true. I've been told that everything I'm worried about now I'm making up in my mind and I'm doing this "to myself."

But how do you not worry when you've been lied to for so long, by someone you love? Regardless if I should care or not - I do. This is someone that I love ... loving someone else. And, I'm panicked that she's moved on so fast already and is hiding it from me. I'm torturing myself. And a lot of the times, once these thoughts begin, I can't stop them. They swirl and swirl until I can no longer take it and I either need to lash out at Ex-L and confront her with my "irrational accusations" or I find myself sitting in a steaming hot shower for 30-45 minutes at a time until I can clear my head. I feel crazy. I feel broken. I feel pathetic.

I feel destined for heartbreak. Because I know one day she will for-real move on and I'm terrified what I'll feel about that, and what that will do to me. When I'm being told that she's ready to introduce someone officially to our daughters. When she gets re-married. And, I just feel stuck. Why can't I move on too?

Inspiration

Here are some inspiring quotes to get you through your day ... I know they have helped me. And some of them I repeat to myself on the regular.

Wait - What Am I Agreeing To?

Mediation. So, we scheduled that and everything in my freaking life is moving at warp speed. We were told that it could take two sessions. Each session is billed at $200 an hour and is 2 hours long. Plus, there's a $400 paper drafting fee. If you're playing along - that's a lot of damn money. Divorce is expensive.

So we made a pact to get as much agreed upon prior to our appointment and aim to have it completed in 1. Our mediator scoffed - but we pulled through and only used 1.5 hours of one session. <<high five>> Still, damn depressing. Luckily, we don't own anything together so it's mostly custody and credit card debt.

The appointment itself went smoothly. But we each had a 5 minute pow-wow solo with the mediator at the end, and she asked how we felt about the whole thing. Basically, "now that the other person is out of the room - are you sure you agree to everything?" Of course I cried. Because I don't want this to begin with and I can't believe I'm sitting across from a woman I do not know dividing up my entire life - from exposing all of my debts to talking about who gets the girls on Thanksgiving. But, Ex-L cried too - and on our way out she wouldn't even look at me. So, I know it's hard for her too.

Afterwards, I met with my attorney for an hour and literally felt my eyes begin to glaze over. Maybe it was an out of body experience. Kinda like, "yes, please keep rattling off all of these stipulations and things to know as my life crumbles in front of me." At the end, I literally wanted to shove a blank check into her hands (once she started on about fees) and be like - "take it all - just stop talking!" 

Surprisingly, though I've been kinda numb the entire day. But then I got a surge where I called Ex-L and bawled my eyes out talking about how it was all going so fast and I was still confused and how painful it all is. She teared up too and said it was also hard for her, but she knows this is the right thing. That even though we love each other, love shouldn't be this hard - that we have been fighting for it for years. I actually think she's been running from it for years - because the last I remember, I didn't have a fair chance to actually fight this last time.

And then I get angry. Once I sit back and I think about the things said to me, the excuses given, etc. I start to get this deep anger well inside of me and cannot fathom that if this is a marriage and I'm someone that she vowed to love forever, to care for deeply, that she built a family with - why is it so easy to leave? Why after 1 bad year are we actually filing for divorce? Why was there no work put into it? It makes me think that every excuse put out there is just that - an excuse. And maybe there is no reason behind anything. Maybe she will forever run from the hard times in relationships. Maybe she will be my unicorn.

All I do know is that I'm closer to filing for divorce and making this a permanent arrangement. And even though part of me is waiting for that sweet relief that all of this in-limbo crap is all over - a huge part of me sinks further into a deep sadness, mourning everything we have lost. Mourning those 8 years of our relationship. And feeling like an utter disappointment for two girls that never asked for this.