Wait - What Am I Agreeing To?

Mediation. So, we scheduled that and everything in my freaking life is moving at warp speed. We were told that it could take two sessions. Each session is billed at $200 an hour and is 2 hours long. Plus, there's a $400 paper drafting fee. If you're playing along - that's a lot of damn money. Divorce is expensive.

So we made a pact to get as much agreed upon prior to our appointment and aim to have it completed in 1. Our mediator scoffed - but we pulled through and only used 1.5 hours of one session. <<high five>> Still, damn depressing. Luckily, we don't own anything together so it's mostly custody and credit card debt.

The appointment itself went smoothly. But we each had a 5 minute pow-wow solo with the mediator at the end, and she asked how we felt about the whole thing. Basically, "now that the other person is out of the room - are you sure you agree to everything?" Of course I cried. Because I don't want this to begin with and I can't believe I'm sitting across from a woman I do not know dividing up my entire life - from exposing all of my debts to talking about who gets the girls on Thanksgiving. But, Ex-L cried too - and on our way out she wouldn't even look at me. So, I know it's hard for her too.

Afterwards, I met with my attorney for an hour and literally felt my eyes begin to glaze over. Maybe it was an out of body experience. Kinda like, "yes, please keep rattling off all of these stipulations and things to know as my life crumbles in front of me." At the end, I literally wanted to shove a blank check into her hands (once she started on about fees) and be like - "take it all - just stop talking!" 

Surprisingly, though I've been kinda numb the entire day. But then I got a surge where I called Ex-L and bawled my eyes out talking about how it was all going so fast and I was still confused and how painful it all is. She teared up too and said it was also hard for her, but she knows this is the right thing. That even though we love each other, love shouldn't be this hard - that we have been fighting for it for years. I actually think she's been running from it for years - because the last I remember, I didn't have a fair chance to actually fight this last time.

And then I get angry. Once I sit back and I think about the things said to me, the excuses given, etc. I start to get this deep anger well inside of me and cannot fathom that if this is a marriage and I'm someone that she vowed to love forever, to care for deeply, that she built a family with - why is it so easy to leave? Why after 1 bad year are we actually filing for divorce? Why was there no work put into it? It makes me think that every excuse put out there is just that - an excuse. And maybe there is no reason behind anything. Maybe she will forever run from the hard times in relationships. Maybe she will be my unicorn.

All I do know is that I'm closer to filing for divorce and making this a permanent arrangement. And even though part of me is waiting for that sweet relief that all of this in-limbo crap is all over - a huge part of me sinks further into a deep sadness, mourning everything we have lost. Mourning those 8 years of our relationship. And feeling like an utter disappointment for two girls that never asked for this.