Actually, I don't care, so don't answer that question. But in case you were wondering - the answer is 'yes.'  I've played the victim and have allowed myself to continue to wallow in my own self-pity and ride the victim train until I can no longer see straight. The sick thing is that I'm aware of that. And, I'm allowing myself to self-pity at least until I can move and be on my own (and even then I may continue to whine a bit longer - because, life). So, hang in there folks.

Sometimes I am talking to someone and I hear myself. Have you ever done that? Really listened to yourself talk? It's not very often that we do. But lately, I'm super aware of the messages that come out of my mouth and what I've been communicating to (quite a few) people. Word vomit, my friends. It's alive and well. Honestly, there are times where I internally eye-roll myself. "Get over it already - grow a pair!" "Quit whining!" But the thing is - I can't. This is my story and my feelings and it's sometimes great to get it all out there. Every crazy theory I have or every time I super sad - unfortunately, some people have just been my life line. And it's good to know when I'm going through a sh*t time, that I'm not alone out there - someone actually does care for me! Or at least finds entertainment in my situation. Either one I'm ok with.

If you were to tell your story today - what would it say? Would people want to listen? Is it worth changing up that story if we're not having a particularly good day, week, month ... year? Should we cater to what people think they want to hear?

Kind of Obsessive

I have a lot of obsessive thoughts that have risen from this impending divorce. I'm not sure about you, but I get a thought in my mind and it swirls and swirls until it's the only thing I can think of. It sucks and it's embarrassing - even if I'm the only one knows that it's going on. The tail-end of my marriage was a base of lots of lies and deceit. I was told I was crazy, when I clearly semi-had things figured out and was only acknowledged when I walked into proof of what I was "crazy" about.

From there, there have been a ton of irrational thoughts that invade my brain. Things that keep me up at night, churn my stomach, produce massive, ugly tears. Things I cannot control, even if they are true. Mainly it has to do with Ex-L and another woman. I'm panicked they haven't stopped speaking, even though she has told me they did. I'm panicked that this woman is over at my house during the day, even though I was told that would never happen again. I'm panicked that my marriage is moving ultra fast, so that Ex-L can be with her - even though I've been told that isn't true. I've been told that everything I'm worried about now I'm making up in my mind and I'm doing this "to myself."

But how do you not worry when you've been lied to for so long, by someone you love? Regardless if I should care or not - I do. This is someone that I love ... loving someone else. And, I'm panicked that she's moved on so fast already and is hiding it from me. I'm torturing myself. And a lot of the times, once these thoughts begin, I can't stop them. They swirl and swirl until I can no longer take it and I either need to lash out at Ex-L and confront her with my "irrational accusations" or I find myself sitting in a steaming hot shower for 30-45 minutes at a time until I can clear my head. I feel crazy. I feel broken. I feel pathetic.

I feel destined for heartbreak. Because I know one day she will for-real move on and I'm terrified what I'll feel about that, and what that will do to me. When I'm being told that she's ready to introduce someone officially to our daughters. When she gets re-married. And, I just feel stuck. Why can't I move on too?