Anger is Easier

Friday, September 11, 2015

I had counseling earlier this week. Amidst my tears, I realized that the reason Ex-L and I butt heads so much is because for me it's easier to be angry and engage with her that way - its just easier to be mad at her. To have her shut down and not want to speak to me. Otherwise, creeping thoughts of "what if..." and "just maybe..." edge into my brain. And, after everything - that's not what is best for me. It shouldn't be an option. And, it's more painful to sit in the sadness then to ride out the rage.

I mentioned this to her this morning. We both had tears streaming down her face. She texted me later to say that I was right - she felt the same way. That she was so angry with me for so long that she hasn't allowed herself to be sad ... but the closer we get to "moving day" the more it's coming out for her. Her sadness.

And when she says stuff like that, it's like the person I married returns to me briefly. That I can see her, and I feel that love I have/had. For a moment, it's like the nightmare never happened. But a reality check - like an email from your new rental company reminding you of payments and renter's insurance proofs, or your attorney asking for a clarification of address as she completes your prove up, or even just the change you've already made externally on your Facebook page, allows it all to come slamming right into your back. She checked out. She cheated. She asked for a divorce. She didn't even try. The person I love is gone.

I think it's ok to still love her. I'm trying to figure out how to not stay wrapped in that love. To learn to lean on myself. To not let her decisions and what she does in her life debilitate mine. If you have any tips - I'd love to hear them.

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