Kind of Obsessive

Thursday, August 6, 2015

I have a lot of obsessive thoughts that have risen from this impending divorce. I'm not sure about you, but I get a thought in my mind and it swirls and swirls until it's the only thing I can think of. It sucks and it's embarrassing - even if I'm the only one knows that it's going on. The tail-end of my marriage was a base of lots of lies and deceit. I was told I was crazy, when I clearly semi-had things figured out and was only acknowledged when I walked into proof of what I was "crazy" about.

From there, there have been a ton of irrational thoughts that invade my brain. Things that keep me up at night, churn my stomach, produce massive, ugly tears. Things I cannot control, even if they are true. Mainly it has to do with Ex-L and another woman. I'm panicked they haven't stopped speaking, even though she has told me they did. I'm panicked that this woman is over at my house during the day, even though I was told that would never happen again. I'm panicked that my marriage is moving ultra fast, so that Ex-L can be with her - even though I've been told that isn't true. I've been told that everything I'm worried about now I'm making up in my mind and I'm doing this "to myself."

But how do you not worry when you've been lied to for so long, by someone you love? Regardless if I should care or not - I do. This is someone that I love ... loving someone else. And, I'm panicked that she's moved on so fast already and is hiding it from me. I'm torturing myself. And a lot of the times, once these thoughts begin, I can't stop them. They swirl and swirl until I can no longer take it and I either need to lash out at Ex-L and confront her with my "irrational accusations" or I find myself sitting in a steaming hot shower for 30-45 minutes at a time until I can clear my head. I feel crazy. I feel broken. I feel pathetic.

I feel destined for heartbreak. Because I know one day she will for-real move on and I'm terrified what I'll feel about that, and what that will do to me. When I'm being told that she's ready to introduce someone officially to our daughters. When she gets re-married. And, I just feel stuck. Why can't I move on too?

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