I Survived

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

She went out the other night - with co-workers, and one of those co-workers is the woman I caught her in my home with. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to handle it ... that I'd be caught up in the "what ifs" of the night. That I'd be upset. But I survived. Not to say this is monumental or that I won't have a freak out moment at some time in the future - but I am proud of myself for not allowing her night out overtake my night in. Or my sanity, for that matter. What miracle within me occurred to silence the crazy? I just didn't think about it. Anytime I found my thoughts going to "I wonder what she's doing, I bet they're kissing ... they're probably start talking again," I shut them down as soon as they came in. Because like I said before - it all no longer matters.

I'm trying to get to a point where I accept that we no longer have a relationship or a marriage. I think it's ok to mourn the end of our marriage and to mourn the dreams we had that are no longer able to come to fruition but I think it's bad to stay in that place. Right now, my life is not tied to that marriage. My life consists of me being a single mom of two beautiful little girls - and a wide open future. Now that's something to focus on. And whomever Ex-L decides to sleep with or date really has no physical impact on my life ... and it only hurts as much as I let it. Not to say it won't be painful when it really happens, but the more I focus on the "what ifs" the more I'm absent from my present life.

Although I've floundered at this statement before, "I do deserve better." I deserve to treat myself better, and to build a better life for myself and my girls. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to enjoy the short time I have on this Earth. And that's all stuff that's better.

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