It'll Just Be Something You Did ...

Friday, August 7, 2015

Since people have found out that I'm going through a divorce, I've received a ton of advice and snippets of "hope". Little nuggets aimed at helping me feel better. And it's interesting because at this point - not much really helps but I know in the long run that ALL of these people are right. I'm just not in the place to actually feel their revelations yet.

I've heard a lot about time healing wounds, and that this journey I'm on - the farther away I get from it - the less it'll hurt my heart. "It'll just be something you did once ..." It's funny because I know they're right. I've gone through a really bad break-up before (bad for me and not a divorce) and at that time I thought I couldn't live without the other person ... let's just say when I fall, I fall hard. But after I picked up the pieces, and focused on myself ... after time I was able to get over that person and that relationship and move on. It took a while but today, when I think of that person, I think of a friendship and there are no loving/romantic feelings at all. That was something I couldn't fathom to be possible at the time. There was no way I'd ever not love that person! But I was wrong, and I was able to move on. So I know that although it will take time and a lot of pain on my heart - that this will be something similar ... eventually.

Another phrase I hear a lot is "You deserve better." And that's a phrase that I feel guilty for acknowledging. This was someone that I loved, that I married, that I poured my heart and soul into. I never felt like she wasn't good enough for me. But when I think "you deserve better," I feel that's telling myself that she's not worthy of my love. And, after everything she might not be. And the smart part of me knows that I do deserve someone that will treat me better and love me the way that I deserve to be loved. That will fight for me and communicate with me. But, is that a "deserving" feeling? I'm not sure.

"You need to let go." Let go of the person, the marriage, the past. My heart is hanging on super tight. So tight that many times I feel like I can't breathe because all of my energy is thrust into emotionally hanging on. I want to let go. I want to shut my feelings off and just move on. But it's just not that easy. I don't even know how to "let go." How do you do that?

And one of my faves - "You need to focus on you, now." Focus. That's the word that I have trouble with. Because with everything swirling around in my life - my marriage ending, preparing to move, my kids, etc. it's hard to focus on myself at the given moment. There are so many other things that demand my attention. Or, maybe that I willingly hand over my attention to. For a long time I was in a partnership where we were navigating the waters together. We had a plan and we were on that plan together. Now, I have to shift gears massively and figure out what I want to do with my life. That's a big task. Where do you even begin?

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