"You know I love you" ... that term holds such strong meaning for me. It's the statement I found on Ex-L's phone in a text message exchange between her and the woman she cheated on me with. It's the term that resounds in my head over and over whenever I think about what she did. It's a term that snaps me back into remembering how I deserve better.

Sometimes I laugh. I laugh because she was supposed to love me. She vowed to love me. She told me many times over how much she loved me - how happy I made her, how I was the love of her life. At our wedding, she told me (in her vows) how she has never loved anyone as much as she has loved me. And then I found myself staring at a screen where she was telling some crinkly-haired woman whom I've never heard of that she loved her ... that she "knew" she loved her ... meaning it wasn't the first time those words were uttered. I feel sorry for that girl. I was that girl.

"You know I love you" gives the power back. It tells me she's a joke. She doesn't know what love is. She's incapable of love. She spits those words out so freely ... and instead of fostering the love of her wife and family, she gives that love freely away to anyone that gives her attention or feeds her ego. That isn't love. That's selfishness.

Today, she was prepping before work and the girls were a little in her way in the kitchen. She tried to give a light and airy voice to them - to encourage them back to me and away from the kitchen. At one point though, her frustration surfaced as she carried a girl back out. All I could think of was how lucky I am to not have to live with that constant frustration and tension in my life. I don't have to worry about what will upset her or what will set her off. I am not on a constant mission to please her - to feel bad about myself when I "fail". That can be someone else's issue.

The Weeds

Sometimes I'm still caught up in some of the lies that are spewed at me. Once I catch a whiff, I'm on the hunt to decipher and figure out the lie in it's completeness. Mostly, I come up with what I think the lie is - because I'll never know 100%. But I'm stuck in trying to figure it out and then am shatter and hurt all over again once I feel that I cracked the case.

Something I'm trying hard to remember is that Ex-L owes me nothing. And she hasn't been telling the truth to me for months, so why start now? She's choosing to continue with constant lies and live her life like that. I need to remember to not get tangled up in them with her and to shift my focus to other, more productive (read: less crazy) things. It doesn't matter where she's at, who she's with, etc. It only matters who is watching the girls. Period. And by continuing to try to figure out what the hell she's up to (even if it's super sneaky) I'm just wasting time and energy that I could be putting into something else to make myself better.

So - something to think about when you find yourself stuck in the weeds ... and this goes for any area of your life. If it's not productive for you and will only hurt you or waste your time or energy - then shift your focus somewhere else. Find something that gives you life and passion. Find something/someone that's actually worthy of that time and energy. We can do this, people!

Not My Fault

Break-ups suck. Divorce sucks more. It's often compared to a death ... in that both parties, regardless of who asks for the divorce, grieve the relationship much like you'd grieve a death. And most of that is due to the dying of lost dreams, building a future together, etc. I'd agree. This sh*t sucks. Not only am I losing my love, but I'm losing everything we had planned together, the dreams of raising our girls in an awesome family home environment, and even my super awesome extended family.

If life was so great - why is it ending? I ask myself this daily. I can sit here and say, "It's not my fault!!" all day long, but I know part of it is. During my pregnancy and the postpartum period, I changed. I didn't have a tough pregnancy but was put on bedrest for 7 weeks. Then after I delivered I think I had a bout of undiagnosed postpartum depression that pretty much left me unmotivated to do anything. I cried a lot, I felt hopeless, I was lonely. And as much as it impacted me - it apparently impacted my partner too. That was something I was unaware of. I thought I was battling this thing on my own. I didn't realize that it was shutting her out, it was changing our dynamic. 

Now, she takes responsibility for not bringing things up sooner. For failing to tell me how she felt because she thought it would all blow over. But then it got to a point where resentment built up and then eventually anger. And, before I knew it we were barely speaking to each other. I didn't even notice things were bad until last month. (Hello, Clueless!) By that time, it was too late. She said she wanted to work on things and save our marriage, and even considered couples counseling. But it was too late for her. Her feelings had changed and she admitted she fell out of love with me.

Now, enter her new-found co-worker friend. Constant text messaging and calls all hours of the day. My soon-to-be ex was so emerged into this new "friendship" that I basically lost my shit constantly because I was insecure of the relationship and didn't understand how she can lean on this person I barely knew yet want nothing to do with me. I was told I was crazy. That this person was just a friend.

And, then one day I came home from work early and found a strange car in my driveway. As I entered the door, I found my wife and her "friend" fooling around on the couch. Then, two days later I went through her phone and found a text message saying, "You know I love you" followed by similar sentiments from the co-worker. So they loved each other?!

As you can imagine, I'm hurt and heartbroken and confused and angry. What the f*ck has just happened? How did my wife fall for someone else? Why does she want out of our relationship? Why couldn't she support and stay by me when I was at my worst? A ton of crazy questions float in and out of my mind all day long. And let's not even get to the topic of every time I come home now, I "see" that car in my driveway. And every time I look at our couch, I "see" them on it. And it breaks me. 

I've spent many a times huddled on the floor of my shower with scalding hot water spraying on me as big heavy, ugly tears stream down my face. I've contemplated not living (but I have kids and would never do that - just trying to be real here). I've had a rage surge through me that I didn't know existed. I've felt hopeless. And, I've incidentally have had moments of relief and calm overtake me. I'm all over the place. That's how I know why they compare divorce to a death. You think you can bargain to save the relationship, and will find yourself on your knees once day begging to be loved in return. You find yourself spewing such hateful words that you're ashamed of yourself the next day. You find yourself swirling the bottom of the drain with such feelings of hopelessness that you don't know which way is up. 

And everyone tells you that time heals. That life will get better. That you need to hang in there and keep trucking along because you have kids and a full life ahead of you ... and this isn't the end of all that. It just changes things. So, you desperately try to hang onto that hope in those moments of despair and hope the terrible feelings fade soon.