I had counseling earlier this week. Amidst my tears, I realized that the reason Ex-L and I butt heads so much is because for me it's easier to be angry and engage with her that way - its just easier to be mad at her. To have her shut down and not want to speak to me. Otherwise, creeping thoughts of "what if..." and "just maybe..." edge into my brain. And, after everything - that's not what is best for me. It shouldn't be an option. And, it's more painful to sit in the sadness then to ride out the rage.

I mentioned this to her this morning. We both had tears streaming down her face. She texted me later to say that I was right - she felt the same way. That she was so angry with me for so long that she hasn't allowed herself to be sad ... but the closer we get to "moving day" the more it's coming out for her. Her sadness.

And when she says stuff like that, it's like the person I married returns to me briefly. That I can see her, and I feel that love I have/had. For a moment, it's like the nightmare never happened. But a reality check - like an email from your new rental company reminding you of payments and renter's insurance proofs, or your attorney asking for a clarification of address as she completes your prove up, or even just the change you've already made externally on your Facebook page, allows it all to come slamming right into your back. She checked out. She cheated. She asked for a divorce. She didn't even try. The person I love is gone.

I think it's ok to still love her. I'm trying to figure out how to not stay wrapped in that love. To learn to lean on myself. To not let her decisions and what she does in her life debilitate mine. If you have any tips - I'd love to hear them.

The Weeds

Sometimes I'm still caught up in some of the lies that are spewed at me. Once I catch a whiff, I'm on the hunt to decipher and figure out the lie in it's completeness. Mostly, I come up with what I think the lie is - because I'll never know 100%. But I'm stuck in trying to figure it out and then am shatter and hurt all over again once I feel that I cracked the case.

Something I'm trying hard to remember is that Ex-L owes me nothing. And she hasn't been telling the truth to me for months, so why start now? She's choosing to continue with constant lies and live her life like that. I need to remember to not get tangled up in them with her and to shift my focus to other, more productive (read: less crazy) things. It doesn't matter where she's at, who she's with, etc. It only matters who is watching the girls. Period. And by continuing to try to figure out what the hell she's up to (even if it's super sneaky) I'm just wasting time and energy that I could be putting into something else to make myself better.

So - something to think about when you find yourself stuck in the weeds ... and this goes for any area of your life. If it's not productive for you and will only hurt you or waste your time or energy - then shift your focus somewhere else. Find something that gives you life and passion. Find something/someone that's actually worthy of that time and energy. We can do this, people!

Inspiration

Here are some inspiring quotes to get you through your day ... I know they have helped me. And some of them I repeat to myself on the regular.